Blog a day has been very hard for me. I looked at it as a fun and light challenge and still think it can be... I got excited as I randomly had to fit in moments of profundity...but the reality of my emotional state over the last few weeks has made this a really difficult task.

Truth be told, I am hurting. I am sort of tired of being so darn needy, too. I struggle with the perception of being weak...and I know I am, infinitely, weak. I struggle with feeling like I talk about the loss of my daughter too much. Like I'm kind of a one trick pony...

Last night at church we were talking about what Paul meant when he said we should "work out our salvation with fear and trembling." I wanted to cry. I am working this out still. It still stings to read scripture that says "ask and it will e given" because I did ask...and God said no.

I have talked about this before, but everyday I have to look at the reality and admit, in a very un "Christian PC" way that I have suffered the greatest hurt I can ever imagine at the hand of God. He allowed this. He did not bend His will. This was fulfillment of His plan.

I don't believe He "did" this to Eden, to me, to my husband, my other children... but He still allowed it.

So I have to look at this. In all it's utter ugliness and see it for it's reality... and I look at God. I look at Jesus. And in awe and love and unexplainable trust... I stand and worship. I turn my heart to a deeper and more intimate love.

The grief, though, continues.

Oh how I wish my arms didn't ache so badly every. single. day. That I didn't catch my breath at the sight of a little green baby doll. That I didn't see smiling, exhausted, pregnant women and long to be where they were.

A year ago, I was preparing a home for an infant... Tuesday I was planting rosemary in her memory.

Edit: for part two of my breakdown
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