It seems like every blog on the planet has had a New Year's post up this past week, and I guess this one is no exception...although, to be honest, the new year seems like it was *ages* ago.

I'm sure I've talked before about how I don't really *do* resolutions, but this year feels so different.

There are probably about 8 million reasons why...new creative ventures, son in high school, heading into my "late thirties"...but I think the main reason is because I can see one season in my life is coming to a close...the door is swinging shut on this job of mine and it isn't going to reopen.

I am mostly okay with that, but it leaves me feeling a little afraid and wondering how it will all go now. Who I will be and where I will walk now.

Today, I snuggled a fresh and new baby in my arms and she smiled a big baby grin at me and it reminded me, again, that that season of holding my *own* fresh new babies is over. It's gone....and Zoe is growing and changing so much every day, that soon the crib will come down, and it won't go in the garage...it will go away. With the strollers. With the bouncy seats. Even the diapers...soon they will all be parts of stories about "When mine were small...." The small is fading so fast.

And I *love* watching my kids grow. Seeing the maturity in my eldest, the depth of my first girl, the sensitivity of my baby boy and the bucket of sass in Zoe...but with every step, a part of who I was is left behind and I move beyond into something new...that I haven't known for the last 15 years.

So this year I am looking at becoming something else, reviving a different me...it's exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.

I'm trying to take better care of myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This January is a new beginning.

I imagine it will be messy, and difficult at times, but I also know I will laugh, I will grow, and I will be blessed so I am kind of anxious to get on with it.

I'm not sure why the words are stuck. Why they won't flow.

I keep starting this post and then erasing it, starting a new thought, erasing it again...

I am the worst blogger in the world. I look at my "last post" date and wince...and then I don't even have the courtesy to post my blogs at a reasonable hour.

About a week and a half ago I signed the pink slip to my husband's car over to a junk hauler, who towed the non-functioning car out of our driveway and off for parts. My dad had already taken the front seats for one of his many automotive projects, and I was just sad there was still a half a tank of gas and a brand new tire being towed away.

That car had come at a critical time and blessed my family like crazy. It was literally given to us by friends. It served as the too and from work car...missing seat belts and stalling several times a day. We'd had that looked at but with a repair that would cost in excess of $500 and not guarantee a new problem, we just let it be. So my sweet husband learned to take surface streets and recognize the familiar rattle at a stop light that would indicate a stall coming on. His commute  was at least 40 mins longer when the car was cranky...40 precious minutes.

Finally, a few weeks ago, it died. He went out to start the car one morning and the car simply declined to obey and said "click" instead. Just click, we were a one car family.

We made due, because that's just kind of what we do. We all dig in and make it work. We had friends who were willing to lend a ride here and there and occasionally I could borrow my parent's car to get the kids to school.

We were waiting on some financial stuff to fall into place, waiting on a car to become available. The used car we had intended to purchase was suddenly unavailable just as we were ready to go and then we had no direction.

I took to the internet to learn how to even start looking. We had no ideas. New verses used. Small verses large...we just didn't know.

As a joke my husband said "Too bad no one is selling my dream car. To which I replied, "I actually saw one listed today" so of course he went to look...but in the few hours since I had seen a black beat up model someone listed a beautiful, white with turquoise interior, CONVERTIBLE. I have seen the pictures of The Dream Car. The car he had as a teen and let go. The car I had heard about from before we got married. The Classic car. And here it was. The right color, a great price and an engine with only 66,000 miles...in a 50 year old car!

The next week was a series of crazy events that *dropped* our car payment. Left insurance nearly the same with better coverage. And finding out the gas mileage in The Dream Car would be better than the staller.

Three days ago, we brought home The Dream.

And everytime I look at it, I see a love letter from God. We didn't need *this car*. The point could be made that we didn't even *need* a second car, though just one was really tough. This car is *nothing* but a gift. Why? I have no idea other than that God is a good good daddy and He delights in the joy of His children...Like when I buy Goldfish crackers and know my nearly grown teen son will love them. Or when I offer "nanas" to the baby and she grins like a monkey.

God is *that* invested in our silly dreams. Our insignificant wants. Sometimes, for no greater reason at all, He wants us to know that we are His favorites. Because we are. Each and every one of us...His favorites.

Sometimes I look at my life and can not believe that this is the life God planned for me. That He looked at me and decided He was going to just start pouring ridiculous blessings on this average girl from the valley of Southern California. That He had these great big plans for my life and that they would all be wrapped in this veil of ordinary and everyday.

Wife, Stay at Home Mom, Five Kids, little rented house, minivan...doesn't sound like much...but it exceeds my dreams every day.

Today was a very average day, but so special. Today my husband got up, took the kids to school, and worked his job. He took our oldest to biblestudy and entertained himself waiting for our young man to be finished.

All this on his birthday.

No elaborate dinners, just an average day.

And I walked away from it feeling blessed. Grateful that this man was the man God choose for me, when we were just kids ourselves. Today I am thankful that he was born, because that means I get to be his wife and love him on many more birthdays.

Happy Birthday Steven, I hope you know that this day is a gift for me. <3

Last week one of my dearest friends updater her facebook status : "what do i want to be when I grow up?"

Let me explain something about her, she's amazing. Not just in that I-love-her-so-I-think-she-is-amazing ways. Truly an amazing woman. She is giving and genuine. Funny and passionate. An excellent mother with adorable children who know they are loved. She is a thoughtful and kind wife. She can seriously make anything grow and has turned her suburban backyard into an impressive mini farm. She can write so transparently that I feel every emotion she conveys and she can capture moments with her camera that are breathtaking.

Yet, she doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up.

She wrote this to me in an email, hopefully I'm not breaking any code sharing it here:

The last week or so has been a series of small, but significant, "aha!" moments. I feel refreshed in a way I haven't in quite some time...even though I am physically exhausted.