All the Good Titles Were Taken

How to Put Words to What no Words Can Express?

2009-11-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Part of the reason I started this whole blog-a-day thing again was in an effort to put into words some of the deep changes brewing in my spirit.

I figured looking at my many blessings and those things I am blessed to enjoy was the perfect place to find the inspiration...but then the cars, yep cars, started to have major and minor issues. The kids got sick. I have been trying to keep some annoying illness at bay, life squeezed in and I wasn't able to connect the photo the same way I wanted too...in the end the posts felt a little ... flat.

So now I'm going to try to get it right. Bringing this little treasure into the light and not tucked away.

It's precious few times when I can actually pinpoint the start of God doing a major internal change in me ...it usually only shows when I look back at who I was and think "Wait? how did I get here?"

This time is different, and I say is because I know I still don't know the whole magnitude.

What started on a runway in Toronto is still stirring today. I see the steps, I see them small and imperfect, but I see God guiding them.

I am once again awestruck at His deep love for me, and His perfect design and craftsmanship...not just of the human person, but the human soul and spirit.

My heart longs to pour this all out as an offering to God and a testimony of His great love and yet, every time I try words fail me.

I believe God is preparing my heart for, not a battle, but a rebirth of some of my personal passions and joys. That He is bringing me to a place to see that He has my destiny and His blueprint for how I can be used in accordance with His plan...but that He is so loving, kind, and good that it will come with much personal fulfillment as well.

Can you imagine? Just to think of it overwhelms me. To think that the God who created all that is and will be, has on His holy agenda, that which will bring me a little smile and fuel a great, personal, passion. The amazingness of that simple truth is humbling beyond words.

In this past year I have mourned deeply as what I thought should be, didn't match what was. As I laid dreams and desires at God's feet only to walk away with them unmet. I trusted God and His wisdom but I ached at the many prayers answered "No." I wept bitter tears more times than I care to recount or admit as the road map for my life took turns I'd never have drawn in. I have struggled with feelings of being left behind, forgotten, unimportant, unremarkable, and in between, waiting on the "next". I admonished myself to wait on God, to live in the middle, to trust. I have trusted, but perhaps grudgingly. Knowing God's plan was perfect but pouting because I didn't have to like it.

Yet here I sit tonight, with nothing changed, no neon sign pointing to Next... no detours to point directly back to the path I long to be on, and still the whole thing is different because God is molding me in the circumstances I live everyday, with the circumstances I live everyday.

He is reminding me that every passion I have He designed, not for my frustration but for His purpose and my joy. That my greatest joys are found in living His purpose.

In this I am truly and utterly blessed.

Education

2009-11-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

I hadn't intended to take weekends off from my blog-a-day thing but I find that, each day, my time for sitting alone and thinking , and sharing gets swallowed up.

When we started school this year I scheduled in an hour block of time for me to just be alone...I've not taken one of those hours in the last three months. Something always presses in and takes hold. I guess without a recharge it's hard to sit and pour out more of me?

Today I didn't get that hour either...but I still found time to recharge. My kids had built this pretty amazing fort in the hallway,tall enough for an adult to stand in even, and I heard them all laughing and calling me. When I peeked my head around and saw the massiveness of the fortress I'll admit my first thought was "that's gonna be a pain to clean up" but I stopped myself from speaking the words. I listened to the laughter, saw the sparkles in their eyes...looked back around at the chores undone, and the school books not yet opened and I decided to do the most important thing and crawl in with them.

I layed there with the youngest alternately pinching my nose or demanding back 'scritches' for about a half hour. I took pictures with my cell phone and let them do the same. I forgot about deadlines and expectation for a minute and found time to unwind, right there in the chaos.

I'd say I learned a lot in school today!

Naps

2009-11-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

There are many things about childhood that appeal to me now, as an adult, that I wish I'd have appreciated then.

Scheduled and expected play time. Now it takes so much work, and planning, and sometimes a little guilt when you "should" be doing other things, to play. Playing is a lot more complicated than a bucket and the park. There is gas money, and hours of operation. There is driving, and sitters. There is matching schedules...so much work to play. But as a lid...we just played. Everyday. It was expected and encouraged.

Someone to pick out my clothes! Ugh...I wish I had someone to do that now.

Most of all though...naptime! What a beautiful and wonderful thing that I balked at while my pre-school teacher Miss Cathy tried every bribe and disipline she had to get me to lay quiet on my cot. Thinking I was being tortured for what I now know as one of the sweetest splurge.

There are several ingredients that add to a naps magic.

Location is key. A Sunday afternoon nap in my own bed will be delicious and cozy...but they don't hold a candle to a nice long nap on the couch. There is something so special about the stolen time there, right out in the open.

A good blankie. While I have been known to doze without, the sleep is never quite right without my favorite heavy quilt covering me. Even on a warm day the weight is like being snuggled by God, it's that amazing.

Background noise. I know, how can noise be good? It's not the noise so much as the drifting off with the tv on or the kids chatting with each other. It's like hitting pause on the real world and just taking a tiny vacation.

Finally, duration. This is a much contested detail amongst my fellow day sleepers...but I still belive a daytime nap can be too long. Don't misunderstand, I don't subscribe to the 20 minute power nap by any stretch. There is a ballance between having "wasted" the whole day with a nap and the nice hour long break. The trick is to get enough sleep that you have that "What an awesome nap" buzz when you wake up and ander ever so slowly back to your daily grind. Generally with a smile that makes you feel like you've gotten away with something.

I am so sorry I ever missed this blessing in pre-school.

Fall

2009-11-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

Every year when the weather starts to turn colder and we start to get intermittent rain showers my mind wanders back to a time when too young kids were falling in love and begining the adventure that would change their lives forever.

In the midst of homeschooling the kids, changing diapers, and watching my husband do the job of ten men...I remember what it was to jump in his car on Saturdays and head off to any number of random places...cinnamon flavored 7-11 coffee in hand.

When I look out the kitchen window and can scarcely see the house in front of me, I think of what it was like to wake up to love letters, damp with dew, left on my car's windshield...or flowers strewn in my car after school.

As we busily plan for the holiday season my mind wanders over our first Christmas spent with friends, laughing over silly gifts and rejoicing at the life we hoped to create together.

Each hazy fall day that we hurdle in front of the heater I can still remeber the chill in my bones from rainy walks outdoors.

I am grateful for every fall day I have spent in the last 16 years, sharing the joy with my very best friend and husband, who has been my constant source of God's love and strength here on this earth.

Hot Showers

2009-11-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

As a kid, I remember, every time I felt sick or emotional my mom would tell me to "take a hot shower". Somehow the shower was supposed to be a magic curative for any and all things.

Still, I took all those showers, and often I did feel better after the near scalding water soothed my tired muscles and teen girl emotions.

I wonder if that is why I still relish my beloved evening showers? So hot I am usualy several shades of red and thirsting for a glass of water when they are over.

With the three of my kids homeschooling I don't really have a lot of "me time" or even a small amount of quiet most days. In the shower I do though. More often than not I still get interrupted by some Lego or remote control ownership crisis, but still, a majority of those steam filled minutes are my very own. I unwind from the day and let my mind drift. I can talk to God or plan a grocery, writing it on the steamed up shower door. I can have the fights I'll never have in reality. I can day dream about what Eden might be doing now. I can cry loud and bitter tears.

In the shower I escape to a place that is wholly my own. It is the best therapy I have ever had...and the best medicine. Who knew my mom was right all those years?

Good Friends

2009-11-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

When it comes to things to be grateful for I have no shortage...God, family, friends, food, shelter, hope, peace... That's a whole week right there.

Today I was reminded in so many ways of the good and amazing friends I have, and how they come along in their own unique ways and add so much to my life. The lives of my family. How they add strength, support, encouragement, laughter, and joy to my life.

I mentioned the car yesterday. I have a newish van, just a hair over 3 years old. I love it so much it surprises me. It's the only real luxury we have...and it's not even top of the line.

Yesterday with the whole family in tow I turned the key in a Smart and Final parkinglot and got...nothing. Well, not nothing...clicks. Dead battery. We were so not prepared for that expense or the detour of the day. My dad came and gave my car a jump and off we went to Sears to replace the battery...what should have taken 20 minutes somehow took over an hour and we were out a nice chunk of change but on our way to fax some letters at a friends.

After being inside for 15 minutes I turned the key again to head home and this time there really was nothing. No click...just dead.

Another jump and we made it home with the burden of a very big bill facing us the next day since the warranty on our van had just barely expired.

There was so much to be grateful for in that whole expirience though...a wonderful husband with whom I laughed and chatted in some rare stolen moments, friends willing to and able to help get us home safe, peace in knowing it would be a finacial hit but wouldn't break us...

So on to today and why I chose to highlight good friends.

I never had to wonder today if I'd be able to juggle the kids and the car. I knew I had somene willing to jump in and save me, even if that someone wasn't thrilled about babysitting I knew their love for me and my family would be enough. I didn't have to struggle for words to say or the strength to say them when I arived at the dealership to make a case for warranty coverage... I had friends at home offering up prayers for me and the voice of another in my ears who had walked me through the right words.

I had encouraging texts and messages reminding me that God himself was in control.

Who isn't blessed by a network like that?

Later in the day when all was well, when the many hundreds of dollars of repairs I anticipated were nothing more than a tiny and free piece of metal, I even had people to rejoice with, pehaps the best gift of all.

2009-11-01T23:42:00.001-08:00

Remember when I said that I get sick everytime I do a "month of blogging"? Well, after last months epic Blogtober fail, I was really excited to spend the month of November focusing on gratitude and my many blessings. I debated posting last night for my 1st day's entry...yet decided that would be a tease.

Cut to today. Still no illness but the great curse strikes again as several hundred dollars of car repair and several hours of lost time eats most of my excitement for today's post...but I adjusted my attitude and readied myself to share...only to have my computer decide to, for no known reason, refuse to login to blogger!

So with space limited by a text post I will just be grateful for the man who made me laugh through all the stresses of the day.

New Item In the Shop

2009-10-13T20:46:00.001-07:00

In order to celebrate my daughter's birthday, I finally made myself the bracelet I have been planning for months. I love it.

Even my husband said he wished it wasn't just a "girlie" think because he loves it so much. The photo's don't do it justice...is that vain? Because really it is so pretty. If it had been a gift I would have cried upon opening it.

I am now offering these same types of "Memory Bracelets" in my Etsy shop...fully customizable.

Blogtober?

2009-10-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

What is it with me getting ill every time I do a month-long-blog-a-thon? This month I only had to think about it and a cold crept up on me.

It's quiet in the house now, everyone is asleep, and I have a list of 1 million things I should be doing right now, but it seems like so much better an idea to steal a few minutes to write. I don't even have a great philosophical point to make. I just miss being in this place. Writing and hearing from God. Sharing my heart and connecting with...um...anyone who might be reading. I think most of my blog readers might be friends I already know, but I like to imagine that there are a few people who stop by to share a cup of coffee now and again that I might not ever know of. So, this blog is for you I guess. Welcome.

This time of year is so special to me as the air turns colder and christmas smells begin to fill the air. Today I wanted to but every autumn decoration in the craft store. I resisted and didn't buy anything. This is a season that my daughters were born in, that my husband and I met and fell in love in, that baking and sweaters abound. A season for cute boots and good memories.

As much as I say I love summer most, I'm pretty sure I have an affection for autumn that is special and set apart.

Soon it will be popcorn and hot cocoa to celebrate rainy days, and my oven will be going almost non-stop to warm up my house and to feed happy children.

This weather reminds me of one of the best parts of homeschooling my children. They dance in the rain and snuggle under blankets while we talk about numbers and racism in early America...and we laugh. Most days I want to pull my hair out from frustration at some point, but I also have the greatest blessings of being a mom on those same days... the stolen kiss from a boy on the cusp of becoming a young man...the spark of awe that my daughter's eyes still have when she watches me...and the fly-by kisses from a ball of energy that calls himself my 'yiddle boy'. :)

Time is going too fast with these little ones. Before I know it it will always be quiet at night...

Runway Musings

2009-09-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've had this idea of a blog rolling around in my brain for a few months now and it still wont come out right., yet somehow with my dear sweet husband asleep on the couch and crickets chirping outside. The noisy quiet of night and a cool late summer/early autumn breeze blowing through I figured I'd try.

If you read my other blog you will have seen that I took a much unexpected and God ordained trip to to a lovely little town just outside of Toronto this summer. I wont recount what it meant to me here...but I will share a little more of the work God began there that I think He is still working on today.

I don't think I even noticed that He was working on a blessing beyond the obvious of forging a flesh and blood friendship with my dear sisters of the heart, until I boarded the plane that would bring me back to The States. I don't think I even saw the threads of it fully then, I just knew that something in my spirit changed in those four short days. That it was bigger than me. Bigger than my beloved friends.

I think, just maybe, it was a healing that was started. And it started in the strangest way...with a bucket of silent tears shed from a goodbye.

I have blogged about changes and hurts in the last few years that have left me feeling pretty battered and raw. I have blogged through my struggles with altered or changed relationships. I have silently carried some wounds for others that I really couldn't blog about. I have mourned outloud and in silent...and I think, stepping on that plane, sitting in my seat waiting to be delivered home into the arms of my very best friend, my husband, God reached out and took hold of my heart and assured me He noticed. Reminded me that He was about the work of healing, and that my time of rejoicing was on the horizon.

It has bafled me at times that the struggles of the last few years have, at times, seemed more to bear than the death of my sweet Eden...but I think that, somehow, it makes sense. This is more of that journey of faith. To see God when I want to just see suffering. To worship at His merciful feet simply because He is God...and through the surrender of my desires and of my pain and hurts...His blessings flow even sweeter.

I haven't loved every step of this journey but I belive in my heart of hearts that I carry blessings I might never have even seen without it.

2009-06-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

I am texting this post from my phone, in part to test this amazing blogg feature, but also to clear my head in a fleeting and rare spare moment alone.

I am without my much beloved spell check so please forgive me now that my spelling secret is out.

Last week we celebrated the birthday of our first baby, now 11 and on the cusp of becoming a young man. throughout the day I would catch glimpses of him, standing nearly as tall as me. Looking out for his brother, 7 years his junior. Goofing around and laughing with his very best friend, his sister. I would watch him and smile, overwhelmed at the blessing of having been entrusted with this amazing person, of filling his life with the opportunity to know and serve God.

No title

2009-06-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Where to even begin...

I have come to realize what a vital part of my life and my relationship with God sitting at this desk and pouring out my heart through this keyboard really is.

Every time I sit to write I hope that I am submitting something good. Something that goes out and adds to the cyber world. I don't expect it to be profound or life changing...not every post...but I do hope it will be something "for good".

Maybe that is why I have been away so long?

This last season in my life has been a little dry. Circumstances and my attitude towards them have put me in a mood to be less than enthusiastic about writing, or I have been just plain tired.

Through it all though, is the constant that gives my very breath meaning.

My God.

While life has presented many obstacles lately, God remains who He is.

My son asked me about the act of worship the other day, in a way only an innocent and inquisitive child, nearing his teen years, can why we worship God. Pointing out that "Yeah, Jesus died and everything but why do we worship?"

I was reminded again of the awesome blessing of being a parent, being compelled to understand things enough to explain them is just one.

For this question I had the ready answer, the answer that can make this whole journey of faith so uncomfortable for some, but provides freedom beyond measure.

"We worship Him because He is God. He is the creator of every atom and every mountain. We worship Him because he created us and gives us life. We worship Him because He is beyond our imagination. If He never blessed us, if He didn't have relationships with us, if He just sat in heaven...He would be worthy of our worship. But He does bless us, and He does have relationship with us, and He doesn't just sit in heaven...He is intimately involved with us. So that is why we worship."

Over the last few years, as my life circumstances cause me trouble, or heartache, or breed questions I have come to understand that all of that is irrelevant if I trust in who God is. If I am willing to see how much bigger than me and what I comprehend...and if I know in the fiber of my soul and am willing to submit to his ultimate goodness and wisdom...then I can keep moving in this life. In the midst of hurt, suffering, confusion...God is still God and ultimately beyond me and wants more for me than I can ever imagine.

Where did I go?

2009-04-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Has it really been over a month since I posted? That's crazy. I have been posting deals over at my other blog and just kind of left this one to sit.

I guess that's the way life flows sometimes. It's not that I haven't had blog worthy things, I've just been really tired. I wish i could say it was because I was so active or pregnant or something...but the truth is that sometimes things are really hard and I just grow weary.

Most of the weariness culminated in me sitting on the edge of the tub in my bathroom this weekend crying for 20 minutes and not really even knowing why.

That's not entirely true, the tears had sprung up from a phone call with my parents. My kids were having their very first, all three kids, sleepover Saturday with my mom and dad. My dad is not exactly a "kid guy" but my mom really wanted this... and somewhere in him my dad was looking forward to it too. Well, and I will spare you all the gorey details, my dad took the kids on a trail walk and...well... lost the two oldest. They ran ahead, he lost sight, they got turned around. They were separated and lost. My youngest, just 3, was crying for his brother and sister. Thankfully the older kids asked a grown-up they saw outside for help and everything worked out safely.

My dad did the "I was so scared" and lost his temper in a big way, and that has caused more harm to his relationship with the kids than the getting lost part. I think they are all three feeling around to find a way back to what was, even if what was wasn't cuddly it was comfortable for everyone.

So even though I only found out after the fact and the whole event was maybe a half hour, it just opened up all the stuff that has been swirling around and thus the bathroom crying fit.

I am so grateful that God has given me the husband I have because he guided me through my little breakdown and back into the arms of Jesus...with reminders of who God is, and His deep deep love for me, personally.

So with my spiritual glasses firmly in place I have navigated the waters of change and growth much better the last few days.

Just this morning I was able to see how beautifully God moves in trying situations. My mother is ill and has been for a while...she doesn't share all the details or the prognosis with me often but her time with us, if God doesn't intervene, will be cut short and she likely won't see my youngest in his teens. This breaks my heart more than even I realize as I can't take that reality off the shelf and look at it to long.

She has taken to borrowing my kids to help her with her bi-weekly shopping trips. It's an inconvenience and disrupts our school schedule since it's rarely the same day or time, but my kids are making memories with her and she is getting time she needs with them. None of this would be possible if God had not so clearly led me to homeschool the kids.

I doubt this is the only reason, but I cherish it none the less. Knowing God cares so much for each of them that even in this, he's given us a rainbow of hope and peace.

Just a quick announcement...

2009-03-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Since all of my friends are always supportive of my efforts...and since my shop thrives on word of mouth... I wanted to let everyone know I updated my etsy shop with lots of wonderful new products today (and have more coming in the next week!)

I am so excited about the new goodies...

dreamsofeden.etsy.com

and a special thanks to Stacee Lianna for all the amazing pictures!

No cool picture...

2009-02-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, the pain has passed but I still can not hear out of my right ear. I alternate between wanting to just wait it out, feeling sort of crazy because everything is a struggle to hear and I can't quite triangulate where the phone might be when it rings, and being a little concerned something might be wrong.

I have so many things I want to write about, even a few notes I actually jotted down in the silence.

But tonight I'm just gonna be real and honest and exposed. Well, as exposed as I can be.

I have a lot of really big stuff going on in my heart, in my head, and in my world. And I am struggling to make sense of it all, let God have dominion over it all, and allowing God to move in me. Changing my world view to match His.

Anyone who's ever been to church more than a handful of times has probably heard of, or heard preached, 1 Corinthians 13...The Love Chapter.

¹ If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Even typing it out here makes me want to groan with all the frustration in me. In every way I want to be someone who shows the love that God has shown me. Pure, Redeeming, Unwavering.

I want to give a love that comes without strings. I want desperately to endure, hope, and persevere.

I just don't always know how. How do you keep from being a doormat and chasing after relationships that don't exist on both sides...and still demonstrate this kind of love?

When your head steps in and reminds you to guard your heart?

Even now, as I type these words and come before My Great God, I am reminded that these issues are not new... they go as far back as Philipi.

^{Philippians 4
2} Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. ³ And I ask you, my true partner,to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. They worked along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are written in the Book of Life.

⁴ Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! ⁵ Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And still I don't know how this looks. What does this scripture look like with legs and a heart? Yet my heart is heavy at knowing it doesn't look like me.

I want to reflect these words, but I don't know how.

So I am here, crying out to God and admitting my own weakness and folly at knowing I am not reflecting him, yet wanting to with all that I am.

Please God, show me to love how you would love...

Delay...

2009-02-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Blogruary fun is temporarily on hold until the searing pain from a rather serious (feeling) ear infection abates...

Bullrides, birthdays, and my baby boy

2009-02-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight, sitting around a table of friends, laughing and sharing in birthday celebration, I couldn't help but reflect on the stark contrast of the moments before I left my house.

My son, just on the cusp of middle school, is starting to see some things in people that his tender heart just can't understand. It seems like for most kids the ideas and activities of social manipulation come all too easy, but not my boy.

I remember his struggle to understand how someone could say they weren't friends anymore and not mean it. He believed that at that moment the relationship would be severed.

It seems that he is once again learning the nuances in speech and action of relationship, and while it hurts my heart to see him navigate these waters, and get hurt along the way, I grow increasingly impressed at the young man he is.

I see a boy who would give so much to people around him, who doesn't choose friends based on "coolness" or age or toys...just people he enjoys spending time with, be they older or younger. I see a boy who longs for responsibility and hungers to care for others. A boy who would exhaust himself jumping up and down to bring a giggle to a small baby. Who wonders how he can help a home for children recently homeless, asking if he can give them his beloved stuffed animal.

I remember him anxious to read stories to his younger brother, the one who likes to just lay on him because he's a cozy big brother.

I am ever grateful that God blessed me with the kids he did. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Even on days where I long for just a little more time to myself, and maybe an uninterrupted potty break, I am blessed that it is these three knocking on the door.

Wow...this is hard to do sometimes

2009-02-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had the great privileged of being at a district leadership conference for my church. It was great because it was a conference for women leaders, and there was no watering down what our role in the church could be. Should be.

It took the position of of helpmate and esteemed it.

It looked at the "younger" leaders as invaluable. It gave us all a voice and a calling. A destiny.

Sitting in that place, surrounded by women working to serve Jesus in their churches we were able to meet with a number of missionaries we support. Home missionaries to broken cities and neighborhoods, and missionaries to lands I can't pronounce.

I have never felt called to leave my native country to preach to others. I have always been very fully convinced that God had called my family to stay and live lives that pointed to Christ in our everyday. Wanting desperately to give the gift that I embrace so fully to everyone I know.

And now with a family, a debt, and regular responsibilities that window feels closed... but sitting there I surprised myself by the deep desire I had to go and serve in that way. To pack what we could in a suitcase and head to a land I've never seen and preach.

I can't say God is calling me that way. I can't even say I'd know what to do ar have the stick to it-ness to make that kind of life... but for the first time it seemed like a beautiful, and not overwhelming, option.

I guess today will be a 2fer

2009-02-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day to be crafty. (And yes, I do realize that I am technically not osting on the right day, but being off by a few minutes still counts.)

I'll spare you all the terrific details but lots of exciting things were scored for free today that got my creative juices flowing. As I flipped through my loot with a friend she gave me the push I have so often heard myself give... "Ok, I want you to stop talking about these things and do them, though."

Like a punch in the gut.

I seem to forever be an idea girl and rarely a launch girl. I think that is why I love working with a partner or team. It's all to easy to put my own stuff a step behind.

That can't be me being the woman that God wants me to be, can it? To ignore all these things I am so passionate about.

So I am going to try to take a small step each day towards doing.

It's like a New Month resolution. :)

I should blog during the day

2009-02-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

This morning, out running errands with my kids and realizing that my oldest is now in the largest "boy" size pants. That the next time he rips a hole , or two, in his pants knee, we'll not head to the cheapie kids section but will have to contend with a greater array of style and price

While being grateful that the struggle with my daughter and swimwear is her beautiful standards of modesty that are hard to find in even a child's suit.

This morning as I remarked at how much they had grown and how quickly they change, I was also insanely frustrated by bickering and whining. So frustrated that I drew from my deep well of parenting skills and turned the car radio up loud enough to drown them out.

It was a very sweet relief and I did shortly hear them all quiet down and my daughter started to sing along.

The music filling the car allowed my mind to wander and I began to reflect on the many roads I have been down these last few years. As the music changed to a "getting over you" break up song I giggled as it made me reflect, not on lost loves, but of friendships that have changed or ended. I laughed that good "couple" songs can often fit the special bonds girlfriends develop.

I tried to imagine my husband and one of his friends getting sappy over a song. If you have never met my husband, let me tell you, the image is beyond laughable.

But as I sat there with the music and all my thoughts I was reminded, again, that that intense love and bonding thing we women do, is a very large part of the image of God. The relational part of Him that just wants me to sit with Him and some tea and visit.

He's not always out for my confession or needs, He just wants to know me. to share in my everyday. To sit at my table while I do dishes and reflect on His love and the beauty in the citrus tree outside my window. To feed my hopes and dreams and wild desires. To hold me up on a rough day.

I was honored once again to be able to have the tiniest glimpse on earth of what that perfect relationship will be like in eternity.

I marveled at the amazingness of God to just hang out with me in my car, running errands with cranky kids and my crabby mom self.

Everytime I do a blog a day I get sick

2009-02-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

But it gives me a chance and excuse to post this little gem. If this blog were just 50 words...

Faith in the midst of terror

2009-02-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

In the past two years I have come to know deeply that life holds no guarantees, except that God is who He says He is...and that, if you let Him, He is faithful to show up.

And while it is not the pretty church face to admit it, sometimes knowing that life still can throw great and amazing curve balls scares me to death. Just because I know God will be magnificent doesn't make jumping into the fire a easy.

I also know that my family is not safe from tragedy.

So today when my daughter complained of pain, and I noted swelling, in the area around her underarm lymph node something deep inside me began to panic. I tried to imagine what I would say if her pediatrician had bad news. I wondered how long until we knew anything for certain... my mind just spun.

Instinct had me wanting to reach out to my friends and my support people but the small whisper called out to me instead. In my panic I had to turn to God. I had to commit another daughter to his hand, to his will. My mind went to the story of Job we had just read this morning, and then to the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that my daughter was watching... was God setting me up to be prepared?

I wish I could say I immediately went to my prayer closet and heard from God...instead I choked on a plea for help and waited. I went about the next few hours in ordinary everyday. I lived in a place of hope. I didn't even default like I tend to do, and start rationalizing the what ifs. I simply said "God, this is what ever you want it to be and you have to be glorified"

The short version is, it is nothing. It is not the worst case, it is not even a lymph node. It looks like a muscle has be strained or hit.

When we were in the car my daughter confessed that she had been afraid she might have cancer. I think that broke me the most. There is something that seems so wrong about an 8 year old thinking she might die...

Please continue to pray for us all, as I think there are many years of emotions and steps of faith we all will continue to wade through.

This parenting thing is tough.

Here we go again

2009-02-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

What does it say about me that blogging has become a vital part of my mental health? It seems that with the quiet of January I was allowed just a little too much time inside my own head... and it really wasn't pretty.

I can't say that blogging is like prayer, exactly, but I find the openness in my writing allows God a different way to speak to me. That He is so good to show up as the thoughts are processing and my fingers are typing away.

Rarely do I sit down with a post already mapped out. Generally I just sit with my thoughts and it allows me to sort through the giant pile.

I do my best to be open, to be transparent, here. I am a very real girl with some very human flaws, but still I want to show the real and authentic me. The me that tries to grow a little everyday.

So here I go again... one month straight of reflection as I continue my pilgrimage here on this earth.

And I am very excited.

I have spent the last three days sitting at the feet of my Abba and, once again, schucking off the shell of what once was and getting new clothes and a new me. I am not yet sure what this means, but I have taken a solid and sure step forward and I refuse to step back. Not by an act of will, but an act of surrender.

I hope to look back with a very clear understanding of some of my recent and current trials. But even if I don't walk away with answers, I know I walk away grown and that will be enough.

I am submitting a larger part of who I am and what I desire to Him.

So feel free to walk with me, or watch me walk. It probably wont be the most beautiful journey but I am hoping the new creation reflects more of her father's image in the end.

Tear

2009-01-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

About two minutes ago I tucked my youngest son into bed and kissed his cheek and as I did a big fat tear hit his perfect cheek.

So much emotion in that tear.

I just returned from the hospital visiting my friends' newborn Son, just hours old. I held him and rocked him. Wrapping him in love and smiles. Breaking just a little when his mother asked if I was doing okay.

I was. I really was.

I had prayed for and rejoiced at the news of this little one. I had anxiously carried my cellphone into bed each night waiting for news. Yet holding him, cooing at him and looking into his adorable face was still a reminder of what I had missed the last 15 months.

As I held him I was so grateful for his sweet little life and overjoyed to see what changes he would bring in his parents. I remembered that couple who left the hospital after the birth of my first, was not the couple who had come in.

Mom and dad both bore that exhaustion and pride that come with the magic of holding your little one in your arms for the first time.

I am so grateful that my heart is not calloused with my deep pain, that it still opens so easily to this new little one. I was slightly afraid the emotions would be a bit too much, or too bitter. But holding that precious little one was enough to salve an open wound.

Then I came home to my own little one, hardly little anymore, awakened by hunger since he had slept through dinner. I reveled in the silence and a chance to hold him and smile at him. To nuzzle into his neck and make him giggle.

Then as I tucked him back into his bed I saw a glimpse of the baby he once was and my heart swelled to fill the painful parts in my soul.

Welcome to the world Caden, and thanks for sharing him with me Nate and Hattie :)

Using My Voice

2009-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Sanctity of Human Life Week is coming. A time to stand up and be heard about the inherent value in all human beings. A brief moment set aside to, not just decry abortion, but to speak to the value of the life contained in the womb.

I remember the first time I heard about abortion and being horrified at the mere idea of it. I remember joining a protest on the whim. Just a child, not much older than my oldest son. I also remember that it sent a lighting bolt in my home. My mother not at all pleased that I would take a stand on an issue I couldn't fully understand.

She was right, I didn't understand it all. I didn't understand what would drive a woman to make such a choice, I saw a selfish desire to just "do away" with a mistake.

As I grew into adulthood and saw a more human face on abortion, my view didn't change much. The slogan "Abortion stops a beating heart" always rang in my ears. My heart broke for the desperation some women, some girls, felt when choosing to end the life of their unborn.

I listened as semantics were juggled and words like tissue, fetus, potential for life were used. I tried to understand the idea of a starting point for humanness... but still I saw the pictures I had seen as a young girl of discarded babies and brain couldn't understand how this choice would be good for anyone.

Then on May 17 2007 I was told that the baby I was carrying would die. I was encouraged to abort and everything I knew and believed and felt changed. I struggled through the idea that I may end a pregnancy of a baby not destined to live.

Once again though, I saw the pictures of those discarded babies and couldn't bring myself to make that choice.

In making that choice I discovered that my mother had been right all those years ago. That there was much to this debate I couldn't fully understand.

I also realized how sacred life really was. Eden, my baby girl, did die just 36 hours after her birth, but in those 36 hours I saw her fully realized humanness. That even as one profoundly damaged, her worth was immeasurable. Being her mother changed me in so many ways, changes I welcome and embrace. Eden's life changed many people and pointed to a God beyond description. Eden's short life, lived outside of my womb for such a brief instant, was a life filled with purpose and rejoicing. And I life that still effects people today.