It's difficult when time and prudence interfere with writing.

Right now I am watching my daughter and youngest son play with toy money and baby Star Wars figures... It's so sweet and sweet has been painfully lacking in kid interactions this past week.

I have had to remind myself everyday that Home Schooling them is the best choice for them. It's what God has called me to do with them. Because honestly...the ease of dropping them off somewhere seems pretty tempting at times.

I would miss so much if I did that though, so much of watching and being a part of them discovering new things. of helping God mold them into who He has created them to be.

In some ways I have welcomed the struggles with schooling as they have forced me to focus on something else, besides my personal tumult.

I have been in a really ugly place the last few months.

I have felt abandoned and alone at nearly every turn. I have felt confused and misunderstood. I have felt like a burden and a failure. I have pressed into God and felt...nothing.

I have wept before him and searched for His comfort.

And over all, through all, I have felt...nothing.

To go from a place where I could almost physically feel God, to standing in a desert, has been terrifying.

I know I am not alone. I know I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Of abandonment. Of isolation.

I am like the child learning to ride her bike. God has let go to see if I can peddle without feeling Him right there. I have crashed and scraped my knee. I have cried. I have sat there and refused to get up.

But I want to soar. I want to ride this bike and finish this race. I want to succeed at the life God is laying before me.

So I need to get up, dust myself off , tighten the straps on my helmet and get back on that bike.

Knowing God is right there with me...even when I can't feel Him or hear Him.

I don't relish this attempt. I know there is a good likely hood I'll be bruised again. That my scraped up knees will continue to sting as I stretch and bend them. I also know they will heal and soon the fall will be a memory and there will be healing.
4 Responses

  1. staceelianna Says:

    you're my favorite person to spend wednesdays with. even when you make me want to cry ;] i love you so much alexis.

  2. Miss Candice Says:

    I've also been there.

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way Alexis. But if it's an consolation, I don't think you're a failure. I think you're amazing.

    Get back on that bike and peddle fast! You can do it! We all believe in you and are there to cheer you on. And God will always have your back when things get wobbly if you let him. :)

  3. Cassi Says:

    you are NOT a burden.... you are my friend....