This is a 159 character text message post as I forgot to blog until I was cozy in bed. I return to real posts tomorrow.
This would be much easier with a laptop.
This would be much easier with a laptop.
Sometimes I take a second, look around at my life, past the sticky fingerprints, sink full of dishes, and toys that litter the living room floor like so many tiny landmines and marvel at who I am, and where I've ended up.
I never imagined this life, twenty years ago when I was getting to know my best friend outside of a coffee bar, when I married him, or even headed down the road in our little red car on the way to deliver our first child.
I couldn't see the nights we stayed up way to late just talking, the 19 unit college semesters my husband slaved to get to the career God was calling him too, the first smiles of each of our children, the pain of saying goodbye to one of them, the absolute bliss of holding our miracle. I never imagined the struggles would be as hard and that they would lead to the sweetest places.
I never imagined this life, twenty years ago when I was getting to know my best friend outside of a coffee bar, when I married him, or even headed down the road in our little red car on the way to deliver our first child.
I couldn't see the nights we stayed up way to late just talking, the 19 unit college semesters my husband slaved to get to the career God was calling him too, the first smiles of each of our children, the pain of saying goodbye to one of them, the absolute bliss of holding our miracle. I never imagined the struggles would be as hard and that they would lead to the sweetest places.
I look back at those kids walking down the aisle and I laugh at how little they knew about the road they would take.
This is not the life I imagined.
This is not the life I imagined.
It is soooo much more.
I never knew the mundane things that would define me, would be things I would treasure.
I guess, once again, God is reminding me that His plans so much further exceed my imaginations.
I never knew the mundane things that would define me, would be things I would treasure.
I guess, once again, God is reminding me that His plans so much further exceed my imaginations.
Tonight, no good "first lines" are coming to me.
We all know how important that first line in an essay (or blog post) is. We learned back in middle school. That's the line that makes the audience decide whether they are going to keep reading. It has to be catchy. It has to grab the reader, draw them in...and I have backspaced my first line a million times.
I've got no good intro so I guess I'll just jump in.
Can that be okay for tonight? I mean, I'm bound to have 15 or 20 good intros this month, so a few super boring, sub par ones are acceptable right?
Back at the 10 days of prayer I did something new. It was pretty outlandish actually.
I have been carrying around this secret dream for nearly a year. An aching secret dream that I have mentioned to God in prayer a time or two, but knew it wasn't really n the realm of human possibility so I prayed things like "God, you know I really want this but I know it's probably not your will so help me to be content."
The same God I begged and believed would heal my daughter, I just wrote off as wanting me to have this other impractical dream. Sometimes I have to laugh at my own ridiculousness.
The same God I begged and believed would heal my daughter, I just wrote off as wanting me to have this other impractical dream. Sometimes I have to laugh at my own ridiculousness.
So here I was, at day 7 or so and sitting in my "personal prayer time" seat. Listening to the worship music and focusing on God and trying to be quiet and listen...and I started to pray about this dream.
Now let me be clear. It wasn't just big like "We need a new car." It was crazy big...and the desire for it was nearly crushing. To the point of tears at the thought of it being a dream never realized. For months I carried this around. Aching in my soul.
Now let me be clear. It wasn't just big like "We need a new car." It was crazy big...and the desire for it was nearly crushing. To the point of tears at the thought of it being a dream never realized. For months I carried this around. Aching in my soul.
So I start to really be honest with God and pour my emotion all over the pew. I was utterly transparent in my dream. In the crushing weight of it. I poured it all out and gave it 100% to God, knowing he might say "no".
And I think that was my fear all along, that He would say "no" when I wanted to hope for a yes more than anything.
And I think that was my fear all along, that He would say "no" when I wanted to hope for a yes more than anything.
My God has plans for my life that are better than anything I can ever imagine. He has shown me that time and time again. In so many ways He has shown me...but this dream, it felt to big to let go of.
Until that day. I let it all go.
And it wasn't until last week that I realized that the heaviness and burden for my outlandish dream had vanished. I was no longer dragging around this heavy sack of fear and desire. God totally has freed me from it, by taking my burden as His. Even for something as simple as *my* crazy dream.
As for the answer to my crazy prayer? Maybe this post would be better if I ended with "And you know what? As soon as I let it go He said YES!!" But in truth, I'm fairly certain the answer is "No, this isn't my plan for you, sweet daughter". The amazing part is, I'm okay with that. Not just okay...but great with that. Because my dream was pretty big and amazing, so if He's got better for me? How can that be bad.
As for the answer to my crazy prayer? Maybe this post would be better if I ended with "And you know what? As soon as I let it go He said YES!!" But in truth, I'm fairly certain the answer is "No, this isn't my plan for you, sweet daughter". The amazing part is, I'm okay with that. Not just okay...but great with that. Because my dream was pretty big and amazing, so if He's got better for me? How can that be bad.
Do you hear that? Just now, the dryer stopped, the TV is off, and everyone is asleep. It is beautifully, blissfully quiet...save the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard.
One of my favorite sounds.
I need to get up and put the kids' martial arts uniforms in the dryer and finish a project for a client tomorrow, but I'm just going to take a few minutes and write...sound good?
And yes, I did just say client. :) tomorrow I am meeting with a couple to help them create a personalized, styled photoshoot with my amazing friend Stacee Lianna and I am so excited. Styling shoots is quickly becoming one of my very favorite things. It's all the fun of wedding and party planning on a much smaller and more personal scale!
It's funny, because I didn't really see this happening, I was always just along for the ride and moral support with Stacee. I always knew she'd be behind the lens for epic shoots, but I didn't know I'd get to play a part in helping her clients build these amazing memories. Documenting special events and relationships in deeply personal ways.
I love how God is so remarkable like that. One of my most favorite things I used to have the opportunity to do when I volunteered with the Women's Ministry at my church was decorating and coming up with themed events. I LOVED it. I loved how a cute table setting would imediatly connect women to the central message of the day or weekend.
I have missed it. Deeply.
It's funny, because I didn't really see this happening, I was always just along for the ride and moral support with Stacee. I always knew she'd be behind the lens for epic shoots, but I didn't know I'd get to play a part in helping her clients build these amazing memories. Documenting special events and relationships in deeply personal ways.
I love how God is so remarkable like that. One of my most favorite things I used to have the opportunity to do when I volunteered with the Women's Ministry at my church was decorating and coming up with themed events. I LOVED it. I loved how a cute table setting would imediatly connect women to the central message of the day or weekend.
I have missed it. Deeply.
But God, in his immeasurable love, has given me a chance to practice what I love again. Isn't that so like him to care about something so insignificant? Because I care. And He loves me.
I am so blessed.
I am so blessed.
I tried to back myself out of this again. I always do :p
But it's February and here I am, I'm trying to carve out a few mins each day to sit and reflect.
But it's February and here I am, I'm trying to carve out a few mins each day to sit and reflect.
Things are really weird for me right now because I feel like a few weeks back everything changed for me, and not one single circumstance in my life did. Finances didn't multiply, relationships didn't change, schedules didn't slow down, the baby didn't start sleeping.
Nothing changed...except me.
It's no secret I have struggled with a lot of stuff over the last few years. Mostly relational stuff. The hardest things to struggle through for me are relational stuff.
Nothing changed...except me.
It's no secret I have struggled with a lot of stuff over the last few years. Mostly relational stuff. The hardest things to struggle through for me are relational stuff.
So how did it change?
God. No question.
God. No question.
A few weeks back we were having 10 nights of prayer meetings at my church. They weren't at the best times and they were hard to get to, but I really wanted to be a part of things. I wanted to see, first hand, how God would move.
I wanted to see all the incredible signs and wonders. Healing. Dancing in the aisles. I wanted to see it all.
I wanted to see all the incredible signs and wonders. Healing. Dancing in the aisles. I wanted to see it all.
What I saw instead was a family. A quiet family, waiting together and sharing in an intimate season together. God moved, yes. Pain was removed. Hope was restored. Faith was renewed.
And my heart was healed. Healed and open to what ever God wants to do.
All my life I have wanted to have some guest speaker at church, look at me and say "God wants me to tell you ____________." All my life.
I know it's silly, but I always was awed that God would do that, that He would take that split second to connect with one of His children in such a powerful and personal way.
I know it's silly, but I always was awed that God would do that, that He would take that split second to connect with one of His children in such a powerful and personal way.
When I was pregnant with Eden I would often pray that God would send me confirmation of her impending healing in that way. That someone would come up to me and say "God showed me an image of your baby and she was healed!" Of course that never happened because that wasn't God's plan.
Still, I always wanted that person God got all showy with to be me.
As I grew older the desired to be *used* in that way grew as well. I still pray "God, use me. I want to show someone how much you love them." And, He is pretty faithful in that one. I love to tell people how very much Jesus loves them. It is probably my most favorite thing in the whole world.
One of them.
Still, I always wanted that person God got all showy with to be me.
As I grew older the desired to be *used* in that way grew as well. I still pray "God, use me. I want to show someone how much you love them." And, He is pretty faithful in that one. I love to tell people how very much Jesus loves them. It is probably my most favorite thing in the whole world.
One of them.
Another came tonight...when God did just what I always asked...and spoke to me...through someone else's vision...He picked Me. To remind me of how much He loves me. To remind me that He's heard me. To remind me that I'm not crazy. Just a little note of encouragement to wait on His timing but that His timing is as faithful as the seasons. That where snow falls, it also melts and gives birth to new life.
I am so incredibly blessed...today I am blessed because I am seen by The One Who Matters Most.
So blessed.
And my Joy Dare:
I am so incredibly blessed...today I am blessed because I am seen by The One Who Matters Most.
So blessed.
And my Joy Dare:
Day 3:
Three lines you overheard that were graces:
Ok, I'm just going to admit that I don't entirely *get* this one, but that's not going to stop me. Here are three nuggets of truth I heard tonight...
1. God is the author of life, it is so much easier if we let Him have the pen.
2. Matthew 24:13 "the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. "
3. Psalm 103:17 "But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children" There is nothing I want more for my babies. NOTHING.
If I sat down to write a year in review blog it would probably be very short yet it would hold so much. Everything has changed so much and I often catch myself, staring at my husband saying things like "Can you believe that one year ago I was crying over the fact that I had *ruined* Zoe for sleeping on her own" as Zoe now sleeps blissfully happy in her crib.
Looking back through this year it's been such a haze of rapid change. We've only lived in this house 13 months and there are still boxes to unpack. So much has happened, is happening that I've felt a lot of life has been a blur.
This year I hope to be a bit more intentional about my time and to really focus on a deeper understanding and relationship with Jesus. I plan to seek after the joy and peace that come from a closer walk with Him with more fervor than this last year.
Looking back through this year it's been such a haze of rapid change. We've only lived in this house 13 months and there are still boxes to unpack. So much has happened, is happening that I've felt a lot of life has been a blur.
This year I hope to be a bit more intentional about my time and to really focus on a deeper understanding and relationship with Jesus. I plan to seek after the joy and peace that come from a closer walk with Him with more fervor than this last year.
Enter a blog/life challenge. Enter The Joy Dare. Simply put, a little daily focus on Joy. Joy, a God given gift.
I'm late to the party, but i don't intend to give up and trow in the towel...I'll just start late and try to catch up.
I doubt I'll blog it everyday, but I'll try and keep an updated list here on the blog.
I'm late to the party, but i don't intend to give up and trow in the towel...I'll just start late and try to catch up.
I doubt I'll blog it everyday, but I'll try and keep an updated list here on the blog.
So here we go:
Day 1:
3 things about yourself that you are grateful for:
Hmmmm... this isn't easy to think of right off the bat. I mean, i think I have pretty eyes but am I grateful for them? Are my eyes a "about me" anyway?
I am grateful that I am stubborn. I don't think I am the type to just dig my heels in because I want to, but when I passionately believe in something, I get pretty rooted. I grab onto God and I use all my tenacity to hang onto or fight for what I think is right.
I am grateful that I am so vulnerable. Vulnerability rarely feels very good and has opened me up to a world of hurt and mistreatment by people I was emotionally vulnerable too. I have wept bitter tears over betrayal and relationships lost. I have felt hurt deeper than I care to remember. I have also had true, honest, deep relationships that have brought me the sweetest tears and greatest laughs.
I am grateful that I bore Eden. I did not carry her alone. I did not bear the burden of her death alone. God was every bit of strength in those many months of her short life, and He is my sustaining force, to this very moment. Still, I am grateful that I heard from Him and obeyed. I am grateful everyday that I loved her like I loved all the others. I am soooo grateful that she was allowed to live and that I got to choose that for her.
I am grateful that I am so vulnerable. Vulnerability rarely feels very good and has opened me up to a world of hurt and mistreatment by people I was emotionally vulnerable too. I have wept bitter tears over betrayal and relationships lost. I have felt hurt deeper than I care to remember. I have also had true, honest, deep relationships that have brought me the sweetest tears and greatest laughs.
I am grateful that I bore Eden. I did not carry her alone. I did not bear the burden of her death alone. God was every bit of strength in those many months of her short life, and He is my sustaining force, to this very moment. Still, I am grateful that I heard from Him and obeyed. I am grateful everyday that I loved her like I loved all the others. I am soooo grateful that she was allowed to live and that I got to choose that for her.
Day 2:
A gift outside, inside, and on a plate.
I am still a little cold from one of my nighttime walks. When i slip out at night and join up with my friend and we walk we do so much more than exercise our bodies. We laugh and plan and mostly dream. We share each others burdens and joys. We offer encouragement and a listening ear. I love these walks.
And when I came inside, it was still and quiet. The chaos of the day had melted and my family are all nestled in bed, healthy and warm.
I will probably eat one of my favorite Christmas cookies before I head off to bed. The box is half empty and when they are gone, they'll be gone until November. But tonight I will delight in them and how they taste delicious and remind me of the Christmas wonder of my childhood.
I will probably eat one of my favorite Christmas cookies before I head off to bed. The box is half empty and when they are gone, they'll be gone until November. But tonight I will delight in them and how they taste delicious and remind me of the Christmas wonder of my childhood.
How about you? How would you answer The Joy Dare?
