I am the worst blogger in the world. I look at my "last post" date and wince...and then I don't even have the courtesy to post my blogs at a reasonable hour.

And this post? It's going to be chock full of angsty goodness.

Being a mom is hard. The constant feeding, cleaning, wiping, and sleeplessness of the first year have nothing on the years to follow either. I may be more frequently well rested, but then there are nights like tonight where I am sleepless and broken. Where I am pouring out buckets of tears because I know the big bad world is about to try and crush one of my it the tiny one or the six footer.

Tonight, in the course of just a few hours, I received two emails that held big changes each of my kids. Different sources, different changes, but changes that I know will hurt. Both are out of my control.

I don't even know how or when to tell them.

So I have cried. And prayed...and cried some more.

I can't sleep...and now my nose is all stuffy and I can't breathe either.

I have to find my strength in a God who was not taken by surprise by this. In a Savior who shed His blood for these kids. I have to remember that it hurts Him, who loves them most, more than it hurts me to see them brokenhearted.

Sometimes I think my kids have been through entirely too much for their short lives. I catch myself trying to reason with God "wasn't loosing Eden enough?"...and always I hear the whisper, His reminder, that He has a perfect plan for them.