All the Good Titles Were Taken

Blustery Night

2012-02-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

It is a wild and windy night tonight. I can hear the wind whistling through the chimney of my tiny gas fireplace.

All the kiddos, including the biggest one of all, my husband, are snuggled in their beds.

I am thinking about running.

Yes, running.

Just last week I embarked on a little adventure and decided to train to *run* a 5k. I have been known to say that you really shouldn't run unless someone is chasing you, but as I get closer and closer to 40, I want something more active and challenging. I want to set a goal, and do something outside my comfort zone.

So today, day two, I went running. Armed with a borrowed iphone and a handy little app, I set out to run. I had been looking forward to this little break in my day. To a little time, on my own, doing something just for me.

Then my daughter asked if she could join me. I think I just heard a chorus of exhausted mothers just groan.

This? Was not my plan. 30 minutes with the daughter who's emotions have en all over the map lately, while I pushed myself past the point of reasonable breathing did not sound like fun.

Yet, I heard myself agree.

So we strapped on our shoes and I strapped on my less selfish attitude and off we went. It was as hard as I expected. It might have been nice to be panting on my own...but the smile on my baby's face as she was included in "my" time, ushered in with no complaints, showed me something much more important.

Maybe my little girl needs to do this as much as I do? For herself. To prove she can.

More importantly, maybe she just needs to know she belongs. With me. Her mama.

Looking back

2012-02-12T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those pause and take it in kind of days. Where, for just a second, I can kind of stop and see through the business of every day, silence the constant din, and take one brief moment to reflect, remember, and erect a remembrance stone in my heart.

I was working in the church nursery, a job I used to dread but now find pretty enjoyable, and just chatting with other women. The kids were all in great spirits today and playing pretty well so it was very relaxing and sweet.

As women do we covered everything from jeans, to mixers, to obesity, to diapers.

We discussed our mothers, the mothers we are or hope to be. The wounds, the triumphs. Life in general.

Somewhere in here I had a moment to think on Zoe's birth and the moment she was placed on my chest in the post surgical recovery room.

Zoe's pregnancy was filled with reassurances. Every test. Every ultrasound. Every routine appointment. Each and every one was confirmation that she was going to be ok. That she was coming home with us, whole and healthy. That our arms would be filled when we exited the hospital doors. That all of our tears would be tears of gladness (or exhaustion from sleepless weeks).

Yet, I don't think I exhaled for those nine months.

When she was born, Steven looked at me and whispered "She's perfect." So much in those two words. "God heard our prayers. He's blessed us beyond measure. There won't be heartbreak this time. we can rejoice."

The wave of emotion was palpable.

Yet still, hearing her precious cry and looking into her little face for the first time...those were nothing compared to that first moment where I could lay her on my chest and just drink her in.

Holding God's promise, skin to skin, in the quiet curtained space...I will never forget.

Unlike with all the other kids, there was no rush to share her with the world. I was grateful for that enforced time of just us three. I needed to hold her, alone. I needed to silently praise a God who had stood with me in the darkest time in my life, holding me up and giving me strength beyond myself. I needed to embrace her with every piece of my heart, including the parts I couldn't open before I held her.

So today, I watcher her walk, and laugh, and eat cherrios by the cupful... and I drank it all in again. My God, who never stopped loving me, though He asked me to walk a painful path, also set my feet here, in this place of much rejoicing.

Thank you Lord, for every gift you have given me...and those things that brought me anguish, that you allowed to open up such deep places of joyfulness. Thank you...a million times, Thank you.

2012-02-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

My Dear Readers,

When Saturday comes. I wake up and always think there will be time for a great post...but there never is.

I think I may have to rethink a 7 day a week blog, and stick to Monday-Friday.

In any case, I pray you are blessed and that this weekend you will laugh from the deepest place in your heart and that you will feel God's incredible love.

Thank you for your understanding,

static

2012-02-10T23:15:00.000-08:00

I keep staring at this screen, starting a post, backspacing.

Coming up with something interesting to say for 10 days straight I hard! Some days, like today, my brain simply shuts off as soon as the last kid has run out of reasons to prolong going to bed. Those days I sit on the couch and watch some truly mindless tv. The computer is too much effort. The toys stay where ever they landed. And I just sit.

Tonight was one of those nights. The day was wonderful and filled with special moments like a visit with a new friend and her sweet baby, but after adding in a new sport and some frantic running from point a to point b, I was spent.

I had a terse conversation that turned into a beautiful, but emotionally exhausting one, with my daughter *and* my husband.

So I have just been sitting.

Everything I think to write about seems forced, because the only real thing I can think of, is how desperately I want a pedicure.

I tried to write about the beautiful truths I found in Proverbs today...but they just sounded flat.

I could try and pick up on the Joy Dare again...but I kind of got lost there. I often felt like I was just not connecting to the questions...and that's ok.

So tonight I will just leave you with this simple truth...No matter how hard and exhausting life gets, I am grateful everyday that I have been given the chance to live it. Especially the life God has blessed me with.

Four Eyes

2012-02-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

It seems silly to be so excited and feel so... accomplished? for doing something as simple as ordering some inexpensive glasses...but tonight when I hit "Submit" on the order page I was positively giddy.

Today, in the midst of our daily chaos and with far too many things on my plate, I actually took the time to go and get the eye exam i have needed forever.

Then, when I realized I had no coverage to actually purchase glasses I went home and looked up a discount eyeglass site that I have heard good things about...and I actually ordered glasses. For me.

I have a bad habit, that is all too common in moms...or even just in women. I notoriously put off things for me, to do for my family. Which is noble, except when it is detrimental.

It's good to stay up late getting laundry done. It's bad to sacrifice vision because you never make the time.

So today, making the time, spending the money...they reminded me that I matter and that I am important...that is a good thing

Thank You seems too small

2012-02-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

A few months back I was reading this post by Michelle Duggar, yes, the one with all the kids.

I remember I had two thoughts:

First, was "Oh Thank God, she's had those days too!" I think every mom wonders, as they weep over dishes, sweeping, errand running, nursing, diapers, or any of the millions of things we feel so responsible for, if they are the only woman who has ever felt this way. If they are the only one failing. I have. A million times I have looked at my list of things to do and thought "I'm a failure. I can't do this. God, it's too much and too hard."

I just sent a series of those messages to a friend two weeks ago.

Sometimes my job is just.plain.hard.

We don't like to talk about it either, us mothers. When we say it out loud? Well, that's another failure. How can we look at all our blessings and thing it's too hard. This is the life we wanted and now we complain? Shame on us. Failure.

Somehow, knowing a woman with 19 children running around her home, who by all appearances are kindhearted, decent, loving kids. Rambunctious, but obedient kids. Kids who have learned well...somehow, if she has the strength to admit her 1am crying jags and utter exhaustion, then I'm not alone.

The second thing I noted was far less gracious... "I don't have someone who will help me with my laundry." Cue more crying.

I had a deep envy for a piano tutor who would help with laundry. None of my kids want to play piano, but still.

I quickly repented of my envy, but did tell God, "I could sure use help like that."

That was the end of it. I didn't sit and pitch a tent in my wallowing place and I didn't begin to seek after a laundress either.

There was a third thing I should have taken more note of. Michelle cried out in her desperation and God heard. He didn't just hear, but he acted.

The past few months have been trying. All of my kids are at pretty important junctures in their lives and I feel like my oldest daughter is really at a crossroads. Not between good and evil, but between knowing herself and being further beat up by the world. I have watched her struggle against herself, against me, but thankfully, not against God...though i have seen her struggle to grasp onto the truth of who He has created her to be.

And through all of this I have been her mother, her adviser, her corrector...and her teacher. I have felt so over burdened by these many hats...and I cried out that "God, it's too much. I can't keep doing it all. I am so overwhelmed!" and I waited for God to strengthen me.

I have felt his strength holding me up, pushing me forward, but I have still been overwhelmed.

And tonight? He sent me my laundress. Only in the form of someone suited to tutor my daughter in the two areas she struggles most in. The areas where she simply put up a block when it came to learning from me. Someone came alongside who passionately loves my little girl and sees a need and is willing to sacrifice to help meet it.

As I am typing this I can't even hold back the tears.

I have feared that I failed her. that I continued to fail her. I was so lost.

God heard me. He is blessing me by blessing my daughter. I am deeply humbled and couldn't be any more grateful.

Enough

2012-02-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days when I had soooo many good intentions.

I was going to do so many wonderful things while my older three kids were at one of their two days a week at school. It would be just me ant the baby so I'd have all kinds of time, right?

When will I ever learn?

It started well, I got the kids dropped off before the rain showed up, stopped at the grocery store for the few things I needed for dinner. Look at me, dinner already figured out at 9am. I was on a roll!

Get home and it was just a sprinkle so no mad dashes...only to realize that we forgot to close the door on our way out. How does an entire family forget to close the door? Horray for no hard rains and living set back of the main road!

So I started some laundry, but then I needed to change the baby...so I got sidetracked. Then she was hungry...and my mom called. So I fed the baby while talking to my mom. Just as our conversation was wrapping up my awfully determined baby...ok, she's a toddler...can I please just call her the baby? Anyway, she decided it was time to nurse. NOW!

She is the most distractable nurser on the planet so I got off the phone and spent some time snuggled up with her. Then we played some games and it was naptime!

I tried to eat breakfast in there somewhere. And I know I had my toast because I remember sharing bites with the boss. She's just too darn cute (and loud) to deny.

So, naptime...which also equals coffee time. Zoe is still very sensitive to caffeine so I have 3 small windows a day in which I can consume my daily cup. Just one cup, but 3 chances. And I had been mentally preparing this cup since I got in the car, talking myself out of going the long way home, just to hit a drive thru Starbucks.

Coffee brewed, cup in hand I stole a few minutes to watch the first half of my new favorite show. As soon as I finished my cup I whipped up a batch of lemon muffins from a tasty looking recipe and I put some eggs on to boil. Yay! putting a dent in my list!

The muffins were horrible. I'm not even sure the glaze on top saves them. Sad day. The eggs are ok, I think.

I had some lunch before being summoned by the princess.

And here is where everything goes haywire.

Apparently Zoe is part simian because she now climbs. Today it was the couch and I couldn't stop her or leave her side because climbing up was way more fun when it included running across, with no regard for edges or calamity! I tried to start dinner, and somehow did get it made...but there was a lot of whining, holding, snacking, and diapering in the mix.

And then Daddy was home and it was bedtime.

There is a good chunk of hours in there that just sort of happened. In a blur they went by with new discoveries, lots of excitement, and no real accomplishments.

Most days the pile of half finished laundry, gross muffins, and things not crossed off the list really bums me out. It's easy to look at today's failures and set up camp there...but today I can rest in the knowledge that I handled the important things.

And it's going to be enough.

Baby Boy

2012-02-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that scene in the movie Parenthood, at the end when wise old grandma is describing family life as either a merry-go-round or a roller coaster? If you haven't seen the movie, I can't say it's the greatest movie I've ever seen, but I do remember it had it's moments...and I still remember this scene, years later.

I couldn't help but think of it yesterday while my youngest son squealed in delight at his first finally tall enough to ride it, big roller coaster ride.

I was terrified for him. I knew he was safe, but he's my baby. Here he was about to be flung hundreds of feet in the air, flipping upside down, and defying gravity...and he just couldn't wait.

He had no idea what was ahead, but he knew it would rock his little world and usher in a new experience he'd never forget.

What he didn't know was that this was going to change me. This was one tiny step in letting him grow up and letting him spread his wings.

Before I know it he'll be grown, and I know how fast it goes because his big brother, my first baby, is on the cusp of manhood and reaching for new independence every day.

I don't know if I'm ready for this part of the ride, but I'm strapped in and holding on because before I know it we'll take off and I don't want to miss a second of the ride.

2012-02-05T22:10:00.001-08:00

This is a 159 character text message post as I forgot to blog until I was cozy in bed. I return to real posts tomorrow.
This would be much easier with a laptop.

I was going to be an actress

2012-02-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I take a second, look around at my life, past the sticky fingerprints, sink full of dishes, and toys that litter the living room floor like so many tiny landmines and marvel at who I am, and where I've ended up.

I never imagined this life, twenty years ago when I was getting to know my best friend outside of a coffee bar, when I married him, or even headed down the road in our little red car on the way to deliver our first child.

I couldn't see the nights we stayed up way to late just talking, the 19 unit college semesters my husband slaved to get to the career God was calling him too, the first smiles of each of our children, the pain of saying goodbye to one of them, the absolute bliss of holding our miracle. I never imagined the struggles would be as hard and that they would lead to the sweetest places.

I look back at those kids walking down the aisle and I laugh at how little they knew about the road they would take.

This is not the life I imagined.

It is soooo much more.

I never knew the mundane things that would define me, would be things I would treasure.

I guess, once again, God is reminding me that His plans so much further exceed my imaginations.

No Catchy Title Either

2012-02-03T22:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight, no good "first lines" are coming to me.

We all know how important that first line in an essay (or blog post) is. We learned back in middle school. That's the line that makes the audience decide whether they are going to keep reading. It has to be catchy. It has to grab the reader, draw them in...and I have backspaced my first line a million times.

I've got no good intro so I guess I'll just jump in.

Can that be okay for tonight? I mean, I'm bound to have 15 or 20 good intros this month, so a few super boring, sub par ones are acceptable right?

Back at the 10 days of prayer I did something new. It was pretty outlandish actually.

I have been carrying around this secret dream for nearly a year. An aching secret dream that I have mentioned to God in prayer a time or two, but knew it wasn't really n the realm of human possibility so I prayed things like "God, you know I really want this but I know it's probably not your will so help me to be content."

The same God I begged and believed would heal my daughter, I just wrote off as wanting me to have this other impractical dream. Sometimes I have to laugh at my own ridiculousness.

So here I was, at day 7 or so and sitting in my "personal prayer time" seat. Listening to the worship music and focusing on God and trying to be quiet and listen...and I started to pray about this dream.

Now let me be clear. It wasn't just big like "We need a new car." It was crazy big...and the desire for it was nearly crushing. To the point of tears at the thought of it being a dream never realized. For months I carried this around. Aching in my soul.

So I start to really be honest with God and pour my emotion all over the pew. I was utterly transparent in my dream. In the crushing weight of it. I poured it all out and gave it 100% to God, knowing he might say "no".

And I think that was my fear all along, that He would say "no" when I wanted to hope for a yes more than anything.

My God has plans for my life that are better than anything I can ever imagine. He has shown me that time and time again. In so many ways He has shown me...but this dream, it felt to big to let go of.

Until that day. I let it all go.

And it wasn't until last week that I realized that the heaviness and burden for my outlandish dream had vanished. I was no longer dragging around this heavy sack of fear and desire. God totally has freed me from it, by taking my burden as His. Even for something as simple as *my* crazy dream.

As for the answer to my crazy prayer? Maybe this post would be better if I ended with "And you know what? As soon as I let it go He said YES!!" But in truth, I'm fairly certain the answer is "No, this isn't my plan for you, sweet daughter". The amazing part is, I'm okay with that. Not just okay...but great with that. Because my dream was pretty big and amazing, so if He's got better for me? How can that be bad.

Blessed

2012-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

Do you hear that? Just now, the dryer stopped, the TV is off, and everyone is asleep. It is beautifully, blissfully quiet...save the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard.

One of my favorite sounds.

I need to get up and put the kids' martial arts uniforms in the dryer and finish a project for a client tomorrow, but I'm just going to take a few minutes and write...sound good?

And yes, I did just say client. :) tomorrow I am meeting with a couple to help them create a personalized, styled photoshoot with my amazing friend Stacee Lianna and I am so excited. Styling shoots is quickly becoming one of my very favorite things. It's all the fun of wedding and party planning on a much smaller and more personal scale!

It's funny, because I didn't really see this happening, I was always just along for the ride and moral support with Stacee. I always knew she'd be behind the lens for epic shoots, but I didn't know I'd get to play a part in helping her clients build these amazing memories. Documenting special events and relationships in deeply personal ways.

I love how God is so remarkable like that. One of my most favorite things I used to have the opportunity to do when I volunteered with the Women's Ministry at my church was decorating and coming up with themed events. I LOVED it. I loved how a cute table setting would imediatly connect women to the central message of the day or weekend.

I have missed it. Deeply.

But God, in his immeasurable love, has given me a chance to practice what I love again. Isn't that so like him to care about something so insignificant? Because I care. And He loves me.

I am so blessed.

Bloguary!!!

2012-02-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

I tried to back myself out of this again. I always do :p

But it's February and here I am, I'm trying to carve out a few mins each day to sit and reflect.

Things are really weird for me right now because I feel like a few weeks back everything changed for me, and not one single circumstance in my life did. Finances didn't multiply, relationships didn't change, schedules didn't slow down, the baby didn't start sleeping.

Nothing changed...except me.

It's no secret I have struggled with a lot of stuff over the last few years. Mostly relational stuff. The hardest things to struggle through for me are relational stuff.

So how did it change?

God. No question.

A few weeks back we were having 10 nights of prayer meetings at my church. They weren't at the best times and they were hard to get to, but I really wanted to be a part of things. I wanted to see, first hand, how God would move.

I wanted to see all the incredible signs and wonders. Healing. Dancing in the aisles. I wanted to see it all.

What I saw instead was a family. A quiet family, waiting together and sharing in an intimate season together. God moved, yes. Pain was removed. Hope was restored. Faith was renewed.

And my heart was healed. Healed and open to what ever God wants to do.

Snowy Fields

2012-01-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

All my life I have wanted to have some guest speaker at church, look at me and say "God wants me to tell you ____________." All my life.

I know it's silly, but I always was awed that God would do that, that He would take that split second to connect with one of His children in such a powerful and personal way.

When I was pregnant with Eden I would often pray that God would send me confirmation of her impending healing in that way. That someone would come up to me and say "God showed me an image of your baby and she was healed!" Of course that never happened because that wasn't God's plan.

Still, I always wanted that person God got all showy with to be me.

As I grew older the desired to be *used* in that way grew as well. I still pray "God, use me. I want to show someone how much you love them." And, He is pretty faithful in that one. I love to tell people how very much Jesus loves them. It is probably my most favorite thing in the whole world.

One of them.

Another came tonight...when God did just what I always asked...and spoke to me...through someone else's vision...He picked Me. To remind me of how much He loves me. To remind me that He's heard me. To remind me that I'm not crazy. Just a little note of encouragement to wait on His timing but that His timing is as faithful as the seasons. That where snow falls, it also melts and gives birth to new life.

I am so incredibly blessed...today I am blessed because I am seen by The One Who Matters Most.

So blessed.

And my Joy Dare:

Day 3:

Three lines you overheard that were graces:

Ok, I'm just going to admit that I don't entirely *get* this one, but that's not going to stop me. Here are three nuggets of truth I heard tonight...

1. God is the author of life, it is so much easier if we let Him have the pen.

2. Matthew 24:13 "the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. "

3. Psalm 103:17 "But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children" There is nothing I want more for my babies. NOTHING.

New Year, New Challenges

2012-01-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

If I sat down to write a year in review blog it would probably be very short yet it would hold so much. Everything has changed so much and I often catch myself, staring at my husband saying things like "Can you believe that one year ago I was crying over the fact that I had *ruined* Zoe for sleeping on her own" as Zoe now sleeps blissfully happy in her crib.

Looking back through this year it's been such a haze of rapid change. We've only lived in this house 13 months and there are still boxes to unpack. So much has happened, is happening that I've felt a lot of life has been a blur.

This year I hope to be a bit more intentional about my time and to really focus on a deeper understanding and relationship with Jesus. I plan to seek after the joy and peace that come from a closer walk with Him with more fervor than this last year.

Enter a blog/life challenge. Enter The Joy Dare. Simply put, a little daily focus on Joy. Joy, a God given gift.

I'm late to the party, but i don't intend to give up and trow in the towel...I'll just start late and try to catch up.

I doubt I'll blog it everyday, but I'll try and keep an updated list here on the blog.

So here we go:

Day 1:

3 things about yourself that you are grateful for:

Hmmmm... this isn't easy to think of right off the bat. I mean, i think I have pretty eyes but am I grateful for them? Are my eyes a "about me" anyway?

I am grateful that I am stubborn. I don't think I am the type to just dig my heels in because I want to, but when I passionately believe in something, I get pretty rooted. I grab onto God and I use all my tenacity to hang onto or fight for what I think is right.

I am grateful that I am so vulnerable. Vulnerability rarely feels very good and has opened me up to a world of hurt and mistreatment by people I was emotionally vulnerable too. I have wept bitter tears over betrayal and relationships lost. I have felt hurt deeper than I care to remember. I have also had true, honest, deep relationships that have brought me the sweetest tears and greatest laughs.

I am grateful that I bore Eden. I did not carry her alone. I did not bear the burden of her death alone. God was every bit of strength in those many months of her short life, and He is my sustaining force, to this very moment. Still, I am grateful that I heard from Him and obeyed. I am grateful everyday that I loved her like I loved all the others. I am soooo grateful that she was allowed to live and that I got to choose that for her.

Day 2:

A gift outside, inside, and on a plate.

I am still a little cold from one of my nighttime walks. When i slip out at night and join up with my friend and we walk we do so much more than exercise our bodies. We laugh and plan and mostly dream. We share each others burdens and joys. We offer encouragement and a listening ear. I love these walks.

And when I came inside, it was still and quiet. The chaos of the day had melted and my family are all nestled in bed, healthy and warm.

I will probably eat one of my favorite Christmas cookies before I head off to bed. The box is half empty and when they are gone, they'll be gone until November. But tonight I will delight in them and how they taste delicious and remind me of the Christmas wonder of my childhood.

How about you? How would you answer The Joy Dare?

Dreaming

2011-12-06T20:36:00.000-08:00

The tree is up and stockings are spread all over the house. The air is cold and there are chocolate countdown calendars all over my house... It's Christmas time.

With Christmas comes my favorite, favorite, favorite Christmas cd. The Child of The Promise. Way back in late October of 2000 one of my good friends and I ended up with a last minute opportunity to go see The Child of The Promise performed live. A cross between a musical and mini concert, we were thrilled. I remember heading to our last minute seats, shocked that we somehow ended up eighth row center. I had my brand new baby in her sling and was still not quite myself from her recent birth.

When we settled in we had no idea that this would become the soundtrack to every Christmas following.

We sat for a few hours lost in the musical retelling of the events leading to the birth of Jesus and some of the prophesies fulfilled in his first few years. I wept and smiled and fell in love with the my Jesus all over again.

There were plans to tour each year, and my friend and I were anxiously awaiting ticket sales for the October 2011 date, when terrorists flew their planes into buildings and changed everything. The show decided to cancel and, for whatever reason, lost momentum, and that was it.

One season and one very well loved CD.

Every year there is something new that moves me...the tender loving moments between Joseph and Mary just before the birth of baby Jesus, the unwavering faith of Mary as she lays down her plans to go where ever the Lord leads her...but one song always tugs at my heart. One song is hard to sing through...Elizabeth, singing about the dream she held for her baby. The dream God kept alive. The dream God made reality.

I sang that same song when I finally was pregnant with my third baby, a son, named John...after waiting so long.

I sang that song when I held Zoe in my arms in front of last year's tree.

I sing that song for so many unspoken dreams.

I sing that song because I *know* my God sings over me. That He loves me. That He has plans for my dreams.

"Isn't it just like the Lord to

invite me
To put all my dreams in His hands
Forever releasing the grip that once
held them
Forever surrendering my plans"

So how about you? What are your dreams?

The fastest year ever.

2011-11-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am so exhausted that the idea of anything coherent coming through in this post is laughable, yet I still want to try and capture what is swirling around in my heart and mind.

I just tucked my sweet Zoe into bed for the 3rd time tonight...seems 3 days of festivities celebrating her first birthday is just a bit too much for her.

I was holding her, alone in my dark living room, listening to the rain and I could barely believe that this amazing little person was mine. That this entire year has passed much too quickly. That I was almost surprised it wasn't over.

Is that weird? That every morning, when Zoe is still here, feels like a new and precious gift? And that every bedtime is a treasured remembrance of the day?

So I was holding my sweet baby, looking into her face, and I just needed to write it down.

I am so blessed to live my life. With all the struggles. All the stresses. The busyness and the cranky attitudes we sometimes throw around, I am so incredibly blessed.

I am honored, everyday, that God has entrusted these amazing people to me to raise. That He loves me so much that He lets me be a part of the plan for their lives.

Even with Eden...it was an honor.

I am blessed.

Not Where I Was Headed

2011-10-24T22:29:00.001-07:00

All around me people are embarking on new adventures. New dreams are being realized, and I sort of feel like I am being left behind.

Not that any of them are leaving me, exactly, just that my life is slow right now. There are still 4am feedings, stuffy noses, and school work.

I'm still in the highly needed stage of parenting, and honestly, I love it. I'd not choose anything else... but at the same time I am feeling a little restless.

Being wife and mom requires that approximately 80% of my time is devoted to someone else. To meeting sombody's basic needs. Feeding, clothing, cuddles. 80%.

Lately I have been noticing a real lack in the refueling that needs to happen in the other 20%. So I am watching people with new dreams and noticing that spark and wondering where mine is. I have written about this before. It's a pretty common 1-year-after-a-baby syndrome.

It is a little sad, but also a lot exciting. This time I am trying ever so hard to shut down the voices that are trying to tell me that this feeling is from my own, personal. lack. That it is a mark of my inadequacies. That I will feel this way forever.

I'm trying to hear God's voice as He guides me.

I am trying to fight against the urge to measure myself by someone else's yard stick.

And when I start to fail, I can hear myself speak these same words to my daughter, and I am reminded to hear them again.

So here I am...again...waiting. Wondering. Dreaming. Struggling.

Memorial Stones

2011-09-24T22:11:00.001-07:00

Today was a no good, horrible, very bad day around here. It started bad, got worse, and then went down hill.

The kids were cranky.

The mom was cranky.

The dad was cranky.

If we had pets, I bet they'd have been cranky too.

It was awful.

I was so happy to put the kids in bed tonight I could have cried.

Yet, in the midst of the terrible day, who shows up to meet me? God does.

My hubby and I stole a few moments to talk about all the little things piling up to turn me into a crazy person and in that conversation, God just confirmed so many things, through him, in my heart. It was truly beautiful really.

I am trying to build little monuments to remember my blessings as we trudge through some economic stuff, and as I trudge through some emotional stuff.

I have been watching my kids lately, with different eyes as they go off to school 2 days a week. After having them full time for the last 4 years, I see new things about them as they head out in to the great big world...without me.

I am struck by the confidence and maturity I see in my eldest.

It was not too long ago that he couldn't look most adults in the eye and answered all questions from just about anyone with one word answers.

I am grateful for the chance to have been able to pour into him and help him to find his voice, his talents, his faith...and to now see those things lived out.

I am, perhaps, the only mother to an eighth grader whose son leans in to hug and kiss her good-bye each day, on the steps of his classroom. He's not interested in being "cool". He's interested in being Noah.

For all his stubbornness at home, he steadfastly refuses to be someone other than himself out in public.

And who he is, is pretty awesome.

There is Phoebe, who doesn't quite have that grip on staying herself, but whom I know so well, that I can see it in how she is walking, if the day has been one where she has had to fight her insecurities with every step. I know the lies that play in her head enough to recite them...and I know when she needs to be loved on and reminded of the woman God has created her to be.

I love the days where she triumphs and the quirky, kind, amazingly generous and adventurous girl bounds through the door with a smile that bubbles up from her toes.

What do I say about Jack? There has never been a child more fascinated with the puzzle that is life. I see his mind absorbing so much each day, and I am so excited that I still get to be such a huge part of that. That his smile is one that fills each room he enters and that his curiosity is constantly expanding.

So, on days when it's really hard, I am going to look on these words and rejoice that all the hard days before have resulted in these children, and our beautiful relationships...and I am going to anxiously await the bigger and more abundant blessings to come.

The most important things

2011-09-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

If this post gets finished and published it will be a minor miracle.

It's pretty hard to keep my thoughts flowing while battling Zoe for the keyboard and moving her away from the desk doors and out of all my paperwork. Right now I have, possibly, two minutes while she chews on a marker she shouldn't have, to write.

Today it is just us girls. The big kids are at school and we didn't have to drive them, so it's been a pretty free morning. I had visions of accomplishing so much.

Yet the laundry and dishes are still undone, clothes are still strewn about. (Why is Jack's pj shirt in the kitchen?) And the rest is just not tidied up.

Why?

Because Zoe wanted me to hold her instead.

We ate oatmeal.

She used me like a jungle gym.

She played with her toys, but only while I was holding her next to me, on the couch.

She is not a typically cuddly baby, but she really wants to be where the action is. And when it's the two of us, she wants my undivided attention. What a blessing.

Just like God. He wants my undivided attention too, and yet I find it so hard to give sometimes. I love to sit and talk to God, while I am crafting...while I am listening to music...while I am in the shower...

And yet, He is calling me, over and over again, to just sit with Him. To delight in that time. To love Him uninterrupted.

This is not where I thought this post was going...but I guess it is what God wanted me to hear. So I am logging off to visit with my Jesus.

Choosing to Fail

2011-09-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

It was about 5 o'clock this morning when I heard Zoe crying. I was dead asleep and the idea of getting out of my cozy bed was not appealing, not in the least. I was warm. The blankets were molded just right. Everything was optimal.

I lay there for a minute or two thinking about how hard it is to get Zoe to sleep reasonably in the morning, and how if I get up to get her she will likely wake up at 4am the next day.

I thought about letting her just cry it out. Getting her to figure it out on her own...and then she started melting my heart with "Mamamama". I got up. I went to her room and saw, in the dim light, her little face light up and heard her now pathetic "mamamama".

I scooped her up, took her into my room, and nursed her.

The truth is, I love nursing Zoe in the pre-dawn hours. I'm sleepy and groggy, but she nurses like a newborn in those dark, quiet moments. There, with nothing but the sound of her breathing heavy and gulping milk, it's just us. Alone. I can feel her sleepy warm body nestled in the crook of my arm. I can study her little eyelashes, or I can close my eyes and snuggle with her while I meet her most basic need.

I am a sleep training failure with Zoe. I get teased that it is because I've gone soft...and I think that is true. There are so many things I will struggle through with her. So many hurdles that will require me to stand stronger and firmer, but is this that thing? Will this change her into a selfish, unreasonable, unloving child? Will this be an obstacle in her faith development? Will this *really* matter?

I just don't see the value in stressing out so much about it any more. As long as she is getting pretty reasonable sleep, why should I skip these moments...precious moments that will soon pass and I will never get to relive? Why deny that I love the sacrifice? That I cherish these moments far more than even she does?

Zoe is the baby. She is the last baby. She is the baby who God gave us to reveal something special. She is a baby of hope, and promise.

She changed everything I ever thought I believed about being a mother and parenting a child, save one. If I keep loving God and sharing Him with my kids, then I am doing the most important thing.

Sleep will come. Time will pass too quickly.

Isn't it kind of icky?

2011-08-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today someone asked me about the benefits of cloth diapers, over disposables. They asked because they knew that I was using cloth now, after 3 babies in disposables.

I gave her all of the environmental/cost/coziness answers. Those answers are all good ones. Keeping dirty diapers out of landfills. Diapering for hundreds of dollars less. Cozy cotton on baby's bum. All good answers.

There was one answer I couldn't quite put into words though. One I have started a million blog posts on, and then left them half finished and unpublished. the answer that I'm going to try to give again.

When I hold Zoe, there is something even more precious in her big blue eyes, something even sweeter in her toothless grin, than with the babies before her. There is a knowledge of how fragile and miraculous her little life is. I want to drink in every second, every act of parenting her. I want to rock her to sleep in my arms and rest her warm cheek against mine, every minute.

The rush of "when will she...?" is replaced by a desperate desire to slow her down. She is my baby. My last baby. The baby born after a baby lost.

When I diaper her in cloth, it's a little more effort. It's a little slower. I wash them, i hang them on a line to dry. I smile with every clothespin because I am savoring a tiny part of her babyness in those moments.

I am taking the part of parenting her that is least precious, and I am making it special.

I never got to diaper Eden. I never had to meet that basic need for her...and that has made me choose to be fully present in that need with Zoe.

So there you go. In many ways I don't even want to post this, because even I think it sounds a little crazy. In other ways, maybe I'm not alone in finding such a simple way to connect with my baby, and someone else out there will read this and think, "Yes. That!"

I should be asleep

2011-07-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the living room, listening to the washer run, tv paused, and I know I should get up and go to bed. That I should pick the messes up off the floor, turn off the lights, check the babies and snuggle into my bed.

I know that in 5 hours I will be nursing Zoe, wishing I had gone to bed before 11pm.

I know all of this.

But, I'm blogging instead.

I have been stalking Ebay and Craigslist looking for a used netbbook so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour and still have some time to write, but for now, I'll steal my moments at the desktop, when there is the briefest moment of relative quiet, and I'll see what flows out.

I have noticed a small victory in one area that my faith and fears are constantly at odds. I have lived a tiny bit in the freedom that comes from trusting God, fully, when it comes to His provision.

If I have said it once, I have said it a million times... *this* is where I struggle. This is where Satan whispers in my ear and I find myself nodding along with the lies. It's frustrating, but it is part of my story.

I have noticed in the past month or so that there have been some large financial setbacks, and I have not toppled under the fear of them. That God has consistently provided and blessed us, and that I have had the joy of someone living fully in peace with that trust.

Yet, at the same time I have noticed that old wounds are gaping and raw, once again. I am not sure why, but here I am bleeding all over the place and wondering where my peace, healing, and joy have gone. I poured out my pain and frustration at the feet of God and I hear *nothing*.

Until I pour it all out again to my husband.

I am still raw, but I am beyond blessed.

18 years ago I was just a kid, about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life, and marry my best friend. We had no idea where God would take us, or even what marriage was going to be about. We just knew that this was what God wanted for us.

In these 18 years I have laughed harder than I knew was possible, and cried from depths I didn't know I had. I have grown and changed and fallen and struggled, but I have never been alone. I have become a mother, five times over. I have given one of my children back into the hands of God all too soon. I have lived life with wild abandon and I have peaked inside death's door. I have lived so much, and I have done it all with the love, support, friendship, and spiritual partnership of a great and amazing man.

So much of who I am is a result of who he believed I could be. Every thing I am proud to be is because of God, working through him.

Tonight, I will think back on the excited anticipation I felt 18 years ago and laugh at all that that young girl didn't know she was getting into...and I will give thanks to a God who had a plan for me beyond any hope or dream I could have come up with.

Cheaper than Therapy

2011-06-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

When I sat down to write my first blog post, just over 4 years ago, I had no idea that I would come to depend on these moments with a keyboard to clear my head. That I would physically crave time to write. That it would make me sad when I didn't do it.

It has been too long that I have neglected this little bit of self care. This little bit of sharing me, that forces me to look at me, my world, My God...all a little differently.

In the many months since my sweet Zoe's birth, I have been through, what feels like, 3 lifetimes of changes. Most of them good, but no without their toll.

I have been battered in the process of this change, not just me either, but my family as well. Through it all, though, our constant has been our creator.

I have felt and seen His love and provision in so many ways. Just today, I was feeling a little down and He sends a little bright spot that I know is just a reminder that I am not unseen.

It astonishes me sometimes, that even after Eden. After decades of God pouring out His love on me, I still catch myself wondering if He sees me. More amazing, that He knows I wonder and that there is no chastisement in it. That He takes the time to show me, in the simplest ways, that I am seen.

How do I deserve to be so blessed?

Guest Blogger

2011-05-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today I had the awesome privilege of guest blogging over on my good friend Stacee's blog on the importance of setting aside insecurity and reveling in moments.

Feel free to stop by and give her some love. :)

The Kindness of Strangers

2011-02-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

Confession:

I am not one of those amazing homeschooling moms you might see on TV. I don't have a dedicated classroom and special study spots for my kids. There are no maps hanging on our walls and no one writes in a daily journal. These are all things I always think we'll do. Things I excitedly plan into the year...and they never make it.

I also don't take my kids to the library several times a week.

I don't really even know how to properly utilize Library Day since all that happens is my Oldest gets a million Star Wars books, the middle gets books on 50 different subjects that end up all over the house, and my pre-reader just sits at the library computer with headphones on and tries to yell his "whispers" to anyone nearby.

In fact, I can't even remember to turn my books in on time.

All these things make me very grateful one of my closest friends works at the library. Now I can borrow a few books and she's usually on top of my account, helping me get things in before accruing major fines.

Now when I hear about an interesting book I usually can borrow it and enjoy it knowing I have help getting it turned in. That is, until the move.

I was reading a great book in the final weeks of my pregnancy and carting it with me everywhere so I could grab any spare minute to read. I even packed it for the hospital when the baby was born...or I think I did.

It wasn't long after we moved that I realized it was lost. I was pretty bummed that I'd have to buy a new one, but knew it had never been unpacked so really was gone.

Until earlier this week when I mentioned it to my friend and she told me it had been returned to the library! Some stranger had found my book, somewhere, and returned it for me.

Such a little thing but it made me smile all the same. Someone went out of their way to help me out, or to help the library, who knows? But they did..and it blessed me.

Belly Laughs

2011-02-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up cranky. Do you ever do that? Maybe for no reason what so ever you wake up just plain irritated at the world. Annoyed that you have to wake up at all.

I was cranky. I tried very hard not to act cranky and any poor children who happened to cross my path before my morning cup of decaf, but that wasn't easy since the day started with my 5 year old slamming open my bedroom door and waking both me, an the baby.

But, I digress.

So I was trying not to act cranky, drinking my decaf coffee and doing my best to pretend it was my favorite regular coffee when I realized that I had some things to finish up in the kitchen that got put on hold yesterday when my sink, literally, exploded. Yep. I was minding my own business, doing some dishes when something popped and water started pouring out from the cabinet beneath the sink...so my chicken separating and marinating never happened.

Remembering this I put the baby in her swing and tasked her sister to hang out with her while I finished up.

Then i heard the most beautiful sound...deep, true, loud belly laughs from the baby. If you are not a parent I don't know if I can properly explain how magical that sound is. It is the sound of joy that has never known heartbreak or disappointment. It is glee that has never been embarrassed or shamed. It is pure and lovely.

And it is magical.

It has the power to take a cranky, busy mom and make her stop in her tracks and forget that she still hasn't had breakfast, that her coffee is decaf, that there is something sticky on the floor, that the laundry is piling up in the bathroom, that she's behind in all she had planned for the week and it's only Tuesday, and that she hasn't properly slept in months.

Because her baby is laughing.

That cranky and frazzled mom will abandon the chicken and the marinade and for a few moments she'll be just as carefree as her precious baby...because mom is laughing too. With the same abandon and joy, mom is laughing too. And so are the big brothers and big sister. We are all sharing in this moment together and it's like a giant reset on the day.

We went on to deal with everyday stuff. The children bickered and pouted over chores, but my whole day felt lighter because i got to stop and relish in that laughter.

It's the little things

2011-01-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a really crappy morning. One of those where I go outside and sit on the porch to cry...a lot. I pouted at God, I prayed for peace, I tried to buck up...but mostly I just cried and cried.

I could tell you about all the little things that piled up to become one giant thing, but really, why? What good would that do either of us. Fact is, sometimes life is just plain hard. Even when it's not awful or terrible, it's hard. My world wasn't coming to an end, I was just overwhelmed and unable to get out from under it.

So I escaped to a nice hot shower. I started thinking about how grateful I was to have that shower. It's a second shower, not the one in my bathroom, next to the inconsolable baby that was trying to sleep, but an entire second shower I could escape to.

I always wanted to write a weekly blog series, but never knew what I had to share weekly that had consistent value...but, inspired by that hot shower and my good friend Stacee Lianna, I finally saw it.

It's the little things.

Just like it was little things that had piled up and tried to crush me, it was the little things that were going to give me some perspective.

I have so many obvious and big blessings...my God, my family, my health...but I also have a million little blessings too. Little love notes that I believe are from God, every day. Things that tend to be a little more tangible and immediate.

Things like that shower. It might seem silly, but a hot shower is one of my cheapest forms of therapy. I can literally feel my stresses flowing down the drain. Maybe it's because it's one of the few times I am alone and can hear myself. All the outside noises are drowned out and no kids are asking me for, or demanding anything from me. And to realize that I had an option of a shower today because we had a second shower was like a bright light in the midst of all the ick from my morning.

Our house is not yet put together from our move, and there are still a lot of bad feelings associated with how things went with the old landlord, but loving this house, knowing it is home, and enjoying things like hot showers make that all feel so much better.

2011-01-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

I wish I had words to even begin to describe the events, emotions, revelations, and life that I have lived in these last several months.

I have so missed sharing myself and my thoughts with this blog.

Zoe, baby number 5, is finally asleep in her bassinet, the big kids are at church, and my sweet hubby is sleeping after a very long day. Me? I'm just enjoying the few minutes of peace.

Zoe has been so much of a blessing, even as the most challenging baby I have ever had. She is making her mark on our little family. Each of the children is more in love with her each day. Even Jack, the "baby" before her, has loved her from the moment he saw her.

I'm sort of struggling to figure out what each next step is for me, not in a "what next" sort of way, but in a "how does this fit" way. I'm trying to fit this new family dynamic and new personal dynamic into the lives we have been living. It's difficult and frustrating, but, when I can step back from them a bit, incredibly exciting.

I hope to be able to find more time to get back here as I work it all out.

Can someone say 'attitude adjustment'?

2010-04-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm having a few of those days where so much of what is good in my life...and there is *so much*... seems to be caught behind this veil of murky water. The day to day grind is kind of getting me down. I am hoping that I can get my brain and spirit back in line if I take a few moments to focus and get it out.

I had a run in with someone today and it was really unpleasant, when I am alone he talks down to me because I am a woman and since I need to live in peace with this person as a part of the very peripheral part of my life I can't really get up in his face about it, so I have to smile and nod and agree when what I want to do is whip out the best finger wave I can muster and a good "Look here you..." It's a great lesson in trusting God I suppose. In letting Him fight my battles and raise me up. Unless something divine is done in this man's heart I can't see the situation really changing so I need to count this as one of those time where rain is falling on the "just and unjust" and let it go...so not my natural reaction.

I have also made great strides to become more debt free and less spendy. I have never been an extravagant spender, nor has my husband, but I have been learning new and creative ways to stretch money a little further... and then my car windshield cracks and my husband's car starts has this fun mechanical problem...bye-bye any stitch of getting ahead. Gah, it's so frustrating. Now there are some new expenses we hadn't planned for or seen coming that really shouldn't be on us, but are and we'll have to find a way with those too. Gah, again. Why is this always such a struggle for me? Why do i find it so hard to actually, joyfully, "consider the lilies of the field"? To look around me and see that we have *never* gone hungry. That we have *never* gone without. My living room floor is currently covered in a maternity wardrob larger than my regular one. All hand me downs and perfect for the seasons I'll need them. They are sitting next to the most comfortable couch I have ever sat on, that was also a handme down that was practically new. That faces the amazing TV my parents gifted us with at Christmas...and that's all *extra* that God doles out with wild abandon...and somehow I fret about the necessities. Sheesh. Even the car with the mechanical problem? that was a gift. We've only ever paid for gas and some minor maintenance...yet still, I fret. How many times will God need to teach me this same lesson?

I feel discouraged by my messy house, not dirty, just messy and then I look at the three amazing children I have...dragging things hear and there all day...and wonder how I could let that bog me down? I know every mother thinks it, but I, honestly, have amazing kids. I would totally pick them if I got a do over. I *like* them. they are funny, and kind, and loving. They love God and their family. Today, after i had been talked down to, they had my back. My oldest saying "I wish I were just a little bit older and I could tell him to talk to me!" Who is that blessed? Me! That's who.

So, I have everything I need, a lot of things I *want*, kids and a husband who love me more than I ever thought possible, a God who has my whole life in His hands and guarantees that He is working "everything for the good" of me and mine...and still I get discouraged?

Sheesh.

Best gift ever

2010-02-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

It feels so much later than it really is, and the day has just flown by...but I need to take a few moments and really reflect, really see, really savor the last dozen or so hours.

It's not strange to think a birthday would have you start to reflect on the life you are living. Who and how you serve, parent, friend, and think.

It's been a wild few years, as I've said over and over again. I'm not going to lie, I haven't always dealt with it all with grace or humility. I haven't always adjusted my focus tpo the eternal and away from the spiritual...but more often than not I have. I have striven to see god when I felt blind, and listen to the whisper of His small voice. I have wanted to live out who He was calling me to be and walk the path I felt was the one He placed me on.

I fell, I got pretty beat up along the way, but mt great big God always waited next to me, with His hand outstretched to lift me up.

Today was fun and amazing, with nothing particular spectacular. A rare midweek breakfast and movie date with the one person on this earth who loves me beyond measure, the joy of a stolen day together. A relaxing dinner and a casual conversation in patio chairs on display at Kohl's with a dear friend. Nothing spectacular but a day marked with the profound.

Today, in messages that were unexpected, in gifts that were small tokens or grand gestures, in cards from other countries...in all of these things...an assurance that I was loved for simply being me. That I was valuable to people whom I love. That God gave me a life to live with great relationship and joy.

Today I saw myself through the eyes of God as special and called for purpose. Today I knew who i was more clearly than I have in ages.

Today petty disputes and profound disagreements ceased to define or darken the great love that I have been blessed with.

Today God met me and spoke with me in a voice as loud as thunder. Spoke to me a language of deep, unimaginable love.

Today I was freed. Again.

Bogarted

2010-02-19T23:58:00.000-08:00

So I was tagged by my amazing friend Denise...again...and I put off the post for way too long.

The gist was about where I see myself in 10 years...and I thought that was interesting given all this talk of "The List".

I also have a half finished post about starting my list, and crossing off #37 Find or develop a pizza recipe my family loves.

So maybe, if you'll indulge me, I can talk a little bit about both.

It is an interesting time to be thinking about the future and where I hope to be, or what I hope to accomplish since I am just a few days away from a monumental birthday. 35.

I said it when I turned 30, but even more so now, at 35, I feel like that is such a grown-up. While I know I have dealt with some truly major things, and still do, I still am a little surprised when I say the number. I guess I always thought that when I was 35 I'd have "figured it out" or "followed my dreams" or something equally vague and finished sounding.

I think the thing I know now, is that the figuring it out, and the dreaming, that's always in process. That it and the dreams are ever changing. That nothing is figured out ever really, unless you have learned to be fully present in the day to day and seek the miraculous in the everyday.

Tonight, as my family sat down to cheer on Boston Rob and dine on pizza that I made from scratch I had a tremendous sense of pride at knowing that the very dinner we ate, was once only a goal, and is now a reality.

So to reflect on where I'll be when I turn 45? I, in all honesty, can't even pretend to imagine.

My eldest son, and even my daughter (if she follows in my footsteps) could be married in 10 years! It's even possible I could be a grandmother! How crazy would that be? My youngest will still be home, making me laugh everyday...and if God decides to bless us, maybe he won't be alone.

I hope things will have slowed down with my husband not struggling to finish a master's degree and work every spare second he can to provide a way for me to be staying home with our children.

I hope that the deep deep friendships I have now will have only deepened.

I am prayerful that the people I love, who are in the midst of trials so overwhelming now, will have been restored and blessed in abundance.

In my dreams my church has grown to overflowing and is impacting the city, nation, and world with the awesome and amazing love of God.

My list will have been long completed and perhaps another will have begun.

If feels amazing to look ahead with hope and prayer. To know that no matter where I am in 10 years, Jesus will be right there with me.

And in closing...because it may never get it's own post my list is here...feel free to look it over

Well, I always try to be honest

2010-01-19T23:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't been tagged in a blog in ages...I almost missed it when my friend Denise tagged me on hers. I was reading along and sort of skimmerd her tagged people and noticed a familiar name.

So here goes, 10 honest things about me:

1. I have been married to my husband for nearly half of my life. We met when I was just 17 and were married when I was just 18. Everyone thought we were crazy...truthfully I think we knew we were crazy. We also knew that this was where God was leading us and that it was 100% His plan.

2. On the same subject, there were only a handful of people who expressed a genuine concern for us and seriously questioned our motives and commitment. Those people all were acting out of a real concern for us, and even then, I cherished it. The people who were questioning us helped us clarify and know this was God's plan. I also know those people prayed for us and will reap benefits for all of their commitment to us.

3. I will be 35 years old in just over a month and the idea that I could be 35 is thoroughly amusing to me. I just always thought of 35 as a "real grown-up" and still don't see myself as that age, but I embrace it fully. Every time I catch a few of my grey hairs in the mirror I smile because they mean something to me. I feel like getting older is a gift given from God.

4. One of my big regrets is that I stopped singing. I am, by no means, a "singer" but I can hold a tune decently and I really, really love it. I had one person say something that wasn't even that critical, it was actually meant to be sweet, and I let that just burrow in and make me think I should stop. Even worse than being unfair to myself, it was unfair to the person who said it, to put that on them.

5. I also love to act. As a grown-up who didn't choose that as a career I never find a place to do it. I plan on changing that soon.

6. Every time I watch a national cooking championship or a detailed cooking show I convince myself I could do the same or better. I have aspirations to enter a cooking championship someday.

7. While everyone who knows me knows I love Jesus, very few people know how much I actually love church. I love to study and find out more about the person of Christ, but just as deeply I love being in the physical building of my church. It's not fancy, it's just home. It's deeply tied to who I am and when things feel "off" there, every part of me hurts because it is my family and my home.

8. I'm a firebug. Well, not really but I LOVE fire. I love to light candles and I love to watch a fireplace crackle. There is something almost hypnotic about it and I start to feel peaceful when the flames are flickering.

9. I don't know my right from my left. I just have a mental block on it. About 6 years ago someone taught me the trick where your pointer finger and thumb make an "L" on your left hand and it made my day because it made figuring it all out so much quicker. It's also so much easier to fake knowledge now.

10. I am terrified of open water, yet I love water! I even start to feel like I can't breathe watching movies with open water in them. I have always been kind of freaked out being in the ocean, but it is still worth it enough to swim in it.

So there ya go, 10 honest things.

I am supposed to tag some more people but can't think of anyone to tag...so if you are reading this...consider yourself tagged.

Happy New Year?

2010-01-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

When everyone was posting glorious New Year posts I kept telling myself I'd wait until I really had time to reflect and write...that time never came..until now.

While I find so much comfort and peace, sitting at my desk writing and listening to God speak, I am realizing it get's harder and harder to make the time with so many people and things vying for my attention all the time. If I had a laptop I steal off to Starbucks to write, but alas...no laptop for me, so I steal the moments when they come.

Tonight I am making the moment a priority.

I have been going through a lot of inner changes and growth over the last several months, brought on by a lot of upheaval in the past few years. It took a good many months to get to a place where I was able to find enough of a foothold to finally start standing just a bit more steadily in the midst of it all.

With God as sherherd and good friends by my side, I finally feel righted again. Not perfect. Not fully healed...but ready to stand a little more steady and to keep standing.

Will I still stumble and have bad days? I'm sure. Do I feel far better equiped to face them? you bet.

One of the things I have set out to challenge myself with, and to be honest I think God has put it in my heart and mind, is something called The Day Zero Project. In short a personal (and now very public) challenge to come up with a list of 101 things to achieve in just 1001 days.

The first time I heard about it the idea sounded interesting but I dismissed it out of hand. I'd never accomplish 101 things about me. How sad. The very idea of having 101 dreams and goals felt beyond me.

Wouldn't you know though, the list kept coming up. I kept hearing about it and I kept thinking about it. I casually laughed it off as impossible for myself in discussion with a friend..."I'll never even get around to starting a list" hahaha. She just said "Nope, with that attitude you never will."

It stung.

That was the message God had been trying to get through. This was not the first time I heard it. It was hard to hear every time. I never imagined myself as someone who could dream, turns out I can dream impossible things for everyone else and I can expect God to move on their behalf...but when it comes to my dreams...I can't even figure out what they are most of the time.

In my bible study through the book of Luke these last few months I have been moved to tears several times over the relational person that God is. That when Jesus walked on this earth it was realtional and personal. He took great care in caring for the whole person...dreams and all.

So here I was with a blank page and the idea of 101 seemed so big. It still does really. I also wanted to try to hear God. I didn't want a whole list devoted to getting and doing...but to being more like Jesus and more aware of who He made me to be. I want my list to glorify him first, while fulfilling something in me.

So, I haven't officially started my Day Zero because my list isn't even halfway done. I'm close and just looking at it makes me love God even more, knowing he has put dreams in my heart and given me this amazing chance to find them.

Everyday Magic

2009-12-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

When you make the decision to follow where God leads when it comes to having a full time stay at home parent, thus one income, and three small children the idea that there will be sacrifices is built right in. Knowing that at times money will be tight and there may not be exciting things like laptops and ipods is kind of a given...though when we chose to walk this path ipods and laptops didn't yet exist. The point is still the same.

What you don't really see is that there might not be enough extra for things like little league or ballet.

I'll be honest, this has been a real struggle for me in the last year or so. The ide that, somehow, I was doing a disservice to my kids by raising them in a one income home. I have learned to bake my own bread, clip coupons, and do with out but still find that life keeps moving forward and debts still loom, and that little bit never really materializes.

So my kids are fed, and warm...but still they don't have the classes that it seems "every" other kid has.

My amazing husband reminds me that we are giving them something different, that we are giving them a mom at home. We are giving them examples of a real relationship with God, we are giving them an apreciation of the little things.

Now, Christmas is near and the "I wants" have surfaced and my knoledge of the budget have krept in to make me just a little sad...until today...when I saw my kids, my family, and my life through the eyes of someone else. Through a friend who knows us all in a very special way...

"if i wanted a family.. id want a family like yours...you guys have your own magical little world that not everyone gets to be a part of, not because you're exclusive, but because not everyone wants to take the time to invest in your magic. and i'm glad i was invited."

How to Put Words to What no Words Can Express?

2009-11-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Part of the reason I started this whole blog-a-day thing again was in an effort to put into words some of the deep changes brewing in my spirit.

I figured looking at my many blessings and those things I am blessed to enjoy was the perfect place to find the inspiration...but then the cars, yep cars, started to have major and minor issues. The kids got sick. I have been trying to keep some annoying illness at bay, life squeezed in and I wasn't able to connect the photo the same way I wanted too...in the end the posts felt a little ... flat.

So now I'm going to try to get it right. Bringing this little treasure into the light and not tucked away.

It's precious few times when I can actually pinpoint the start of God doing a major internal change in me ...it usually only shows when I look back at who I was and think "Wait? how did I get here?"

This time is different, and I say is because I know I still don't know the whole magnitude.

What started on a runway in Toronto is still stirring today. I see the steps, I see them small and imperfect, but I see God guiding them.

I am once again awestruck at His deep love for me, and His perfect design and craftsmanship...not just of the human person, but the human soul and spirit.

My heart longs to pour this all out as an offering to God and a testimony of His great love and yet, every time I try words fail me.

I believe God is preparing my heart for, not a battle, but a rebirth of some of my personal passions and joys. That He is bringing me to a place to see that He has my destiny and His blueprint for how I can be used in accordance with His plan...but that He is so loving, kind, and good that it will come with much personal fulfillment as well.

Can you imagine? Just to think of it overwhelms me. To think that the God who created all that is and will be, has on His holy agenda, that which will bring me a little smile and fuel a great, personal, passion. The amazingness of that simple truth is humbling beyond words.

In this past year I have mourned deeply as what I thought should be, didn't match what was. As I laid dreams and desires at God's feet only to walk away with them unmet. I trusted God and His wisdom but I ached at the many prayers answered "No." I wept bitter tears more times than I care to recount or admit as the road map for my life took turns I'd never have drawn in. I have struggled with feelings of being left behind, forgotten, unimportant, unremarkable, and in between, waiting on the "next". I admonished myself to wait on God, to live in the middle, to trust. I have trusted, but perhaps grudgingly. Knowing God's plan was perfect but pouting because I didn't have to like it.

Yet here I sit tonight, with nothing changed, no neon sign pointing to Next... no detours to point directly back to the path I long to be on, and still the whole thing is different because God is molding me in the circumstances I live everyday, with the circumstances I live everyday.

He is reminding me that every passion I have He designed, not for my frustration but for His purpose and my joy. That my greatest joys are found in living His purpose.

In this I am truly and utterly blessed.

Education

2009-11-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

I hadn't intended to take weekends off from my blog-a-day thing but I find that, each day, my time for sitting alone and thinking , and sharing gets swallowed up.

When we started school this year I scheduled in an hour block of time for me to just be alone...I've not taken one of those hours in the last three months. Something always presses in and takes hold. I guess without a recharge it's hard to sit and pour out more of me?

Today I didn't get that hour either...but I still found time to recharge. My kids had built this pretty amazing fort in the hallway,tall enough for an adult to stand in even, and I heard them all laughing and calling me. When I peeked my head around and saw the massiveness of the fortress I'll admit my first thought was "that's gonna be a pain to clean up" but I stopped myself from speaking the words. I listened to the laughter, saw the sparkles in their eyes...looked back around at the chores undone, and the school books not yet opened and I decided to do the most important thing and crawl in with them.

I layed there with the youngest alternately pinching my nose or demanding back 'scritches' for about a half hour. I took pictures with my cell phone and let them do the same. I forgot about deadlines and expectation for a minute and found time to unwind, right there in the chaos.

I'd say I learned a lot in school today!

Naps

2009-11-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

There are many things about childhood that appeal to me now, as an adult, that I wish I'd have appreciated then.

Scheduled and expected play time. Now it takes so much work, and planning, and sometimes a little guilt when you "should" be doing other things, to play. Playing is a lot more complicated than a bucket and the park. There is gas money, and hours of operation. There is driving, and sitters. There is matching schedules...so much work to play. But as a lid...we just played. Everyday. It was expected and encouraged.

Someone to pick out my clothes! Ugh...I wish I had someone to do that now.

Most of all though...naptime! What a beautiful and wonderful thing that I balked at while my pre-school teacher Miss Cathy tried every bribe and disipline she had to get me to lay quiet on my cot. Thinking I was being tortured for what I now know as one of the sweetest splurge.

There are several ingredients that add to a naps magic.

Location is key. A Sunday afternoon nap in my own bed will be delicious and cozy...but they don't hold a candle to a nice long nap on the couch. There is something so special about the stolen time there, right out in the open.

A good blankie. While I have been known to doze without, the sleep is never quite right without my favorite heavy quilt covering me. Even on a warm day the weight is like being snuggled by God, it's that amazing.

Background noise. I know, how can noise be good? It's not the noise so much as the drifting off with the tv on or the kids chatting with each other. It's like hitting pause on the real world and just taking a tiny vacation.

Finally, duration. This is a much contested detail amongst my fellow day sleepers...but I still belive a daytime nap can be too long. Don't misunderstand, I don't subscribe to the 20 minute power nap by any stretch. There is a ballance between having "wasted" the whole day with a nap and the nice hour long break. The trick is to get enough sleep that you have that "What an awesome nap" buzz when you wake up and ander ever so slowly back to your daily grind. Generally with a smile that makes you feel like you've gotten away with something.

I am so sorry I ever missed this blessing in pre-school.

Fall

2009-11-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

Every year when the weather starts to turn colder and we start to get intermittent rain showers my mind wanders back to a time when too young kids were falling in love and begining the adventure that would change their lives forever.

In the midst of homeschooling the kids, changing diapers, and watching my husband do the job of ten men...I remember what it was to jump in his car on Saturdays and head off to any number of random places...cinnamon flavored 7-11 coffee in hand.

When I look out the kitchen window and can scarcely see the house in front of me, I think of what it was like to wake up to love letters, damp with dew, left on my car's windshield...or flowers strewn in my car after school.

As we busily plan for the holiday season my mind wanders over our first Christmas spent with friends, laughing over silly gifts and rejoicing at the life we hoped to create together.

Each hazy fall day that we hurdle in front of the heater I can still remeber the chill in my bones from rainy walks outdoors.

I am grateful for every fall day I have spent in the last 16 years, sharing the joy with my very best friend and husband, who has been my constant source of God's love and strength here on this earth.

Hot Showers

2009-11-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

As a kid, I remember, every time I felt sick or emotional my mom would tell me to "take a hot shower". Somehow the shower was supposed to be a magic curative for any and all things.

Still, I took all those showers, and often I did feel better after the near scalding water soothed my tired muscles and teen girl emotions.

I wonder if that is why I still relish my beloved evening showers? So hot I am usualy several shades of red and thirsting for a glass of water when they are over.

With the three of my kids homeschooling I don't really have a lot of "me time" or even a small amount of quiet most days. In the shower I do though. More often than not I still get interrupted by some Lego or remote control ownership crisis, but still, a majority of those steam filled minutes are my very own. I unwind from the day and let my mind drift. I can talk to God or plan a grocery, writing it on the steamed up shower door. I can have the fights I'll never have in reality. I can day dream about what Eden might be doing now. I can cry loud and bitter tears.

In the shower I escape to a place that is wholly my own. It is the best therapy I have ever had...and the best medicine. Who knew my mom was right all those years?

Good Friends

2009-11-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

When it comes to things to be grateful for I have no shortage...God, family, friends, food, shelter, hope, peace... That's a whole week right there.

Today I was reminded in so many ways of the good and amazing friends I have, and how they come along in their own unique ways and add so much to my life. The lives of my family. How they add strength, support, encouragement, laughter, and joy to my life.

I mentioned the car yesterday. I have a newish van, just a hair over 3 years old. I love it so much it surprises me. It's the only real luxury we have...and it's not even top of the line.

Yesterday with the whole family in tow I turned the key in a Smart and Final parkinglot and got...nothing. Well, not nothing...clicks. Dead battery. We were so not prepared for that expense or the detour of the day. My dad came and gave my car a jump and off we went to Sears to replace the battery...what should have taken 20 minutes somehow took over an hour and we were out a nice chunk of change but on our way to fax some letters at a friends.

After being inside for 15 minutes I turned the key again to head home and this time there really was nothing. No click...just dead.

Another jump and we made it home with the burden of a very big bill facing us the next day since the warranty on our van had just barely expired.

There was so much to be grateful for in that whole expirience though...a wonderful husband with whom I laughed and chatted in some rare stolen moments, friends willing to and able to help get us home safe, peace in knowing it would be a finacial hit but wouldn't break us...

So on to today and why I chose to highlight good friends.

I never had to wonder today if I'd be able to juggle the kids and the car. I knew I had somene willing to jump in and save me, even if that someone wasn't thrilled about babysitting I knew their love for me and my family would be enough. I didn't have to struggle for words to say or the strength to say them when I arived at the dealership to make a case for warranty coverage... I had friends at home offering up prayers for me and the voice of another in my ears who had walked me through the right words.

I had encouraging texts and messages reminding me that God himself was in control.

Who isn't blessed by a network like that?

Later in the day when all was well, when the many hundreds of dollars of repairs I anticipated were nothing more than a tiny and free piece of metal, I even had people to rejoice with, pehaps the best gift of all.

2009-11-01T23:42:00.001-08:00

Remember when I said that I get sick everytime I do a "month of blogging"? Well, after last months epic Blogtober fail, I was really excited to spend the month of November focusing on gratitude and my many blessings. I debated posting last night for my 1st day's entry...yet decided that would be a tease.

Cut to today. Still no illness but the great curse strikes again as several hundred dollars of car repair and several hours of lost time eats most of my excitement for today's post...but I adjusted my attitude and readied myself to share...only to have my computer decide to, for no known reason, refuse to login to blogger!

So with space limited by a text post I will just be grateful for the man who made me laugh through all the stresses of the day.

New Item In the Shop

2009-10-13T20:46:00.001-07:00

In order to celebrate my daughter's birthday, I finally made myself the bracelet I have been planning for months. I love it.

Even my husband said he wished it wasn't just a "girlie" think because he loves it so much. The photo's don't do it justice...is that vain? Because really it is so pretty. If it had been a gift I would have cried upon opening it.

I am now offering these same types of "Memory Bracelets" in my Etsy shop...fully customizable.

Blogtober?

2009-10-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

What is it with me getting ill every time I do a month-long-blog-a-thon? This month I only had to think about it and a cold crept up on me.

It's quiet in the house now, everyone is asleep, and I have a list of 1 million things I should be doing right now, but it seems like so much better an idea to steal a few minutes to write. I don't even have a great philosophical point to make. I just miss being in this place. Writing and hearing from God. Sharing my heart and connecting with...um...anyone who might be reading. I think most of my blog readers might be friends I already know, but I like to imagine that there are a few people who stop by to share a cup of coffee now and again that I might not ever know of. So, this blog is for you I guess. Welcome.

This time of year is so special to me as the air turns colder and christmas smells begin to fill the air. Today I wanted to but every autumn decoration in the craft store. I resisted and didn't buy anything. This is a season that my daughters were born in, that my husband and I met and fell in love in, that baking and sweaters abound. A season for cute boots and good memories.

As much as I say I love summer most, I'm pretty sure I have an affection for autumn that is special and set apart.

Soon it will be popcorn and hot cocoa to celebrate rainy days, and my oven will be going almost non-stop to warm up my house and to feed happy children.

This weather reminds me of one of the best parts of homeschooling my children. They dance in the rain and snuggle under blankets while we talk about numbers and racism in early America...and we laugh. Most days I want to pull my hair out from frustration at some point, but I also have the greatest blessings of being a mom on those same days... the stolen kiss from a boy on the cusp of becoming a young man...the spark of awe that my daughter's eyes still have when she watches me...and the fly-by kisses from a ball of energy that calls himself my 'yiddle boy'. :)

Time is going too fast with these little ones. Before I know it it will always be quiet at night...

Runway Musings

2009-09-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've had this idea of a blog rolling around in my brain for a few months now and it still wont come out right., yet somehow with my dear sweet husband asleep on the couch and crickets chirping outside. The noisy quiet of night and a cool late summer/early autumn breeze blowing through I figured I'd try.

If you read my other blog you will have seen that I took a much unexpected and God ordained trip to to a lovely little town just outside of Toronto this summer. I wont recount what it meant to me here...but I will share a little more of the work God began there that I think He is still working on today.

I don't think I even noticed that He was working on a blessing beyond the obvious of forging a flesh and blood friendship with my dear sisters of the heart, until I boarded the plane that would bring me back to The States. I don't think I even saw the threads of it fully then, I just knew that something in my spirit changed in those four short days. That it was bigger than me. Bigger than my beloved friends.

I think, just maybe, it was a healing that was started. And it started in the strangest way...with a bucket of silent tears shed from a goodbye.

I have blogged about changes and hurts in the last few years that have left me feeling pretty battered and raw. I have blogged through my struggles with altered or changed relationships. I have silently carried some wounds for others that I really couldn't blog about. I have mourned outloud and in silent...and I think, stepping on that plane, sitting in my seat waiting to be delivered home into the arms of my very best friend, my husband, God reached out and took hold of my heart and assured me He noticed. Reminded me that He was about the work of healing, and that my time of rejoicing was on the horizon.

It has bafled me at times that the struggles of the last few years have, at times, seemed more to bear than the death of my sweet Eden...but I think that, somehow, it makes sense. This is more of that journey of faith. To see God when I want to just see suffering. To worship at His merciful feet simply because He is God...and through the surrender of my desires and of my pain and hurts...His blessings flow even sweeter.

I haven't loved every step of this journey but I belive in my heart of hearts that I carry blessings I might never have even seen without it.

2009-06-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

I am texting this post from my phone, in part to test this amazing blogg feature, but also to clear my head in a fleeting and rare spare moment alone.

I am without my much beloved spell check so please forgive me now that my spelling secret is out.

Last week we celebrated the birthday of our first baby, now 11 and on the cusp of becoming a young man. throughout the day I would catch glimpses of him, standing nearly as tall as me. Looking out for his brother, 7 years his junior. Goofing around and laughing with his very best friend, his sister. I would watch him and smile, overwhelmed at the blessing of having been entrusted with this amazing person, of filling his life with the opportunity to know and serve God.

No title

2009-06-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Where to even begin...

I have come to realize what a vital part of my life and my relationship with God sitting at this desk and pouring out my heart through this keyboard really is.

Every time I sit to write I hope that I am submitting something good. Something that goes out and adds to the cyber world. I don't expect it to be profound or life changing...not every post...but I do hope it will be something "for good".

Maybe that is why I have been away so long?

This last season in my life has been a little dry. Circumstances and my attitude towards them have put me in a mood to be less than enthusiastic about writing, or I have been just plain tired.

Through it all though, is the constant that gives my very breath meaning.

My God.

While life has presented many obstacles lately, God remains who He is.

My son asked me about the act of worship the other day, in a way only an innocent and inquisitive child, nearing his teen years, can why we worship God. Pointing out that "Yeah, Jesus died and everything but why do we worship?"

I was reminded again of the awesome blessing of being a parent, being compelled to understand things enough to explain them is just one.

For this question I had the ready answer, the answer that can make this whole journey of faith so uncomfortable for some, but provides freedom beyond measure.

"We worship Him because He is God. He is the creator of every atom and every mountain. We worship Him because he created us and gives us life. We worship Him because He is beyond our imagination. If He never blessed us, if He didn't have relationships with us, if He just sat in heaven...He would be worthy of our worship. But He does bless us, and He does have relationship with us, and He doesn't just sit in heaven...He is intimately involved with us. So that is why we worship."

Over the last few years, as my life circumstances cause me trouble, or heartache, or breed questions I have come to understand that all of that is irrelevant if I trust in who God is. If I am willing to see how much bigger than me and what I comprehend...and if I know in the fiber of my soul and am willing to submit to his ultimate goodness and wisdom...then I can keep moving in this life. In the midst of hurt, suffering, confusion...God is still God and ultimately beyond me and wants more for me than I can ever imagine.

Where did I go?

2009-04-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Has it really been over a month since I posted? That's crazy. I have been posting deals over at my other blog and just kind of left this one to sit.

I guess that's the way life flows sometimes. It's not that I haven't had blog worthy things, I've just been really tired. I wish i could say it was because I was so active or pregnant or something...but the truth is that sometimes things are really hard and I just grow weary.

Most of the weariness culminated in me sitting on the edge of the tub in my bathroom this weekend crying for 20 minutes and not really even knowing why.

That's not entirely true, the tears had sprung up from a phone call with my parents. My kids were having their very first, all three kids, sleepover Saturday with my mom and dad. My dad is not exactly a "kid guy" but my mom really wanted this... and somewhere in him my dad was looking forward to it too. Well, and I will spare you all the gorey details, my dad took the kids on a trail walk and...well... lost the two oldest. They ran ahead, he lost sight, they got turned around. They were separated and lost. My youngest, just 3, was crying for his brother and sister. Thankfully the older kids asked a grown-up they saw outside for help and everything worked out safely.

My dad did the "I was so scared" and lost his temper in a big way, and that has caused more harm to his relationship with the kids than the getting lost part. I think they are all three feeling around to find a way back to what was, even if what was wasn't cuddly it was comfortable for everyone.

So even though I only found out after the fact and the whole event was maybe a half hour, it just opened up all the stuff that has been swirling around and thus the bathroom crying fit.

I am so grateful that God has given me the husband I have because he guided me through my little breakdown and back into the arms of Jesus...with reminders of who God is, and His deep deep love for me, personally.

So with my spiritual glasses firmly in place I have navigated the waters of change and growth much better the last few days.

Just this morning I was able to see how beautifully God moves in trying situations. My mother is ill and has been for a while...she doesn't share all the details or the prognosis with me often but her time with us, if God doesn't intervene, will be cut short and she likely won't see my youngest in his teens. This breaks my heart more than even I realize as I can't take that reality off the shelf and look at it to long.

She has taken to borrowing my kids to help her with her bi-weekly shopping trips. It's an inconvenience and disrupts our school schedule since it's rarely the same day or time, but my kids are making memories with her and she is getting time she needs with them. None of this would be possible if God had not so clearly led me to homeschool the kids.

I doubt this is the only reason, but I cherish it none the less. Knowing God cares so much for each of them that even in this, he's given us a rainbow of hope and peace.

Just a quick announcement...

2009-03-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Since all of my friends are always supportive of my efforts...and since my shop thrives on word of mouth... I wanted to let everyone know I updated my etsy shop with lots of wonderful new products today (and have more coming in the next week!)

I am so excited about the new goodies...

dreamsofeden.etsy.com

and a special thanks to Stacee Lianna for all the amazing pictures!

No cool picture...

2009-02-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, the pain has passed but I still can not hear out of my right ear. I alternate between wanting to just wait it out, feeling sort of crazy because everything is a struggle to hear and I can't quite triangulate where the phone might be when it rings, and being a little concerned something might be wrong.

I have so many things I want to write about, even a few notes I actually jotted down in the silence.

But tonight I'm just gonna be real and honest and exposed. Well, as exposed as I can be.

I have a lot of really big stuff going on in my heart, in my head, and in my world. And I am struggling to make sense of it all, let God have dominion over it all, and allowing God to move in me. Changing my world view to match His.

Anyone who's ever been to church more than a handful of times has probably heard of, or heard preached, 1 Corinthians 13...The Love Chapter.

¹ If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Even typing it out here makes me want to groan with all the frustration in me. In every way I want to be someone who shows the love that God has shown me. Pure, Redeeming, Unwavering.

I want to give a love that comes without strings. I want desperately to endure, hope, and persevere.

I just don't always know how. How do you keep from being a doormat and chasing after relationships that don't exist on both sides...and still demonstrate this kind of love?

When your head steps in and reminds you to guard your heart?

Even now, as I type these words and come before My Great God, I am reminded that these issues are not new... they go as far back as Philipi.

^{Philippians 4
2} Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. ³ And I ask you, my true partner,to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. They worked along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are written in the Book of Life.

⁴ Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! ⁵ Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And still I don't know how this looks. What does this scripture look like with legs and a heart? Yet my heart is heavy at knowing it doesn't look like me.

I want to reflect these words, but I don't know how.

So I am here, crying out to God and admitting my own weakness and folly at knowing I am not reflecting him, yet wanting to with all that I am.

Please God, show me to love how you would love...

Delay...

2009-02-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Blogruary fun is temporarily on hold until the searing pain from a rather serious (feeling) ear infection abates...

Bullrides, birthdays, and my baby boy

2009-02-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight, sitting around a table of friends, laughing and sharing in birthday celebration, I couldn't help but reflect on the stark contrast of the moments before I left my house.

My son, just on the cusp of middle school, is starting to see some things in people that his tender heart just can't understand. It seems like for most kids the ideas and activities of social manipulation come all too easy, but not my boy.

I remember his struggle to understand how someone could say they weren't friends anymore and not mean it. He believed that at that moment the relationship would be severed.

It seems that he is once again learning the nuances in speech and action of relationship, and while it hurts my heart to see him navigate these waters, and get hurt along the way, I grow increasingly impressed at the young man he is.

I see a boy who would give so much to people around him, who doesn't choose friends based on "coolness" or age or toys...just people he enjoys spending time with, be they older or younger. I see a boy who longs for responsibility and hungers to care for others. A boy who would exhaust himself jumping up and down to bring a giggle to a small baby. Who wonders how he can help a home for children recently homeless, asking if he can give them his beloved stuffed animal.

I remember him anxious to read stories to his younger brother, the one who likes to just lay on him because he's a cozy big brother.

I am ever grateful that God blessed me with the kids he did. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Even on days where I long for just a little more time to myself, and maybe an uninterrupted potty break, I am blessed that it is these three knocking on the door.

Wow...this is hard to do sometimes

2009-02-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had the great privileged of being at a district leadership conference for my church. It was great because it was a conference for women leaders, and there was no watering down what our role in the church could be. Should be.

It took the position of of helpmate and esteemed it.

It looked at the "younger" leaders as invaluable. It gave us all a voice and a calling. A destiny.

Sitting in that place, surrounded by women working to serve Jesus in their churches we were able to meet with a number of missionaries we support. Home missionaries to broken cities and neighborhoods, and missionaries to lands I can't pronounce.

I have never felt called to leave my native country to preach to others. I have always been very fully convinced that God had called my family to stay and live lives that pointed to Christ in our everyday. Wanting desperately to give the gift that I embrace so fully to everyone I know.

And now with a family, a debt, and regular responsibilities that window feels closed... but sitting there I surprised myself by the deep desire I had to go and serve in that way. To pack what we could in a suitcase and head to a land I've never seen and preach.

I can't say God is calling me that way. I can't even say I'd know what to do ar have the stick to it-ness to make that kind of life... but for the first time it seemed like a beautiful, and not overwhelming, option.

I guess today will be a 2fer

2009-02-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day to be crafty. (And yes, I do realize that I am technically not osting on the right day, but being off by a few minutes still counts.)

I'll spare you all the terrific details but lots of exciting things were scored for free today that got my creative juices flowing. As I flipped through my loot with a friend she gave me the push I have so often heard myself give... "Ok, I want you to stop talking about these things and do them, though."

Like a punch in the gut.

I seem to forever be an idea girl and rarely a launch girl. I think that is why I love working with a partner or team. It's all to easy to put my own stuff a step behind.

That can't be me being the woman that God wants me to be, can it? To ignore all these things I am so passionate about.

So I am going to try to take a small step each day towards doing.

It's like a New Month resolution. :)

I should blog during the day

2009-02-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

This morning, out running errands with my kids and realizing that my oldest is now in the largest "boy" size pants. That the next time he rips a hole , or two, in his pants knee, we'll not head to the cheapie kids section but will have to contend with a greater array of style and price

While being grateful that the struggle with my daughter and swimwear is her beautiful standards of modesty that are hard to find in even a child's suit.

This morning as I remarked at how much they had grown and how quickly they change, I was also insanely frustrated by bickering and whining. So frustrated that I drew from my deep well of parenting skills and turned the car radio up loud enough to drown them out.

It was a very sweet relief and I did shortly hear them all quiet down and my daughter started to sing along.

The music filling the car allowed my mind to wander and I began to reflect on the many roads I have been down these last few years. As the music changed to a "getting over you" break up song I giggled as it made me reflect, not on lost loves, but of friendships that have changed or ended. I laughed that good "couple" songs can often fit the special bonds girlfriends develop.

I tried to imagine my husband and one of his friends getting sappy over a song. If you have never met my husband, let me tell you, the image is beyond laughable.

But as I sat there with the music and all my thoughts I was reminded, again, that that intense love and bonding thing we women do, is a very large part of the image of God. The relational part of Him that just wants me to sit with Him and some tea and visit.

He's not always out for my confession or needs, He just wants to know me. to share in my everyday. To sit at my table while I do dishes and reflect on His love and the beauty in the citrus tree outside my window. To feed my hopes and dreams and wild desires. To hold me up on a rough day.

I was honored once again to be able to have the tiniest glimpse on earth of what that perfect relationship will be like in eternity.

I marveled at the amazingness of God to just hang out with me in my car, running errands with cranky kids and my crabby mom self.

Everytime I do a blog a day I get sick

2009-02-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

But it gives me a chance and excuse to post this little gem. If this blog were just 50 words...

Faith in the midst of terror

2009-02-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

In the past two years I have come to know deeply that life holds no guarantees, except that God is who He says He is...and that, if you let Him, He is faithful to show up.

And while it is not the pretty church face to admit it, sometimes knowing that life still can throw great and amazing curve balls scares me to death. Just because I know God will be magnificent doesn't make jumping into the fire a easy.

I also know that my family is not safe from tragedy.

So today when my daughter complained of pain, and I noted swelling, in the area around her underarm lymph node something deep inside me began to panic. I tried to imagine what I would say if her pediatrician had bad news. I wondered how long until we knew anything for certain... my mind just spun.

Instinct had me wanting to reach out to my friends and my support people but the small whisper called out to me instead. In my panic I had to turn to God. I had to commit another daughter to his hand, to his will. My mind went to the story of Job we had just read this morning, and then to the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that my daughter was watching... was God setting me up to be prepared?

I wish I could say I immediately went to my prayer closet and heard from God...instead I choked on a plea for help and waited. I went about the next few hours in ordinary everyday. I lived in a place of hope. I didn't even default like I tend to do, and start rationalizing the what ifs. I simply said "God, this is what ever you want it to be and you have to be glorified"

The short version is, it is nothing. It is not the worst case, it is not even a lymph node. It looks like a muscle has be strained or hit.

When we were in the car my daughter confessed that she had been afraid she might have cancer. I think that broke me the most. There is something that seems so wrong about an 8 year old thinking she might die...

Please continue to pray for us all, as I think there are many years of emotions and steps of faith we all will continue to wade through.

This parenting thing is tough.

Here we go again

2009-02-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

What does it say about me that blogging has become a vital part of my mental health? It seems that with the quiet of January I was allowed just a little too much time inside my own head... and it really wasn't pretty.

I can't say that blogging is like prayer, exactly, but I find the openness in my writing allows God a different way to speak to me. That He is so good to show up as the thoughts are processing and my fingers are typing away.

Rarely do I sit down with a post already mapped out. Generally I just sit with my thoughts and it allows me to sort through the giant pile.

I do my best to be open, to be transparent, here. I am a very real girl with some very human flaws, but still I want to show the real and authentic me. The me that tries to grow a little everyday.

So here I go again... one month straight of reflection as I continue my pilgrimage here on this earth.

And I am very excited.

I have spent the last three days sitting at the feet of my Abba and, once again, schucking off the shell of what once was and getting new clothes and a new me. I am not yet sure what this means, but I have taken a solid and sure step forward and I refuse to step back. Not by an act of will, but an act of surrender.

I hope to look back with a very clear understanding of some of my recent and current trials. But even if I don't walk away with answers, I know I walk away grown and that will be enough.

I am submitting a larger part of who I am and what I desire to Him.

So feel free to walk with me, or watch me walk. It probably wont be the most beautiful journey but I am hoping the new creation reflects more of her father's image in the end.

Tear

2009-01-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

About two minutes ago I tucked my youngest son into bed and kissed his cheek and as I did a big fat tear hit his perfect cheek.

So much emotion in that tear.

I just returned from the hospital visiting my friends' newborn Son, just hours old. I held him and rocked him. Wrapping him in love and smiles. Breaking just a little when his mother asked if I was doing okay.

I was. I really was.

I had prayed for and rejoiced at the news of this little one. I had anxiously carried my cellphone into bed each night waiting for news. Yet holding him, cooing at him and looking into his adorable face was still a reminder of what I had missed the last 15 months.

As I held him I was so grateful for his sweet little life and overjoyed to see what changes he would bring in his parents. I remembered that couple who left the hospital after the birth of my first, was not the couple who had come in.

Mom and dad both bore that exhaustion and pride that come with the magic of holding your little one in your arms for the first time.

I am so grateful that my heart is not calloused with my deep pain, that it still opens so easily to this new little one. I was slightly afraid the emotions would be a bit too much, or too bitter. But holding that precious little one was enough to salve an open wound.

Then I came home to my own little one, hardly little anymore, awakened by hunger since he had slept through dinner. I reveled in the silence and a chance to hold him and smile at him. To nuzzle into his neck and make him giggle.

Then as I tucked him back into his bed I saw a glimpse of the baby he once was and my heart swelled to fill the painful parts in my soul.

Welcome to the world Caden, and thanks for sharing him with me Nate and Hattie :)

Using My Voice

2009-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Sanctity of Human Life Week is coming. A time to stand up and be heard about the inherent value in all human beings. A brief moment set aside to, not just decry abortion, but to speak to the value of the life contained in the womb.

I remember the first time I heard about abortion and being horrified at the mere idea of it. I remember joining a protest on the whim. Just a child, not much older than my oldest son. I also remember that it sent a lighting bolt in my home. My mother not at all pleased that I would take a stand on an issue I couldn't fully understand.

She was right, I didn't understand it all. I didn't understand what would drive a woman to make such a choice, I saw a selfish desire to just "do away" with a mistake.

As I grew into adulthood and saw a more human face on abortion, my view didn't change much. The slogan "Abortion stops a beating heart" always rang in my ears. My heart broke for the desperation some women, some girls, felt when choosing to end the life of their unborn.

I listened as semantics were juggled and words like tissue, fetus, potential for life were used. I tried to understand the idea of a starting point for humanness... but still I saw the pictures I had seen as a young girl of discarded babies and brain couldn't understand how this choice would be good for anyone.

Then on May 17 2007 I was told that the baby I was carrying would die. I was encouraged to abort and everything I knew and believed and felt changed. I struggled through the idea that I may end a pregnancy of a baby not destined to live.

Once again though, I saw the pictures of those discarded babies and couldn't bring myself to make that choice.

In making that choice I discovered that my mother had been right all those years ago. That there was much to this debate I couldn't fully understand.

I also realized how sacred life really was. Eden, my baby girl, did die just 36 hours after her birth, but in those 36 hours I saw her fully realized humanness. That even as one profoundly damaged, her worth was immeasurable. Being her mother changed me in so many ways, changes I welcome and embrace. Eden's life changed many people and pointed to a God beyond description. Eden's short life, lived outside of my womb for such a brief instant, was a life filled with purpose and rejoicing. And I life that still effects people today.

The obligatory New Year's Resolution post

2009-01-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

With my husband home for a few weeks, Christmas revelry, and a wicked cold I never took the time to welcome in the New Year in blog fashion.

I have looked over the blogs of friends and friends of friends. I have read and been encouraged by their hopes and plans for personal changes in 2009. I have looked back, also, at this last year and where I have traveled with God, my friends, my family and myself.

Truth is I wasn't insanely pleased with how my year closed out. There was a lot of blessing and joy, but the end was just...not. I had to look and reflect on where I stumbled as well as what I had no control over.

Looking at the parts where I fell, or wallowed, was not easy and still leaves kind of a bitter taste in my mouth, but makes me even more grateful to a forgiving and merciful God who takes the confession and washes the ugly away.

I have never really been a Resolution type, mostly because the first of January never feels much like a new start. I have lived on an academic calender for my entire life, no the time of great goal setting and personal changes tends to happen for me in late August.

But today, flipping through a magazine and reflecting on the apparent crossroad set before me, I was suddenly inspired to make my list.

I am not going to vow to loose the last 40 lbs, or to be a better person, or to read my bible more... Not because these aren't worthy goals. Not because they aren't good things that should be done, that I hope to do.

This year I am going to put just one thing on my list... I am going to allow God to show me something huge. Something so far beyond my reach and imagination it would be fully impossible without Him... and I'm going to allow Him to move and make it happen.

Hows that for a list?

Celebrating Life

2008-12-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today Is a very special and important day.

Today is the first birthday of Nathan Paul Krueger Wiebe. One year ago today his parents held him in their arms for the first...and last time.

I have loved Nathan through knowing and sharing a special kinship with his mother and I have been greatly touched by his life.

I have no idea what heaven is actually like but I imagine these two, born so close together, have each other to play and laugh with. To worship God with.

I know Nathan is happy on this day, that he rests in the full presence of his savior... but I know his family has a deep ache that will not be soothed until they, too, stand before God, and hold Nathan in their arms again.

Now I want a Latte

2008-12-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

The problem with reading about 20 blogs an a regular basis is that you are way more likely to get tagged that way...so I guess I'll play along. :)

1) Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
It disturbs me how many people in my world are anti-Egg Nog. I remember my first Egg Nog Latte of the season this year, and thinking it tasted like Christmas in a cup.

2) Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
My favorite part of any present any time of the year is opening it. I can't imagine not wrapping gifts.

3) Colored lights or white?
I am a white light girl. But a few years back I put a string of colored "pearl" lights on the tree too. It was so pretty. Like light up decorations.

4) Do you hang mistletoe?
There are way to many people in this house to hang sprigs of poison around. Plus I get all the kisses I need.

5) When do you get out your decorations?
Usually the day after Thanksgiving...but this year, since I was out the door by 4:30am, there was a delay.

6) Favorite holiday dish, excluding dessert?
This is tough. I'm really a dessert girl. But if we are talking Christmas then it's gotta be the HoneyBaked ham....mmmmm.

7) Favorite holiday memory as a child?
Ok, I can really only clearly remember one specific time...but in general my mother's ability to fool me into thinking the big gift under the tree was for my dad...and not me...year after year.

But my most favorite holiday memories are of my kids...especially the year daughter got a Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch and screamed when she opened it.

8) When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
That he exists and is amazing?

9) Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
I love opening one gift on Christmas eve but don't think we have in a while because of bedtimes and excitement and all.

10) How do you decorate your trees?
White lights, purple and deep red ornaments, and lots of keepsake and kid made ornaments.

11) Snow, love it or hate it?
I love that we can go visit the snow and then come home...in the same day!

12) Can you ice skate?
I can. I love it. There is an outdoor skating rink this year. In Southern California! I can't wait to go.

13) Do you remember your favorite gift?
Ummm... I think it was my ring last year. It's one I've wanted for years and years and it says, in Hebrew, "I am my beloveds and He is mine"

14) What is the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Jesus is the obvious answer. But it is even deeper to me now...the idea that this beautiful and perfect baby boy is celebrated because at just 33 years old he would die such a brutal death in order to free me from sin. I connect to the message more as I get older.

15) Favorite Holiday dessert?
I love ALL dessert.

16) Favorite Christmas tradition?
I love the tradition of how we spend our break, so much family time.

17) What tops your tree?
There is an angel that resembles our first one, last year we had a star but this year that star has moved lower and our angel is back.

18) What's better giving or receiving?
Everyone says giving. I do agree. I love to get a gift as much as anyone but I love to get a good gift for someone I love.

19) Favorite Christmas song?
Celebrate the Day by Relient K. I cry every.single.time.

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

20) Candy Canes, yummy or yucky?
Yummy! Especially if used to stir Egg Nog or Hot Cocoa

21) What do you want for Christmas?
I won't really get gifts this year and that is just fine. I want to spend time with my good friends and my loving husband. Oh, there are two things I really do want but they aren't gifts in the traditional sense. I want one for my friend Jennie and one for me...

22) Do you attend an annual Christmas Party?
I do. I look forward to our annual church banquet every year.

23) Do you dress up for Christmas eve?
Only if my husband and I manage to get a date in.

24) Do you own a Santa Hat?
Actually no, I do not. My husband has one I think, but not me.

25) Who do you normally spend Christmas with?
My parents and my immediate family.

And now I am supposed to tag someone...or four someones...hmmm...
Krista, Cassi, Hattie, and Shanna

Don't Ya Think?

2008-12-09T20:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the irony God likes to use in my life is almost laughable. Other times it cuts to the quick. And still other times it's just plain confusing...sometimes all at the same time.

Today I read this:

Colosians 3: 5-17

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming. You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

Only to be reminded later of a few times when my talk was not pure in the company I was keeping. It hurt so much to know I had wounded the herat of God *and* my friends. I want to hop in my magic sin remover and go back and undo it. This is what happens when I am not on guard and I have to ask myself, "Am I letting stuff in that I shouldn't be or was it simply a lack of judgement?"

And harder still I have to ask God to shine a light into all the corners and do some housekeeping. I don't always like the housekeeping...finding something long forgotten or allowed to grow in darkness. I don't like to see the ugly parts as they are revealed. It makes me shudder to see those things revealed.

And it doesn't have to be something "big", just not what I want to reveal to My Glorious God. It's humbling and uncomfortable at the least.

Yet, I am so greatful to my Jesus, who just cleans it up with me and looks at me with love and peace and joy, not revulsion or pity. He doesn't change in His love for me... and when the work is through there is cleanliness where the dirt was. It shines like a freshly cleaned sink, with those little sparkles and all.

And that was just a small part of what God's word spoke directly to my heart today.

It seemed that every line, every word, was for me. Even the ones I am not sure how to apply... I know I was meant to read them today. To etch them on my heart. To adjust my thoughts and patterns to His. That as each step before me is revealed to be ready to take them.

Stuck

2008-12-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

Throughout my married life, probably because I have been married my entire adult life, I have at various times come to a place where I could feel some new shift just over the horizon. Something changing inside me, some new stage in my life.

I can feel it happening again and, to be honest, I hate the feeling. It's anxiety inducing in nearly every way. Sometimes I feel that I could weep uncontrollably and my fight or flight reflex screams "Run! Move! Do Something! Anything!" and yet, with some practice I have become able to hear God as He says, quietly, in a whisper, "Just wait. Just relax and let me lead you. Be aware and watch, but wait."

Wait for what? I just can't even guess.

In the past what I have done is leap into searching and grasping for the answer. I never find it. It comes, but I think I miss a lot of what God wants me to learn or some of the beauty of the ride. I miss the traces of His hand moving.

So here I am. Sitting and waiting. Crawling out of my skin...but still waiting.

Thanksgiving, Sick Husband, and Whatever Else Spills Out...

2008-11-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

I thought about a thankfulness post on Thanksgiving day, because there are so many people and things, and experiences I am thankful for. Even the people, things, experiences that have hurt and left permanent marks on my soul.

I make a choice everyday to serve and love God when my circumstances seem bleak, because I want God to be made strong in my weaknesses... I think weaknesses make God excited to really show off His strength and glory.

I feel like the biggest thing I have learned over this past year is that my relationship with God isn't about what He can do for me, but what He can do with me.

And for knowing that on a level that has made it part of who I am, I am grateful the most.

I am also filled with thankfulness as this holiday season kicks into full swing. I look forward to this season with much the same excitement as my three children, the youngest needs merely see a Christmas ball in the package and a smile breaks across his face.

The decorations are late in getting up this year as we were all sick in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, and now my husband is struck with a lovely case of food poisoning.

But I know in the weeks to come as we pull out the tree, and dust off the ornaments... place each Nativity in the bookcases and on the furniture that there will be a deeper joy that fills my heart. A joy for my savior and how He works in ways I can not see.

A few extra bucks for Christmas...or anytime really

2008-11-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

Recently I posted about Ebates on Myspace :

"It's basically just a portal for online retailers like amazon, target, barnes and nobel...pretty much anyplace I might shop online...So the deal is that I get cash back when I do my regular shopping...I like cash back.It makes me happy :)I also get referral bonuses if my friends and family sign-up and shop ...Also, you get a 10 gift card when you sign up... you chose between amazon, sephora, target and some others.So check it out and see if your interested."

With things tightening up with the economy and my family being a one income family I have really been interested in how to make every penny stretch. I don't need a lot of stuff, God provides quite nicely, but it's always nice to have some wiggle room too. God is being very generous in showing me these too and I really enjoy showing them to others too!

Someone teased me after I posted about Ebates that I was just in it to get my referals, and while I don't deny that referals rock, I want to share the wealth too!

I also just found out about Swagbucks...which is a way to earn giftcards just for websearches.

I have my own special referal link to both swagbucks and ebates in my sidebar, check them out and sign-up if you are interested.

Also watch my twitter on the sidebar for fun freebies as I find them.

All my friends blog

2008-11-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

“Among female students only, those who scored highly on neuroticism (i.e. anxious, insecure characters) were more likely to blog. This is consistent with work on internet usage that also found an association with neurotic personality types, but only among women.”
( The British Psychological Society: Research Digest Blog)

I'm just saying...

I always wanted to be a tagger

2008-11-08T15:49:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Maggie, and since we are layout twins, I'm gonna play...

The rules are that when you are tagged you have to share 7 things about yourself and then tag 7 other people...

I'm not sure I have seven interesting things I haven't shared...

1. I think I decided last night to start a new business and I'm super excited. I have always had an entrepreneurial spirit and with finances being so tight now seems like a really good time. Once I get things off the ground then I will share a lot more of it.

2. I have had my eyeballs removed from my head...twice. When I was little I was born cross-eyed and had surgery to correct it around age two. That made it worse and so I had a second surgery around age 5. That surgery went really well but when I am sleepy my mother and husband can see one eye drift a little.

3. I hate saying "I didn't finish college". Last night I was talking to one of my husband's colleges and his fiancee and I mentioned it and it just sounded so profane and made me feel small. It's not that I regret my choices about school but when you are talking to someone who just finished their MBA it's hard to quantify the value of making choices that are a little less mainstream. How do you say in a brief conversation that the pull to be a mother overshadowed any degree?

4. I use oil to wash my face. It's the only product I have ever loved and it makes my skin feel amazing. When I tell people about it they look at me with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. I can explain the logic of not creating a vicious oil overproduction cycle, but even when when people are curious they are often afraid to take the step.

5. One of my biggest...not regrets...but opportunity that I missed that I am sad about, is that I will never have a home birth. Being at home is the safest place for most women to birth, and I think if I had been home with my oldest son's birth I might never have needed the three cesareans I've had.

6. Up until a month ago I was super intimidated by the deli counter in the supermarket and since I didn't know how to use it I never did. Now I have figured out that it shouldn't be intimidating and it's saving me tons of time and money.

7. I was on several episodes of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I was an extra for a while in 1994 and ended up on that show a lot. the pay was alright and it was pretty interesting but not a suitable way to make a living.

Yay...I did it... now to tag 7 people not tagged by Maggie?

Krista, Cassi, Rachel, Kevin, Candice, Brittany and Finding Normal...yay! I did it!

Well, it's not Blogtober anymore

2008-11-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

With my desktop dying, and my life taking a sudden turn over the last week Blogtober got left in the dust. I want to try again but no months work well with Blog in the Name, except maybe Bloguary... so I think I'll try again then.

I was most looking forward to posting a little bit about my banners on the 31st... but what's to say today isn't good enough?

September 29th:Those beautiful fall leaves were actually shot last January, in the mountains of Big Bear.

September 30th: Body wash and dishsoap acquired for about $3.00.

October 1st: A nice shot of a carafe of Espresso and my half finished cup of Iced White Chocolate Mocha. This is quickly becoming a Wednesday Night tradition... not only is it super yummy, it reminds me to pray for, and thank God for my good friend Sarah off following God wherever He may lead her. I am slightly jealous of her adventure, and highly honored to be able to be someone with whom she shares this part of her life.

October 2nd: I have this dream that I will get a tattoo to commemorate Eden's life and her great blessing to me. It would feel amazing to have something so permanent and visible, for a baby that few got to hold and meet, and who's time on this earth was barely a whisper. While I play with the idea I hennaed it. I loved that tattoo. It made me feel connected to my daughter in a new and unique way. So on a day where I wrote about birth I chose a picture that celebrated Eden.

October 3rd: My eyes, the windows to my soul. I have changed a lot over the last few years and I can see it most clearly in my eyes.

October 4th:The funniest part of this photo and blog are that they were posted within about two hours of discovering I was pregnant yet again. The photo is My husband's fajitas plate from our family lunch that afternoon.

October 5th: In realizing so many of my relationships are changing and evolving to the point of extinction, it becomes ever more obvious that God did something amazing when He put my husband and I together. So the photo of our feet on the green grass of Dodger Stadium just seemed obvious.

October 6th: The streetlights just around the corner from the awesome home in which I am blessed to be with my kids, all day. everyday.

October 7th: My daughter's beaded string things, made for my friends before a girls' night.

October 8th: Tis is an amazing tray of cookies from our annual women's retreat and while I can't get into why this was the shot of the day...it was perfect.

October 9th: This locket was $5.60 and one of my most treasured possessions because inside are the photos of all four of my wonderful kids. It hangs near my heart an my daughter likes to put kisses inside. I also put cherished memories of nights filled with laughter inside.

October 10th: On the eve of her 8th birthday I could look into those eyes and see a depth uncommon for girls her age.

October 11th: Too Busy celebrating!

October 12th: Ice cream for breakfast.

October 13th: I wanted to put a picture of my sweet eden here, but I never took any. Every photo of her that exists was taken by someone else... so I opted for the surprise flowers left on my doorstep.

October 14th: Candles and flowers we keep to remember our daughter

October15th: On a warn autumn day i think of the beach, where Eden's ashes were scattered and here is a photo of the shore.

October 16th: The great big crash...

October 17th: I try to press on with a picture of my youngest son and the computer he has that works better than mine.

October 20th: I struggle to write the words, my youngest writes on himself.

October 21st: A boy and his math.

We still can

2008-11-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to write a "Post Election "post. I just kind of wanted to let the day pass and be grateful the election was over and mourn the choices that we made as a country... but I have been reading the post election blogs and now I can't seem to keep myself silent.

I voted for McCain. I really truly think Obama is not the best choice for our country. I can't say I was head over heals for the republican ticket, I had questions there too...but Obama inspires something like dread in my spirit.

That said, Barak Obama is now the president elect of, what I believe to be, one of the greatest nations on earth.

I now have a responsibility to not only grudgingly accept his position, but to support him with prayer and action where I can.

I can not claim to know what his standing is with God, but I can pray every single day that he will come to know Jesus in a new, amazing, and intimate way. That he will lead the country with strength, dignity, and morality.

I would love to see President Elect Obama become a leader I am proud of. To see him become more than I ever imagined he could or would be when I inked my ballot yesterday.

I refuse to accept yesterday as the end of everything. I refuse to give over my country to fear and defeat.

Just this once, I am going to hope and pray to be proven wrong in what I believed yesterday.

In Memory

2008-10-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my children will attend their first real funeral. The funeral of a wonderful woman that I am so sad to see leave this earth but for whose transition into heaven I envy.

I first met Belia, a little over 14 years ago. The mother of a new friend. I had no idea that she would become such an inspiration and support.

Through my friendship with both of her daughters, I was included in several family functions and celebrations. Always loud and boisterous affairs with kids running about I often felt like I was in another world, it was so unlike my childhood or family gatherings. There was a deep love that ran throughout every relationship and it brought something alive in me I hadn't ever known.

My relationship with this special family began at the beginning of my own marriage. The start of my own family.

As I grew to know Belia, and her children, and grand children God birthed a desire in me for events like these. For houses so full of people, and laughter, and joy that it feels like a Christmas movie. I looked at Belia as this great matriarch and thought "I want that." To have my children and grandchildren surround me. To be able to share my relationship with the Lord with each one. To raise children who invite their friends into their family.

It is in no small part, due to these relationships, that my husband and I chose to go beyond the typical two child family. I want my adult children to have a huge family to draw support and love from even after I am gone. I want them to have what I didn't have as an only child.

So tomorrow I will weep with a family I am so enamored of, for their great loss, and mine. I will also rejoice that she is with Jesus and my little Eden.

No banner

2008-10-23T19:51:00.001-07:00

At 11:42 pm last night, in the parking lot of in n out, while I was munching on the last of the fries I managed not to drop on the floor, my friend informs me of the multiple ways I can cheat the time on my blog and thus still make my midnight deadline.

I decided to just stick with the truth and let Blogtober suffer. That's two down. Whoops.

I am so excited to, once again, be in the midst of a potentially, if I let it be, life changing Beth Moore biblestudy. Having my faith stretched, pulled, and reshaped everyday.

I feel like, as so often is the case in my spiritual life, that this study comes at the hight of a realization God has been speaking to me for over a year. I know God and I love Him. I trust Him and know He is powerful but I have no idea how limitless and creative He is. How He can choose to work in me if I am fully open to His creative hand.

At the same time I am reading another book, fiction of all things, but based on a true encounter with God that defines the deity and humanness of Jesus in such a simple yet overwhelming way.

When Jesus walked on earth he was fully human. Fully. All of the miraculous power He displayed was not a mark of his Godness but of His communion with God. That He walked so close and so personally and so in tune with God that power flowed through him like an open sea. He was so fully available he heard every whisper and grasped every inkling of God's will and desire.

He trusted God so fully and so desperately desired to share Him with all that is own suffering and pain were of little concern. He embraced the torture of the cross with eyes wide open, giving a great gift to all mankind.

It stuns me to look at Jesus this way. Stuns me because I know that is all available for me too. That I could know Him like that. that I could stand so fully confident that I would be able to turn water into wine if that is what God needed of me. That I could be so fully in tune with God that His power could dwell so fully in me that a mere touch would bring out the healing power of the creator of the universe.

I am tearing down the boxes I have tried to put God in...even the ones that I thought were too vast to limit Him.

Can you Use Your Make-up to Make Him Green?

2008-10-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those special days when I look at my kids and realize that they are better human beings than I could ever have hopped to be.

My son was sitting at the kitchen table drawing endless super heroes and, while asking which one is my favorite I preferred. Soon we stumbled onto the idea of Halloween and ideal costumes. Now let me just say that I love a good costume and I grew up with some amazing ones, and the costumes now are even better!

So here we are, and my sweet boy is telling me about the different variations of clones and that he still wishes he could be a bad guy but that he gets it...and I have to drop a bomb that I just want to...a bomb that broke my heart.

"Sweetie I just don't know if we can really afford that one. And didn't you kinda have an Anakin costume last year?"

And my amazing little guy thinks for a few minutes and says "Yeah, I really like that one. I guess it would be cool if I just wore it again" and then switches into how we can accomplish a suitable costume for his little brother, offering up one of his favorite shirts and rushing to try it on his brother.

I was just so pleased that he was able to look past his slight disappointment to find utter joy in making his brother happy.

I know I wouldn't have done that when I was 10.

Just before bedtime

2008-10-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

So, I have finally figured out how to get my laptop to limp along. After all the computer chaos and then the missed day I feel like I need to start all over. Not because I failed at my goal, but I really lost momentum.

Yesterday I had every intention of writing but I got sidetracked by a "quick" conversation with a friend that lasted until just after midnight. It was the best kind of distraction. It wasn't just a visit and there were no tears, but it was a conversation where two friends got a chance to really share their lives with one and other.

I am so grateful for all of the amazing women, and "girls" in my life. Friends that I not only get a chance to speak into their lives but have them speak into mine. Forming the deep sisterly bonds that girlfriends can.

When my physical me needs a reminder of God's deep love for me it is always through relationships that He is revealed.

The excitement of the new ones and the older, broken in ones that feel like those most comfortable jeans.

So while it threw off my grove, and I lost a day in blogtober... I was so grateful for the conversation.

Still the Computers and I Fight...

2008-10-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

And I can't access my pictures or anything fun...

I have been sitting on the floor looking through my CVS add and playing with all my coupons putting together deals for tomorrow and it frightens me how excited I get thinking about the fun and exciting freebies that I am hoping to get this week.

My husband just laughs at my little game and chooses to be glad that it doesn't cost us anything extra.

Even still I have to keep myself in check, not allowing the thrill of the deal to become a distraction in my life. I know I have done that before, gotten sidetracked with all of my planning and stopped asking God to lead, when it comes to finances.

So, as silly as it seems, I sometimes have to take a chance to make sure I am submitting even this, to God. That I am not relying on a deal or getting greedy.

I am grateful that God would think enough of my everything to care about even this area of my life.

Standing up

2008-10-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

At the end of a long, yet nice day, I really enjoy sitting at my desk and clearing my mind, waiting for God to speak while I blog. I love the ritual of it. My life doesn't have a lot of ritual, but this is one of my favorites...

So now here I am and it's hard to connect to it as I lay on my couch with my laptop. It's just not the same. But, change can be good even if you never learn to like it so I am going to dive in again today and wait for God to meet me again.

Sometimes I feel like refinement just hurts, or can't God give it a rest already, and then days like today happen. I look at days like today in comparison to where my heart was only a month ago and I can actually see Him changing me. I can myself reflecting more of who He wants me to be and I beam. Like a child who see's the mark on a growth chart that is just a bit above where it once was.

Where I had a chance to be hurt I chose to hurt for someone else and to continue to see my value to God. Where I stand a little straighter and the pride is not human but in knowing my inherent value, even if God and I are the only ones who see it...it's an amazing place to be.

I have spent so many years second guessing and wondering if I had any value, constantly pricked and bleeding when I was told of it was hinted that my value was less...so to finally see evidence of myself standing in tis place was wonderful.

My Heros Ability is Disabling Electronics

2008-10-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

My desktop is down and my laptop is...well...sad. So blogtober is temporarily interrupted. :( I hope to be back tomorrow.

241 days till summer

2008-10-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days that makes me long for summer. For long, warm, lazy days. For barbecues and beach days.

The weather is not crisp like autumn today, it's warm and the pool looks inviting. And it seems far too long since my family has had time to just lounge.

So here I am, longing for swimsuits and knowing Christmas is just around the corner.

October 15th

2008-10-14T20:29:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day that I once knew nothing about and even if I had I wouldn’t have really paid attention.

One of the things I realized in the last few years is that, especially in western culture, we are so silent about death, about grief, and especially so about the grief of lost babies. It’s one of those things that people fear to talk about and so often just don’t acknowledge.

I have been blessed beyond measure that my sweet Eden has been celebrated and talked about and cried over openly. She is not a secret we just never mention. Her photograph hangs on my wall with her brothers and sister and doesn’t cause anyone to wince or become uncomfortable. I think it would actually make my friends and guests more uncomfortable if her picture wasn’t there.

So tomorrow I will light my candle in remembrance of some very special little people whom are greatly missed here on earth. Eden, Nathan, The Twins, Krista’s babies, The Triplets and so many more…

First Birthday

2008-10-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today there is a sense that there is great expectation about something amazing and heartbreaking...

In reality I have shed several happy tears today. Been frustrated by some people. And had a lovely surprise on my doorstep early this morning...

Last week I received a card from The March Of Dimes because a good friend donated in my Beautiful Daughter's name. Standing at the mailbox I wept happy tears that, even a year later, Eden's life mattered to people who never got a chance to know her. That loving her didn't require actually meeting her. That a short little life could impact and change people.

Mostly I am just happy when she is remembered. Not as a sad footnote, but as a little girl who was celebrated.

Being Eden's mother has changed me in ways I never could have imagined and I am hardly the same person I was a year ago, and I scarcely recognize who I was two years ago.

This past year has been filled with a pain deeper than any I ever believed I could endure. I have watched my children and my husband weep from so deeply I thought they might never stop, I have wondered if I would ever cease to ache.

But in the midst of all of that God has revealed himself to me new, nearly everyday.

I don't know if I will ever understand why God denied the pleas of so many of His children. Why standing and silently saying no fit His plan better. And I believe I will always wonder about that... but still, I know that God is who He says He is. That His plan is perfect and that I have seen what true peace is. That I have lived it, felt it, breathed it.

The enemy has come many times to whisper in my ear about an impotent or uncaring God. He has poured salt in the deep wounds of my grief. He has attempted to shake me free of my faith many times.

And when he has, I have found renewed strength and renewed faith in the utter holiness of Eden's final breath. I can scarcely look back at that time without seeing all of heaven weeping as I handed my daughter into her Father's arms.

I have been through even more trials since I had to submit to the will of God and love Him while his actions hurt. I am in the midst of one even still. But when Satan tries to tempt me into depression and resignation I am empowered in my faith by remembering 36 holy hours that He gave me with my little one.

36 hours in which my baby girl cooed, cried, peed on so many nurses and guests, and proved her full humanness by getting cranky when she was unswaddled or cold. 36 hours in which I got to cuddle and love her. 36 hours that are so removed from everyday that they are almost like a dream, though they are forever etched in my memory.

So today is not a sad day. Today is a day I rejoice that God chose me. Trusted me with a difficult choice.

Today I remember her beautiful bowed lips and her feisty attitude, and celebrate the first birthday of my precious Eden.

I love you sweet girl. My arms ache for you everyday but my heart is happy to have gotten to love you!

Ice Cream for Breakfast is a beautiful thing

2008-10-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday started like any other day, except it wasn't. Yesterday was my dear baby girls 8th birthday so the day started with a bit of magic to it.

There were no big parties or giant plans, just a plan to enjoy our family and celebrate the gift of this little girl turning young lady.

And it couldn't have started any better than the email I received from one of her church teachers...

"I know that you know your little girl more than anyone else but I just have to say that she is special! She has a heart for the Lord. There's more going on here than just a 'smart little girl'."

I always wonder with this one, she has a certain maturity to her that I fear leaves her a little more open to becoming jaded towards the things of God. I can see her storing hurts and disappointments in her heart that could prevent deep roots from forming. She was who I worried about most when God did not heal her baby sister. I feared she would be angry and not understand God's denial of our plea for healing.

I am a grown-up and it's still sometimes hard for me.

I have seen though, in this past year, she has turned her tender heart more towards Him. She has, in her way, sought more of Him.

When she prays she expects God to move mountains, and my faith increases as hers grows.

Even in the ER waiting on the doctor to come and seal the small gash in her forehead, she told me after we prayed, that she could feel God holding her hand.

This must be what they mean by childlike faith.

Nothing to see here folks, nothing to see.

2008-10-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

I have a really remarkable and interesting post for the great day that was my daughter's birthday today... but with the exhaustion that sets in after rushing to the ER for a bloody head wound I just can't do it now.

Everyone is ok. The hospital was great. But I need a nap....goodnight.

She's Got Her Mama's Eyes

2008-10-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Some days I see a gimps of the relationship I'll have with my darling daughter when she grows up. I see glimpses of the two laughing and talking over coffee or while getting our nails done. I see us talking about the important and the ridiculous. I see myself weeping over her babies when I hold them for the first time and falling in love with the young man of God who will win her heart.

I see some of this in the midst of the daily battles over things both small and great. Over acts of will and acts of defiance and the moments of sheer joy that punctuate our days.

Tonight I kissed her goodnight on the eve of her birthday realizing that these past 8 years have gone by in a mere blink and I only have so many days left to help mold her little heart and guide her into a real and deep relationship with Her Savior.

I saw her sly smile and I thanked God so much for the gift He gave me those 8 years ago. And, once again I sat, slightly awed that He sees me as capable of guiding her wild and beautiful spirit.

Just help me show her how real you are Lord and how in love with her you are!

Missed one giggle

2008-10-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when my husband is home and my children are giggling it's just best if I don't ask questions. Dad's seem to find the most bizarre and, occasionally terrifying idea of fun.

Today though I couldn't help but step into the hall to investigate when I saw my oldest son streak by with a bottle of barbecue sauce. It's not so much that I wanted to know. More that I couldn't not know. What on earth could be happening in a hallway, with a condiment and all those giggles?

As I rounded the corner I couldn't hepl but let out a laugh myself. All my kids in a pile being tickled by Dad, unable to contain even a molecule of excitement and glee.

Apparently it wad dinner time and Daddy was having kid ribs, tickled to perfection. When he joked they should have sauce, my ever litteral 10 year old grabbed the bottle. Thank heavens it was new and yet unopened.

Soon there were little ones and not so little ones dog piling me and bringing me into the fray. And I though once again how different my life looked than I once imagined. How God had turned the dreams I spent so many years invested in, into something totally different. How He had brought me from a place where I never dreamed of even considering marriage an option until I was at least 30, where I had a firm limit of two kids at most, and certainly not before I hit 35, where I wasn't going to give up my identity for any man...to this.

Wife at 18, and birthing four beautiful and amazing children by the age of 33.

And my identity, not given up for a man, but created new and amazing in the light of the Son of Man.

I am so glad, so grateful that His plans do not always match our own. Even when His plans leave me a little baffled and confused. Even hurting a little.

I have found over and over again that when God promised me "the desires of my heart" (Psalm 37:4) that His intention was the whole Psalm... if I commit my mind to Him, commit to living a life walking and delighting in Him, he turns my heart to desire the great gifts he has for me.

Jesus, continue to mold me into the woman you want me to be that I will be inline to receive and recognize your blessings.

Can i just have a cookie?

2008-10-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's so hard to hear what God wants to say when your heart is bruised and battered. When any number of answers make sense. When, pretty much all of them lead to a little more hurt.
Someday I hope I can openly chronicle all that is happening in my life right now. That I can do it in victory. Right now I know it would hurt the heart of mt Abba to do it so I'll just hold my own hurts and figure out how he wants me to release them.

I can only ask for your prayers that I would see clearly where He is taking me.

Now That I've Got My Little Buddy...

2008-10-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say i am one of those amazing mom's who wakes up at 5am everyday, cheerily bounds out of bed to spend an hour in prayer, before cooking a four course breakfast for my family. But, I'm not.

I squeeze every second of sleep I can, generally waking to some sort of bickering or need to referee my kids, who have already eaten a nice healthy bowl of something akin to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

This morning when I stumbled out of bed I heard giggling and water running. I was slightly afraid but still trying to pretend my day hadn't started. As I was just beginning to muster up the courage to enter the kitchen, water still running, I reminded myself to stay calm. That any damage was likely reversible or replaceable. Before I even made it to the halway, my daughter was beckoning me to "Come See" with a smile spread ear to ear.

When I got to the kitchen I saw why, my two oldest absolutly beamed with pride as they showed me the sink , empty of the dishes I had left overnight and the prunny fingers they had from washing.

As if that wasn't enough to bring about the perfect beginning of the day they sang me the song I had overheard amidst the giggles...

Son: Now that I've got my little buddy
Daughter: Doing dishes is less cruddy
Son: Now that I've got my little buddy
Daughter:All the dishes will be less muddy
Together: Now that we're using teamwork, teamwork
Now that we're using teamwork
The chores will be all done

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

2008-10-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

One of the best parts about being home with my kids is that we find these rare stolen moments that we might have missed between school and seat belts, car seats and snacks.

This morning, sitting bleary eyed at my desk, it was a typical slow Monday...I was heating up something for breakfast waiting for my mind to realize that my body was awake. Sitting curled up in my blanket, the edges fall to the floor to make a quite attractive tent for a three year old. Soon I was distracted by giggles from beneath my chair.

So I got down on the ground and curled up on the floor with my youngest, under the blanket "tent". We just laughed and smiled and talked. I think we spent a full half hour under there and by the time the excitement had finally passed the grin on my face nearly matched his.

I love those moments, even when we spend all day together they can still, sometimes get missed.

So when the tent had lost it's spark, and my blanket had been stolen for another adventure I sat and watched my three amazing kids and thanked God for every blessing He has given me.

And then I realized what that smell was...and got up to change a diaper.

You and Me and Five Bucks

2008-10-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

It is just after 10pm and my sweet baby boy is running around the living room, a full 2 1/2 hours after his bedtime...with no sign of slowing down.

We had a long after noon at his grandmothers house and a hard nap in the car on the hour drive home... so now his internal clock is all wonky.

Before I had children, and especially before I had 4, I never imagined that this would be okay with me. That I would give in to a child who clearly didn't understand what his little body needs.

But here I am.

Is this my ideal? No. The best choice? Probably not.

I am doing what is best for us now with the resources I have available.

I know I am far from the perfect parent and sometimes I'm not even on the same planet as that ideal. But I try. I try everyday to do the best I can and reevaluate when I'm not doing so well...

In short, I am working really hard at being honest with my goals, motivations, and failures.

Isn't that the best any of us can do?

Look at what the truth is and correct where life's not working?

Totally Worth the Heartburn

2008-10-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

In looking through some old rough drafts on my blog and found this in a post that never got finished :

Every single morning that I consent to get out of bed and live my life is a step I take in faith. A step I take in the true hope and belief that my God, my Father, my Abba will meet with me, strengthen me, and carry me. I understand why people throw in the towel after something difficult. Why they let the darkness win. It takes a lot to keep going and the world is rarely ready to slow down and meet my pace. There are days that just staying in bed looks like a pretty good plan. If I did that though, if I just stayed in bed I'd miss everything that matters. So I say to God that I will serve him and honor him by living.

Wow.

It amazes me how quickly and completely life can change in a matter of weeks or months. I remember feeling this. Being overwhelmed by it. Nearly being suffocated by it...

And now? While this day, in and of itself, hasn't really been terrific and has had it's own upsets that led to a pretty decent temper tantrum, I am in a wholly different place.

In embracing what God has to offer, in looking to Him to guide each step or carry me when I just couldn't walk anymore, I have seen more of Him. Of His beauty, grace, and strength.

I have seen the gift of friendships, old and new.Of helping lead someone nearer a relationship with God. Of living my faith, and living who God created me to be, out loud.

I can even say I am grateful for the struggle, though I hope it lets up soon.

If We're Brave We Can Believe in What We Are

2008-10-03T22:54:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of blogs every day. Funny, poignant, random. Some are chronicles of the day to day living, some are a plea to God. Most are about finding a good deal...but everyone carries a bit of the author.

I never thought I'd be a blogger. I never imagined I'd have much to say. Yet here I am, nearly a year and a half after I sat in front of my monitor and poured my very soul out onto the keyboard and hit "publish post".

My blogs have been instrumental in shaping who I am today. Not in that they have been imbued with some great power from God, but that as I pour out my words and more of me I am forced to see myself. It has been a giant mirror on parts of my soul I have too long been able to hide.

I have had to deal with ugliness in my own heart, lest it spill onto the page. I have swelled with love so overflowing I couldn't help but share... I have struggled and been blessed.

My great hope, in all the world is that someday, just living my life in an honest and vulnerable way I will impact the kingdom of God. That someone will see something honest in me that helps them see that God is busy at work in even the least of these.

As I plunge headfirst into two new biblestudies I hope that I am stretched, challenged, and changed...and that even my very blog reflects it.

Please Jesus, just let me be used.

It Should be Just as Easy as Black and Gray

2008-10-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

One of my good friends gave birth to her fourth child today. A daughter. When I read the news I nearly cried with joy. Not just for the joy of the baby but for the birth as well.

Her daughter was born at home, into the hands of her grandmother.

In a room filled with four women who loved each other dearly, a fifth little princess was born.

The birth was planned for home, but the baby came quickly and before the midwife arrived. No one panicked. No one feared. They simply welcomed her.

One of my greater regrets is how little I knew about labor and birth when my first child was born. I read all the books on a happy and healthy pregnancy, and I took my childbirth class... but there was so much I didn't know.

And it really wasn't until I had my third that I had a proper understanding of the natural process of birth. That I could see all the many things that had been done "to me" while laboring rather than allowing God to work in the beautiful and mysterious way He designed it.

And by then the medical community saw me as a patient, not a woman about to transition to motherhood.

It breaks my heart that this deeply spiritual and life changing, life *bringing* event had been so medicalized. That even in the church of America we have so little trust that God knows what He is doing or that He has a plan.

We hand His timetable over doctors who "know better". We interrupt the natural flow of it all, just because we can.

I feel like we have lost something beautiful in all of this. We have lost a sense of wonder and awe and replaced it with fear and trepidation.

Our mothers are patients to be cured, not women to be assisted and supported.

If I ever have the blessing of birthing another child I pray that I am able to fully it's birth like my friend was able today.

Welcome to the world little one.

I'll Have an Iced White

2008-10-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at the desktop computer and my husband is on the floor next to me with two laptops and an external hard-drive trying to piece together the wreckage of a system crash.

This, of course, makes for some very distracted writing since this is the most quality time we have had in at least a week. He occasionally bursts out with some random fact or story, and his itunes playlist seems to be loaded with songs about Brian Wilson. Does that take an obsession too far, when songs written and performed by your favorite artist aren't enough, and you have an entire collection of songs about him?

I am often jealous of my husbands time and ability to seek out and find new and interesting music. I have always had a musical spirit. I still remeber what it felt like to sit on my floor, next to my salmon pink clock radio and tape player (remeber tapes?) and try for the perfect mixed tape. No downloading, just waiting for your chosen dj to play that elusive favorite song that you always seem to catch in the middle. Cuing up the tape to just the right spot and the utter excitement when you caught the song after the first note...and then the heartbreak when the sation call letters were spoken over the last ten seconds of the song and you had to start again.

I had a notebook I used to keep song lyrics in. Again, no easy feat when you don't have the trust internet and google to do your bidding. Play. Pause. Write. Rewind...repeat.

Tonight in church I was once again overtaken by the power of music. Lifting my voice to worship The Lord in song, I felt the entire day melt away. the late appointments, cranky kids, and erands left undone seemed to disapear as I sang words that my heart could not have composed more perfectly.

A plea to God, of a broken hearted girl leaning on Him for every need.

I was refreshed. Requiped. And ready to stand up straight, no longer bowed over with the days burdens.

God is so good to meet me just where I am. To show His face to me in the ways He knows i can see...even when I am unprepared.

You Can Buy Coupons on Ebay!

2008-09-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have stopped myself about five different times today and thought, "That would be great for my blog," but then something new happens anp *poof* that idea is gone.

I guess I could explain my little banner up top?

One personal challenge just wasn't enough for me this month. Classic over achiever that I am, or I should say wannabe over achiever, big plans that don't always make it.

So I added a second challenge for myself. Or a second idea still evolving I suppose. I want my blog to have more me in it. And I realize how silly that sounds, it's a blog I write, about my life...how much more me does it need? I wanted to put some more color. A different glimpse of who I am...and so now you have the banners.

I am not sure they will always be pictures from the day, but they are pictures I have taken and cropped into these little banners. they all tell a story. I might not always tell the whole thing, but know that each picture is solidly matched to the day.

Today's banner shows what I purchased at CVS and Walgreens. I have been hanging out on some blogs of some amazing women who know how to put a deal together. Who scan sale adds and coupons and find ways to save thousands of dollars a year.

And I have to say, it's thrilling to know that you are saving money and stocking your household goods.

I was raised in a house that had plenty. I guess we were either solidly middle-class, or possibly slightly upper middle-class. We always had nice things, my dad always had a new car and cars always outnumbered drivers. I never saw my parents struggle with a monthly budget, or even appear to have one. I never saw them save for a minor purchase. If they wanted or needed it, they bought it. They worked really hard and lots of long hours to get there, but Sunday cupons were never anything more than the pages between the comics.

I always sensed my dad even had a slight dislike for coupons. Like they would be beneath him. To the point that he didn't even like to use the old school gift certificates. Remeber the paper ones?

So here I am, a grown-up in my own right, with my own family, and my own bills. Money and budgets operate much differently in my house. There is only one income to start. We choose to have a few less extras in order to have me here with the kids. There are a few more of those too. I was one of one. This house is filled with the squeals of three...and we still can't say there won't be more.

I have come to not just use the coupons but to love them. To find delight in stretching our budget by watching the adds and making the coupon matches. It's not only rewarding, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.

So up in that banner there is what I bought to day for, essentially, free.

I matched some coupons, used a rebate, and earned store credit, and spent some credit.

Good times.

Hot Cocoa and Popcorn

2008-09-29T10:05:00.001-07:00

I understand that there are still two days until October but it seems strange to start a new project like Blog-A-Day midweek, and I am so excited about a silly title like Blogtober that I just couldn't wait.

October is probably one of the more interesting, if not unwise, months to start such a project but it just seems right.

Two weeks from today is my youngest daughters first birthday, and two weeks from Wednesday marks the anniversary of her death.

And while I tend to keep posts about her confined to my other blog, I am sure there will be a lot of overlap.

I miss her more and more everyday, and I wonder how her birthday will change me?

Somehow I feel like this month is going to bring some sort of rebirth for me. I am not sure why I feel that but I do. I feel like my family is growing and evolving and this month marks some further changes.

Maybe it's just this season... everything is changing, the air is turning crisper and soon we'll be spending chilly evenings snuggled up with movies and popcorn, warming ourselves with yummy cups of hot cocoa.

This season is also the same one that my courtship with my husband began and the season we welcomed three of our four babies.

I guess the fall just has it's own magic around here.

Some things to look forward to this month:

*Thoughts on homeschooling and parenting my children. The unique joys and struggles that come from spending so much time getting to know and mold my babies.

*Adventures in couponing and bargain seeking. I swear it's like a drug, the rush that comes from saving more than I spend or getting something free. (Check out the links under "saving money" off to the side)

*Random angst and silliness, often all at the same time.

I think I forgot how to blog

2008-09-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's difficult when time and prudence interfere with writing.

Right now I am watching my daughter and youngest son play with toy money and baby Star Wars figures... It's so sweet and sweet has been painfully lacking in kid interactions this past week.

I have had to remind myself everyday that Home Schooling them is the best choice for them. It's what God has called me to do with them. Because honestly...the ease of dropping them off somewhere seems pretty tempting at times.

I would miss so much if I did that though, so much of watching and being a part of them discovering new things. of helping God mold them into who He has created them to be.

In some ways I have welcomed the struggles with schooling as they have forced me to focus on something else, besides my personal tumult.

I have been in a really ugly place the last few months.

I have felt abandoned and alone at nearly every turn. I have felt confused and misunderstood. I have felt like a burden and a failure. I have pressed into God and felt...nothing.

I have wept before him and searched for His comfort.

And over all, through all, I have felt...nothing.

To go from a place where I could almost physically feel God, to standing in a desert, has been terrifying.

I know I am not alone. I know I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Of abandonment. Of isolation.

I am like the child learning to ride her bike. God has let go to see if I can peddle without feeling Him right there. I have crashed and scraped my knee. I have cried. I have sat there and refused to get up.

But I want to soar. I want to ride this bike and finish this race. I want to succeed at the life God is laying before me.

So I need to get up, dust myself off , tighten the straps on my helmet and get back on that bike.

Knowing God is right there with me...even when I can't feel Him or hear Him.

I don't relish this attempt. I know there is a good likely hood I'll be bruised again. That my scraped up knees will continue to sting as I stretch and bend them. I also know they will heal and soon the fall will be a memory and there will be healing.

Probably shouldn't blog when I'm so emotional

2008-08-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Acts 16: 16-26

Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling. 17This girl followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, "These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved." 18She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so troubled that he turned around and said to the spirit, "In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!" At that moment the spirit left her.

19When the owners of the slave girl realized that their hope of making money was gone, they seized Paul and Silas and dragged them into the marketplace to face the authorities. 20They brought them before the magistrates and said, "These men are Jews, and are throwing our city into an uproar 21by advocating customs unlawful for us Romans to accept or practice."

22The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. 23After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. 24Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.

25About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. 26Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.

As He is so apt to do God has been speaking to me out of this particular passage for some time. I don't know that I still understand all of what He is trying to show me, but I am struggling to listen and to learn. Every Sunday morning we are reminded that God's word is living and active, and I am finding that so true in my life. Passages and stories I have heard or read a thousand times over mean something new everyday.

I seem to be learning just as much from what isn't on the page as from what is.

There is a lot of narrative missing from this account. A lot of humanness that just isn't shown.

Paul and Silas were trying to do the right thing. They did do the right thing. They freed this girl from her torment. They gave her the gift of peace...and for this they are jailed! Can you imagine? And not only do the people who lost money get angry, the whole town does. everyone. There is no mention of even one person saying "Frank, these guys did a good thing. Let's not get so bent out of shape." Just lots of anger...aver a healing! Over the freeing of a slave girls' soul and mind.

For this good thing, this kind act, they are beaten and abused. Thrown into the pit of all pits in jail.

They had to be discouraged. I know that's not written in the story. I haven't heard it preached often, but I just don't buy that the praise songs they were singing were the happy happy ones, right from the start.

These were the praises of broken and discouraged men. Men kicked around for doing right. The praises offered out of a desperate need to be closer to God because the world just didn't have anything to offer.

I think these are the most difficult praises to sing, yet the most essential. Praises offered to the God who does not change, in circumstances that we hope will. Praise offered to the author of all life when all that surrounds is marked by death.

Pocket change

2008-07-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

11 years ago when my husband and I made the choice to have children, we knew that raising children on one salary, a teacher's salary no less, was going to require some budgeting.

We haven't always been good at that, nor has it always been pleasant. We adjusted from bi-weekly paychecks to once a month pay check. Just one. We have struggled and we have prospered at different times.

Added into all the creative budgeting are our beautiful summers. Time to recharge and reconnect after an overly full academic year. Time to enjoy the California sunshine. Two months free of papers to grade, lessons to plan, and...well...pay.

People tend to shudder when they realize my husband draw no check in the summer, and truth be told I have more than once myself.

We have tried different versions of budgets, and many have failed miserably. My husband has often worked during the summers to bridge the monetary gap, but that option isn't always available and rarely reliable.

God has done a lot in me in this area. Finances seemed to be my biggest area of struggle. The place I am the weakest. I feel such a burden to "do the right thing" that I often wrestle ultimate control right out of the hands of the Maker of the Universe.

I mean, it's one thing to ask God for healing or patience but money seems so immediate. so essential. I have babies to feed. I have a home to run. I need money to do that. So I ask God to provide, to teach me to see His plan and to wait on His provision...and then the cupboards appear to go bare and I panic and start to plan and crunch numbers again.

Clearly this is an area where I need to be proactive yet my heart and faith need to not be bound by fear.

It is subtle. In a way indefinable. Yet I know there is a change in me...and I see that change reflected in my bank statements as well. My spiritual change has some obvious physical results.

Talk about Emo

2008-07-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today is a day where I really struggle with the point, the idea, and the reason to blog in the first place. It's hard when I know so many of the people I really love and care about will be reading because it leads me to a need to censor so as not to put anyone else's "stuff" out there.

That's why my blog has been so quiet. I have some big stuff going on in my heart and in my head, but it's stuff that could either be construed as gossip or passive aggressive if I wrote about it. And in my deepest heart of hearts, I don't want to be either of those things...even when it's easy to be.

I have been looking a lot at who I am. I have been doing it in light of some negative messages that I have gotten lately. More of the ugly tapes I have played for years and felt like I finally managed to, at the very least, mute. I knew they weren't destroyed but I hoped they had been edited sufficiently... But then from an unexpected and influential source...blam! Same ugly messages.

So I have been doing a good bit of self examination...and examination of relationships I have.

In some ways I welcome these opportunities because they force me to look at myself critically and that is always really good. Even when it is painful. I spent a lot of time in my life feeling like a failure who had to justify her shortcomings... now I know I am just a regular old person who screws up and needs to own that. When I am wrong, or when I have given out the perception to someone that they are undervalued by me I want to own that. Even though it hurts and it's hard to admit.

So I have been doing a lot of evaluating. Sometimes when you do that though you realize you place a lot of value on certain things that others just don't. And that's kind of hard.

To all my less -than-three girls... I value each and every one of you. It's obvious that I spend lots more time with some, or one, of you more than the others. But each and everyone of you are special and amazing and I feel absolutely honored to have each of you in my life... To have shared such the most life changing moments in my life with you. To watch each of you continue on or find the path God has laid before you excites me more than you will ever know. I pray for you all everyday...

Uh-Oh...controversial

2008-07-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

My youngest son is spending his second night in his "big boy bed" tonight. He loves the bed though he insists "I still yittle, I just has a big boy bed."

I looked at him sleeping there yesterday and thought he looked so small, yet...not. Not anymore.

I was away for a week and in that week he went and grew up on me. His speech pattens are different and his face looks more boyish now, and less like a baby. I missed so much in that week. Yet what I missed was almost unidentifiable to anyone but his daddy and I.

I am so grateful that I am home with my kids everyday. that I see every little thing and can note the minor changes in just a week.

I have had people tell me I am "lucky" to be able to stay home, and while I am truly blessed beyond measure, there is no luck in this decision.

Way back, what feels like a million years ago, my then-fiance and I were sitting in a booth in our favorite Mexican restaurant and I said "I just want you to know, I won't put my kids in daycare." I think he agreed without fulling understanding what that meant, but he did agree and it became a tenet of our marriage from the beginning. I am so grateful.

Everyday I am grateful to have a husband who is so passionately in favor of me being the 24 hour on-call mother to our kids. The one who kisses all the boo-boos. The one who gets to deal with all the attitudes. The one who has memorized everything from Blue's Clues to Spongebob. The one who has at one point or another had just about every kind of oozy, drippy, runny, or lumpy kid secretion on me or my clothes. The one who's been embarrassed in the grocery store and filled with pride at the playground.

It hasn't always been easy, cheep, or lucrative to be here. To be home when bills piled up, or stresses did. It hasn't even always been affordable. And we do without a lot of the extras...but we never want for anything of import. God always provides. Often He even provides a little...or a lot...extra.

I don't really know the point of this blog and I certainly hope it doesn't sound all mom-against-mom. I think most parents want to do the best they can. Gosh, I hope they do anyway.

I guess, I don't know, I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Most really amazing things don't come easy or by accident. They require a lot of effort and determination. This is no different.

I wish every mother could and would stay home with her children. It's blessings times one million. I know there are mothers that can't, and I want to support them anyway I can, but sadly, I also know there are mothers that just wont, and that is heartbreaking.