I wasn't kidding when I said that God was pulling something out of the depths of my brokenness. That I could feel it stirring.

I jumped in with both feet when I was given the opportunity to have a team of people who were all working towards or Starting something. Chasing a dream. Taking big steps. I couldn't have been more excited...and then it was happening and so was my life...and it felt like everything just blew up. It was awful.

I feel like I have been in the middle of refinement forever...and truth be told, it's been really ugly.

I have wondered more in the last few years, than ever in my life, who I was and weather or not God was even listening. And wondering if the God I trusted with my whole heart was seeing me, was caring about my deep hurts and struggles, was a pain that I can't even put into words.

I fought Him. I railed at Him...I wept to my husband and closest friend. There was a whole lot of honest and ugly going on.

It's exhausting and every step forward has been met with what feels like two steps back. So I retreated into the The Truth that I couldn't feel and read these words:

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
 Isaiah 43:1-4

So here I am, kind of raw and unsteady...yet assured once again that God has a great and personal *love* for me that defies my understanding and confounds my emotions, but is real and eternal and everlasting.