Hmmm... I feel like I need to write. Like I want to write...and yet nothing comes.

The fish tank's water is low so the gentle trickle is more like a giant river rushing. It makes for an atmosphere that is, at the same time, really relaxing and stressful and loud.

I've been joking a lot lately about my "mid-life crisis" which isn't so much a mid-life crisis as an "after the storm settles and I adjust to my new reality" thing. It's not even a crisis. It just really looks similar.

I feel like God wants to take me somewhere, but I don't know where so I keep sticking my hand, or heart, into a new desire or idea. I decide to run marathons, play the drums, dye my hair, plant a garden... a whole lot of non-sequiters, just bouncing around in my head.

And I am torn between hating them and being excited by them. Torn between fearing falling into a cycle where I busy myself to avoid feeling things or establish some feeling of self-worth, or just jumping in and expecting God to catch me.

I honestly don't know which is more honest or more accurate.

I'm trying to remind myself to enter into the stillness. To sit and listen and feel. To truly allow God to envelope me and love me. I know I have been keeping Him a bit distant, and I really don't know why. Except that, maybe, I'm just a little tired of feeling so much.
2 Responses
  1. staceelianna Says:

    i hate being the first comment because i feel like a stalker. lol. so i waited to comment. and im still first. haha.

    i just wanted to say i love you. i love that you're honest with what you're feeling and that you're transparent enough to be open to what God is going to teach you. ,#

  2. Cassi Says:

    just wanted to let you know that I read it ... and I relate...

    I can never say that "I understand"... not fully... but I understand hurt... and not wanting to let anyone (including God) in because they may hurt me more than I already am...

    I don't really know what to say... but I do hope that those you have around you - you are not just keeping around to keep busy and appear happy... but are truly having around because you know how much they love you...