In the past two years I have come to know deeply that life holds no guarantees, except that God is who He says He is...and that, if you let Him, He is faithful to show up.
And while it is not the pretty church face to admit it, sometimes knowing that life still can throw great and amazing curve balls scares me to death. Just because I know God will be magnificent doesn't make jumping into the fire a easy.
I also know that my family is not safe from tragedy.
So today when my daughter complained of pain, and I noted swelling, in the area around her underarm lymph node something deep inside me began to panic. I tried to imagine what I would say if her pediatrician had bad news. I wondered how long until we knew anything for certain... my mind just spun.
Instinct had me wanting to reach out to my friends and my support people but the small whisper called out to me instead. In my panic I had to turn to God. I had to commit another daughter to his hand, to his will. My mind went to the story of Job we had just read this morning, and then to the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that my daughter was watching... was God setting me up to be prepared?
I wish I could say I immediately went to my prayer closet and heard from God...instead I choked on a plea for help and waited. I went about the next few hours in ordinary everyday. I lived in a place of hope. I didn't even default like I tend to do, and start rationalizing the what ifs. I simply said "God, this is what ever you want it to be and you have to be glorified"
The short version is, it is nothing. It is not the worst case, it is not even a lymph node. It looks like a muscle has be strained or hit.
When we were in the car my daughter confessed that she had been afraid she might have cancer. I think that broke me the most. There is something that seems so wrong about an 8 year old thinking she might die...
Please continue to pray for us all, as I think there are many years of emotions and steps of faith we all will continue to wade through.
This parenting thing is tough.