I tried to back myself out of this again. I always do :p

But it's February and here I am, I'm trying to carve out a few mins each day to sit and reflect.

All my life I have wanted to have some guest speaker at church, look at me and say "God wants me to tell you ____________." All my life.

I know it's silly, but I always was awed that God would do that, that He would take that split second to connect with one of His children in such a powerful and personal way.

All around me people are embarking on new adventures. New dreams are being realized, and I sort of feel like I am being left behind.

Today was a no good, horrible, very bad day around here. It started bad, got worse, and then went down hill.

If this post gets finished and published it will be a minor miracle.

When I sat down to write my first blog post, just over 4 years ago, I had no idea that I would come to depend on these moments with a keyboard to clear my head. That I would physically crave time to write. That it would make me sad when I didn't do it.

It has been too long that I have neglected this little bit of self care. This little bit of sharing me, that forces me to look at me, my world, My God...all a little differently.

In the many months since my sweet Zoe's birth, I have been through, what feels like, 3 lifetimes of changes. Most of them good, but no without their toll.

I have been battered in the process of this change, not just me either, but my family as well. Through it all, though, our constant has been our creator.

I have felt and seen His love and provision in so many ways. Just today, I was feeling a little down and He sends a little bright spot that I know is just a reminder that I am not unseen.

It astonishes me sometimes, that even after Eden. After decades of God pouring out His love on me, I still catch myself wondering if He sees me. More amazing, that He knows I wonder and that there is no chastisement in it. That He takes the time to show me, in the simplest ways, that I am seen.

How do I deserve to be so blessed?

I'm having a few of those days where so much of what is good in my life...and there is *so much*... seems to be caught behind this veil of murky water. The day to day grind is kind of getting me down. I am hoping that I can get my brain and spirit back in line if I take a few moments to focus and get it out.

I had a run in with someone today and it was really unpleasant, when I am alone he talks down to me because I am a woman and since I need to live in peace with this person as a part of the very peripheral part of my life I can't really get up in his face about it, so I have to smile and nod and agree when what I want to do is whip out the best finger wave I can muster and a good "Look here you..." It's a great lesson in trusting God I suppose. In letting Him fight my battles and raise me up. Unless something divine is done in this man's heart I can't see the situation really changing so I need to count this as one of those time where rain is falling on the "just and unjust" and let it go...so not my natural reaction.

I have also made great strides to become more debt free and less spendy. I have never been an extravagant spender, nor has my husband, but I have been learning new and creative ways to stretch money a little further... and then my car windshield cracks and my husband's car starts has this fun mechanical problem...bye-bye any stitch of getting ahead. Gah, it's so frustrating. Now there are some new expenses we hadn't planned for or seen coming that really shouldn't be on us, but are and we'll have to find a way with those too. Gah, again. Why is this always such a struggle for me? Why do i find it so hard to actually, joyfully, "consider the lilies of the field"? To look around me and see that we have *never* gone hungry. That we have *never* gone without. My living room floor is currently covered in a maternity wardrob larger than my regular one. All hand me downs and perfect for the seasons I'll need them. They are sitting next to the most comfortable couch I have ever sat on, that was also a handme down that was practically new. That faces the amazing TV my parents gifted us with at Christmas...and that's all *extra* that God doles out with wild abandon...and somehow I fret about the necessities. Sheesh. Even the car with the mechanical problem? that was a gift. We've only ever paid for gas and some minor maintenance...yet still, I fret. How many times will God need to teach me this same lesson?

I feel discouraged by my messy house, not dirty, just messy and then I look at the three amazing children I have...dragging things hear and there all day...and wonder how I could let that bog me down? I know every mother thinks it, but I, honestly, have amazing kids. I would totally pick them if I got a do over. I *like* them. they are funny, and kind, and loving. They love God and their family. Today, after i had been talked down to, they had my back. My oldest saying "I wish I were just a little bit older and I could tell him to talk to me!" Who is that blessed? Me! That's who.

So, I have everything I need, a lot of things I *want*, kids and a husband who love me more than I ever thought possible, a God who has my whole life in His hands and guarantees that He is working "everything for the good" of me and mine...and still I get discouraged?

Sheesh.

It feels so much later than it really is, and the day has just flown by...but I need to take a few moments and really reflect, really see, really savor the last dozen or so hours.

It's not strange to think a birthday would have you start to reflect on the life you are living. Who and how you serve, parent, friend, and think.

It's been a wild few years, as I've said over and over again. I'm not going to lie, I haven't always dealt with it all with grace or humility. I haven't always adjusted my focus tpo the eternal and away from the spiritual...but more often than not I have. I have striven to see god when I felt blind, and listen to the whisper of His small voice. I have wanted to live out who He was calling me to be and walk the path I felt was the one He placed me on.

I fell, I got pretty beat up along the way, but mt great big God always waited next to me, with His hand outstretched to lift me up.

Today was fun and amazing, with nothing particular spectacular. A rare midweek breakfast and movie date with the one person on this earth who loves me beyond measure, the joy of a stolen day together. A relaxing dinner and a casual conversation in patio chairs on display at Kohl's with a dear friend. Nothing spectacular but a day marked with the profound.

Today, in messages that were unexpected, in gifts that were small tokens or grand gestures, in cards from other countries...in all of these things...an assurance that I was loved for simply being me. That I was valuable to people whom I love. That God gave me a life to live with great relationship and joy.

Today I saw myself through the eyes of God as special and called for purpose. Today I knew who i was more clearly than I have in ages.

Today petty disputes and profound disagreements ceased to define or darken the great love that I have been blessed with.

Today God met me and spoke with me in a voice as loud as thunder. Spoke to me a language of deep, unimaginable love.

Today I was freed. Again.

So I was tagged by my amazing friend Denise...again...and I put off the post for way too long.

The gist was about where I see myself in 10 years...and I thought that was interesting given all this talk of "The List".

I also have a half finished post about starting my list, and crossing off #37 Find or develop a pizza recipe my family loves.

So maybe, if you'll indulge me, I can talk a little bit about both.

It is an interesting time to be thinking about the future and where I hope to be, or what I hope to accomplish since I am just a few days away from a monumental birthday. 35.

I said it when I turned 30, but even more so now, at 35, I feel like that is such a grown-up. While I know I have dealt with some truly major things, and still do, I still am a little surprised when I say the number. I guess I always thought that when I was 35 I'd have "figured it out" or "followed my dreams" or something equally vague and finished sounding.

I think the thing I know now, is that the figuring it out, and the dreaming, that's always in process. That it and the dreams are ever changing. That nothing is figured out ever really, unless you have learned to be fully present in the day to day and seek the miraculous in the everyday.

Tonight, as my family sat down to cheer on Boston Rob and dine on pizza that I made from scratch I had a tremendous sense of pride at knowing that the very dinner we ate, was once only a goal, and is now a reality.

So to reflect on where I'll be when I turn 45? I, in all honesty, can't even pretend to imagine.

My eldest son, and even my daughter (if she follows in my footsteps) could be married in 10 years! It's even possible I could be a grandmother! How crazy would that be? My youngest will still be home, making me laugh everyday...and if God decides to bless us, maybe he won't be alone.

I hope things will have slowed down with my husband not struggling to finish a master's degree and work every spare second he can to provide a way for me to be staying home with our children.

I hope that the deep deep friendships I have now will have only deepened.

I am prayerful that the people I love, who are in the midst of trials so overwhelming now, will have been restored and blessed in abundance.

In my dreams my church has grown to overflowing and is impacting the city, nation, and world with the awesome and amazing love of God.

My list will have been long completed and perhaps another will have begun.

If feels amazing to look ahead with hope and prayer. To know that no matter where I am in 10 years, Jesus will be right there with me.

And in closing...because it may never get it's own post my list is here...feel free to look it over

Where to even begin...

I have come to realize what a vital part of my life and my relationship with God sitting at this desk and pouring out my heart through this keyboard really is.

Every time I sit to write I hope that I am submitting something good. Something that goes out and adds to the cyber world. I don't expect it to be profound or life changing...not every post...but I do hope it will be something "for good".

Maybe that is why I have been away so long?

This last season in my life has been a little dry. Circumstances and my attitude towards them have put me in a mood to be less than enthusiastic about writing, or I have been just plain tired.

Through it all though, is the constant that gives my very breath meaning.

My God.

While life has presented many obstacles lately, God remains who He is.

My son asked me about the act of worship the other day, in a way only an innocent and inquisitive child, nearing his teen years, can why we worship God. Pointing out that "Yeah, Jesus died and everything but why do we worship?"

I was reminded again of the awesome blessing of being a parent, being compelled to understand things enough to explain them is just one.

For this question I had the ready answer, the answer that can make this whole journey of faith so uncomfortable for some, but provides freedom beyond measure.

"We worship Him because He is God. He is the creator of every atom and every mountain. We worship Him because he created us and gives us life. We worship Him because He is beyond our imagination. If He never blessed us, if He didn't have relationships with us, if He just sat in heaven...He would be worthy of our worship. But He does bless us, and He does have relationship with us, and He doesn't just sit in heaven...He is intimately involved with us. So that is why we worship."

Over the last few years, as my life circumstances cause me trouble, or heartache, or breed questions I have come to understand that all of that is irrelevant if I trust in who God is. If I am willing to see how much bigger than me and what I comprehend...and if I know in the fiber of my soul and am willing to submit to his ultimate goodness and wisdom...then I can keep moving in this life. In the midst of hurt, suffering, confusion...God is still God and ultimately beyond me and wants more for me than I can ever imagine.

What does it say about me that blogging has become a vital part of my mental health? It seems that with the quiet of January I was allowed just a little too much time inside my own head... and it really wasn't pretty.

I can't say that blogging is like prayer, exactly, but I find the openness in my writing allows God a different way to speak to me. That He is so good to show up as the thoughts are processing and my fingers are typing away.

Rarely do I sit down with a post already mapped out. Generally I just sit with my thoughts and it allows me to sort through the giant pile.

I do my best to be open, to be transparent, here. I am a very real girl with some very human flaws, but still I want to show the real and authentic me. The me that tries to grow a little everyday.

So here I go again... one month straight of reflection as I continue my pilgrimage here on this earth.

And I am very excited.

I have spent the last three days sitting at the feet of my Abba and, once again, schucking off the shell of what once was and getting new clothes and a new me. I am not yet sure what this means, but I have taken a solid and sure step forward and I refuse to step back. Not by an act of will, but an act of surrender.

I hope to look back with a very clear understanding of some of my recent and current trials. But even if I don't walk away with answers, I know I walk away grown and that will be enough.

I am submitting a larger part of who I am and what I desire to Him.

So feel free to walk with me, or watch me walk. It probably wont be the most beautiful journey but I am hoping the new creation reflects more of her father's image in the end.

Sometimes the irony God likes to use in my life is almost laughable. Other times it cuts to the quick. And still other times it's just plain confusing...sometimes all at the same time.

Today I read this:

I thought about a thankfulness post on Thanksgiving day, because there are so many people and things, and experiences I am thankful for. Even the people, things, experiences that have hurt and left permanent marks on my soul.

I make a choice everyday to serve and love God when my circumstances seem bleak, because I want God to be made strong in my weaknesses... I think weaknesses make God excited to really show off His strength and glory.

I feel like the biggest thing I have learned over this past year is that my relationship with God isn't about what He can do for me, but what He can do with me.

And for knowing that on a level that has made it part of who I am, I am grateful the most.

I am also filled with thankfulness as this holiday season kicks into full swing. I look forward to this season with much the same excitement as my three children, the youngest needs merely see a Christmas ball in the package and a smile breaks across his face.

The decorations are late in getting up this year as we were all sick in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, and now my husband is struck with a lovely case of food poisoning.

But I know in the weeks to come as we pull out the tree, and dust off the ornaments... place each Nativity in the bookcases and on the furniture that there will be a deeper joy that fills my heart. A joy for my savior and how He works in ways I can not see.

At 11:42 pm last night, in the parking lot of in n out, while I was munching on the last of the fries I managed not to drop on the floor, my friend informs me of the multiple ways I can cheat the time on my blog and thus still make my midnight deadline.

I decided to just stick with the truth and let Blogtober suffer. That's two down. Whoops.

I am so excited to, once again, be in the midst of a potentially, if I let it be, life changing Beth Moore biblestudy. Having my faith stretched, pulled, and reshaped everyday.

I feel like, as so often is the case in my spiritual life, that this study comes at the hight of a realization God has been speaking to me for over a year. I know God and I love Him. I trust Him and know He is powerful but I have no idea how limitless and creative He is. How He can choose to work in me if I am fully open to His creative hand.

At the same time I am reading another book, fiction of all things, but based on a true encounter with God that defines the deity and humanness of Jesus in such a simple yet overwhelming way.

When Jesus walked on earth he was fully human. Fully. All of the miraculous power He displayed was not a mark of his Godness but of His communion with God. That He walked so close and so personally and so in tune with God that power flowed through him like an open sea. He was so fully available he heard every whisper and grasped every inkling of God's will and desire.

He trusted God so fully and so desperately desired to share Him with all that is own suffering and pain were of little concern. He embraced the torture of the cross with eyes wide open, giving a great gift to all mankind.

It stuns me to look at Jesus this way. Stuns me because I know that is all available for me too. That I could know Him like that. that I could stand so fully confident that I would be able to turn water into wine if that is what God needed of me. That I could be so fully in tune with God that His power could dwell so fully in me that a mere touch would bring out the healing power of the creator of the universe.

I am tearing down the boxes I have tried to put God in...even the ones that I thought were too vast to limit Him.

And I can't access my pictures or anything fun...

I have been sitting on the floor looking through my CVS add and playing with all my coupons putting together deals for tomorrow and it frightens me how excited I get thinking about the fun and exciting freebies that I am hoping to get this week.

My husband just laughs at my little game and chooses to be glad that it doesn't cost us anything extra.

Even still I have to keep myself in check, not allowing the thrill of the deal to become a distraction in my life. I know I have done that before, gotten sidetracked with all of my planning and stopped asking God to lead, when it comes to finances.

So, as silly as it seems, I sometimes have to take a chance to make sure I am submitting even this, to God. That I am not relying on a deal or getting greedy.

I am grateful that God would think enough of my everything to care about even this area of my life.

At the end of a long, yet nice day, I really enjoy sitting at my desk and clearing my mind, waiting for God to speak while I blog. I love the ritual of it. My life doesn't have a lot of ritual, but this is one of my favorites...

So now here I am and it's hard to connect to it as I lay on my couch with my laptop. It's just not the same. But, change can be good even if you never learn to like it so I am going to dive in again today and wait for God to meet me again.

Sometimes I feel like refinement just hurts, or can't God give it a rest already, and then days like today happen. I look at days like today in comparison to where my heart was only a month ago and I can actually see Him changing me. I can myself reflecting more of who He wants me to be and I beam. Like a child who see's the mark on a growth chart that is just a bit above where it once was.

Where I had a chance to be hurt I chose to hurt for someone else and to continue to see my value to God. Where I stand a little straighter and the pride is not human but in knowing my inherent value, even if God and I are the only ones who see it...it's an amazing place to be.

I have spent so many years second guessing and wondering if I had any value, constantly pricked and bleeding when I was told of it was hinted that my value was less...so to finally see evidence of myself standing in tis place was wonderful.

Today there is a sense that there is great expectation about something amazing and heartbreaking...

In reality I have shed several happy tears today. Been frustrated by some people. And had a lovely surprise on my doorstep early this morning...

Last week I received a card from The March Of Dimes because a good friend donated in my Beautiful Daughter's name. Standing at the mailbox I wept happy tears that, even a year later, Eden's life mattered to people who never got a chance to know her. That loving her didn't require actually meeting her. That a short little life could impact and change people.

Mostly I am just happy when she is remembered. Not as a sad footnote, but as a little girl who was celebrated.

Being Eden's mother has changed me in ways I never could have imagined and I am hardly the same person I was a year ago, and I scarcely recognize who I was two years ago.

This past year has been filled with a pain deeper than any I ever believed I could endure. I have watched my children and my husband weep from so deeply I thought they might never stop, I have wondered if I would ever cease to ache.

But in the midst of all of that God has revealed himself to me new, nearly everyday.

I don't know if I will ever understand why God denied the pleas of so many of His children. Why standing and silently saying no fit His plan better. And I believe I will always wonder about that... but still, I know that God is who He says He is. That His plan is perfect and that I have seen what true peace is. That I have lived it, felt it, breathed it.

The enemy has come many times to whisper in my ear about an impotent or uncaring God. He has poured salt in the deep wounds of my grief. He has attempted to shake me free of my faith many times.

And when he has, I have found renewed strength and renewed faith in the utter holiness of Eden's final breath. I can scarcely look back at that time without seeing all of heaven weeping as I handed my daughter into her Father's arms.

I have been through even more trials since I had to submit to the will of God and love Him while his actions hurt. I am in the midst of one even still. But when Satan tries to tempt me into depression and resignation I am empowered in my faith by remembering 36 holy hours that He gave me with my little one.

36 hours in which my baby girl cooed, cried, peed on so many nurses and guests, and proved her full humanness by getting cranky when she was unswaddled or cold. 36 hours in which I got to cuddle and love her. 36 hours that are so removed from everyday that they are almost like a dream, though they are forever etched in my memory.

So today is not a sad day. Today is a day I rejoice that God chose me. Trusted me with a difficult choice.

Today I remember her beautiful bowed lips and her feisty attitude, and celebrate the first birthday of my precious Eden.

I love you sweet girl. My arms ache for you everyday but my heart is happy to have gotten to love you!

Sometimes, when my husband is home and my children are giggling it's just best if I don't ask questions. Dad's seem to find the most bizarre and, occasionally terrifying idea of fun.

Today though I couldn't help but step into the hall to investigate when I saw my oldest son streak by with a bottle of barbecue sauce. It's not so much that I wanted to know. More that I couldn't not know. What on earth could be happening in a hallway, with a condiment and all those giggles?

As I rounded the corner I couldn't hepl but let out a laugh myself. All my kids in a pile being tickled by Dad, unable to contain even a molecule of excitement and glee.

Apparently it wad dinner time and Daddy was having kid ribs, tickled to perfection. When he joked they should have sauce, my ever litteral 10 year old grabbed the bottle. Thank heavens it was new and yet unopened.

Soon there were little ones and not so little ones dog piling me and bringing me into the fray. And I though once again how different my life looked than I once imagined. How God had turned the dreams I spent so many years invested in, into something totally different. How He had brought me from a place where I never dreamed of even considering marriage an option until I was at least 30, where I had a firm limit of two kids at most, and certainly not before I hit 35, where I wasn't going to give up my identity for any man...to this.

Wife at 18, and birthing four beautiful and amazing children by the age of 33.

And my identity, not given up for a man, but created new and amazing in the light of the Son of Man.

I am so glad, so grateful that His plans do not always match our own. Even when His plans leave me a little baffled and confused. Even hurting a little.

I have found over and over again that when God promised me "the desires of my heart" (Psalm 37:4) that His intention was the whole Psalm... if I commit my mind to Him, commit to living a life walking and delighting in Him, he turns my heart to desire the great gifts he has for me.

Jesus, continue to mold me into the woman you want me to be that I will be inline to receive and recognize your blessings.

Sometimes it's so hard to hear what God wants to say when your heart is bruised and battered. When any number of answers make sense. When, pretty much all of them lead to a little more hurt.
Someday I hope I can openly chronicle all that is happening in my life right now. That I can do it in victory. Right now I know it would hurt the heart of mt Abba to do it so I'll just hold my own hurts and figure out how he wants me to release them.

I can only ask for your prayers that I would see clearly where He is taking me.