I'm sitting in the living room, listening to the washer run, tv paused, and I know I should get up and go to bed. That I should pick the messes up off the floor, turn off the lights, check the babies and snuggle into my bed.

I know that in 5 hours I will be nursing Zoe, wishing I had gone to bed before 11pm.

I know all of this.

But, I'm blogging instead.

I have been stalking Ebay and Craigslist looking for a used netbbook so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour and still have some time to write, but for now, I'll steal my moments at the desktop, when there is the briefest moment of relative quiet, and I'll see what flows out.

I have noticed a small victory in one area that my faith and fears are constantly at odds. I have lived a tiny bit in the freedom that comes from trusting God, fully, when it comes to His provision.

If I have said it once, I have said it a million times... *this* is where I struggle. This is where Satan whispers in my ear and I find myself nodding along with the lies. It's frustrating, but it is part of my story.

I have noticed in the past month or so that there have been some large financial setbacks, and I have not toppled under the fear of them. That God has consistently provided and blessed us, and that I have had the joy of someone living fully in peace with that trust.

Yet, at the same time I have noticed that old wounds are gaping and raw, once again. I am not sure why, but here I am bleeding all over the place and wondering where my peace, healing, and joy have gone. I poured out my pain and frustration at the feet of God and I hear *nothing*.

Until I pour it all out again to my husband.

I am still raw, but I am beyond blessed.

18 years ago I was just a kid, about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life, and marry my best friend. We had no idea where God would take us, or even what marriage was going to be about. We just knew that this was what God wanted for us.

In these 18 years I have laughed harder than I knew was possible, and cried from depths I didn't know I had. I have grown and changed and fallen and struggled, but I have never been alone. I have become a mother, five times over. I have given one of my children back into the hands of God all too soon. I have lived life with wild abandon and I have peaked inside death's door. I have lived so much, and I have done it all with the love, support, friendship, and spiritual partnership of a great and amazing man.

So much of who I am is a result of who he believed I could be. Every thing I am proud to be is because of God, working through him.

Tonight, I will think back on the excited anticipation I felt 18 years ago and laugh at all that that young girl didn't know she was getting into...and I will give thanks to a God who had a plan for me beyond any hope or dream I could have come up with.