So, the pain has passed but I still can not hear out of my right ear. I alternate between wanting to just wait it out, feeling sort of crazy because everything is a struggle to hear and I can't quite triangulate where the phone might be when it rings, and being a little concerned something might be wrong.

I have so many things I want to write about, even a few notes I actually jotted down in the silence.

But tonight I'm just gonna be real and honest and exposed. Well, as exposed as I can be.

I have a lot of really big stuff going on in my heart, in my head, and in my world. And I am struggling to make sense of it all, let God have dominion over it all, and allowing God to move in me. Changing my world view to match His.

Anyone who's ever been to church more than a handful of times has probably heard of, or heard preached, 1 Corinthians 13...The Love Chapter.

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Even typing it out here makes me want to groan with all the frustration in me. In every way I want to be someone who shows the love that God has shown me. Pure, Redeeming, Unwavering.

I want to give a love that comes without strings. I want desperately to endure, hope, and persevere.

I just don't always know how. How do you keep from being a doormat and chasing after relationships that don't exist on both sides...and still demonstrate this kind of love?

When your head steps in and reminds you to guard your heart?

Even now, as I type these words and come before My Great God, I am reminded that these issues are not new... they go as far back as Philipi.

Philippians 4
Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. 3 And I ask you, my true partner,to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. They worked along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are written in the Book of Life.

4 Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5 Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And still I don't know how this looks. What does this scripture look like with legs and a heart? Yet my heart is heavy at knowing it doesn't look like me.

I want to reflect these words, but I don't know how.

So I am here, crying out to God and admitting my own weakness and folly at knowing I am not reflecting him, yet wanting to with all that I am.

Please God, show me to love how you would love...
3 Responses
  1. just_me_tiff Says:

    Alexis, I'm dealing with a failing friendship and know what kind of pain that brings. I think it's not until you can just be quite and really listen to God that things will change. I constantly have negative thoughts infiltrate my mind day after day and I finally had to be determined to let God move, even though there was a part of me that wanted to hold onto the pain because i felt so incredibly wronged by this person. I some how felt, and still sometimes feel like it's not fair that I have to just let this situation go, the other person was wrong, not me. In the big picture though I realized that I'm only rejecting peace by holding onto these hurt feelings. Every time a negative thought about this person comes to mind I immediately start praying as soon as I realize what I'm thinking, just know that you can't do this on your own, it has to be God. You don't even have to want to forgive and forget at first, but just start praying that God will give you that desire, and be determined to have peace in your life.

  2. Terri Says:

    Hey Alexis
    I love the way you are open and leave your heart there on the floor..some may trample on it...but still others will pick it up and take care of it. Jesus will not only pick it up and take care of it..He will nurture it and if it is ailing...he will bring it back to full health and have it functioning back to its full capacity in no time! You are much loved the King of all! And by your brothers and sisters in Christ. You will be fine....your will be fine..and functioning exactly the way the Lord intends it too! Just trust in Him!
    Love you! Terri

  3. Miss Candice Says:

    I'm not an expert in this area... but I think sometimes you need to just step back and love from a distance. Guard your heart, but at the same time leave it up to God to mend friendships/relationships when it seems like you can't do it yourself. Sometimes it just seems to take forever.