Today I had the awesome privilege of guest blogging over on my good friend Stacee's blog on the importance of setting aside insecurity and reveling in moments.

Feel free to stop by and give her some love. :)

Confession:

I am not one of those amazing homeschooling moms you might see on TV. I don't have a dedicated classroom and special study spots for my kids. There are no maps hanging on our walls and no one writes in a daily journal. These are all things I always think we'll do. Things I excitedly plan into the year...and they never make it.

I also don't take my kids to the library several times a week.

I don't really even know how to properly utilize Library Day since all that happens is my Oldest gets a million Star Wars books, the middle gets books on 50 different subjects that end up all over the house, and my pre-reader just sits at the library computer with headphones on and tries to yell his "whispers" to anyone nearby.

In fact, I can't even remember to turn my books in on time.

All these things make me very grateful one of my closest friends works at the library. Now I can borrow a few books and she's usually on top of my account, helping me get things in before accruing major fines.

Now when I hear about an interesting book I usually can borrow it and enjoy it knowing I have help getting it turned in. That is, until the move.

I was reading a great book in the final weeks of my pregnancy and carting it with me everywhere so I could grab any spare minute to read. I even packed it for the hospital when the baby was born...or I think I did.

It wasn't long after we moved that I realized it was lost. I was pretty bummed that I'd have to buy a new one, but knew it had never been unpacked so really was gone.

Until earlier this week when I mentioned it to my friend and she told me it had been returned to the library! Some stranger had found my book, somewhere, and returned it for me.

Such a little thing but it made me smile all the same. Someone went out of their way to help me out, or to help the library, who knows? But they did..and it blessed me.

Today I woke up cranky. Do you ever do that? Maybe for no reason what so ever you wake up just plain irritated at the world. Annoyed that you have to wake up at all.

I was cranky. I tried very hard not to act cranky and any poor children who happened to cross my path before my morning cup of decaf, but that wasn't easy since the day started with my 5 year old slamming open my bedroom door and waking both me, an the baby.

But, I digress.

So I was trying not to act cranky, drinking my decaf coffee and doing my best to pretend it was my favorite regular coffee when I realized that I had some things to finish up in the kitchen that got put on hold yesterday when my sink, literally, exploded. Yep. I was minding my own business, doing some dishes when something popped and water started pouring out from the cabinet beneath the sink...so my chicken separating and marinating never happened.

Remembering this I put the baby in her swing and tasked her sister to hang out with her while I finished up.

Then i heard the most beautiful sound...deep, true, loud belly laughs from the baby. If you are not a parent I don't know if I can properly explain how magical that sound is. It is the sound of joy that has never known heartbreak or disappointment. It is glee that has never been embarrassed or shamed. It is pure and lovely.

And it is magical.

It has the power to take a cranky, busy mom and make her stop in her tracks and forget that she still hasn't had breakfast, that her coffee is decaf, that there is something sticky on the floor, that the laundry is piling up in the bathroom, that she's behind in all she had planned for the week and it's only Tuesday, and that she hasn't properly slept in months.

Because her baby is laughing.

That cranky and frazzled mom will abandon the chicken and the marinade and for a few moments she'll be just as carefree as her precious baby...because mom is laughing too. With the same abandon and joy, mom is laughing too. And so are the big brothers and big sister. We are all sharing in this moment together and it's like a giant reset on the day.

We went on to deal with everyday stuff. The children bickered and pouted over chores, but my whole day felt lighter because i got to stop and relish in that laughter.

It's been a really crappy morning. One of those where I go outside and sit on the porch to cry...a lot. I pouted at God, I prayed for peace, I tried to buck up...but mostly I just cried and cried.

I could tell you about all the little things that piled up to become one giant thing, but really, why? What good would that do either of us. Fact is, sometimes life is just plain hard. Even when it's not awful or terrible, it's hard. My world wasn't coming to an end, I was just overwhelmed and unable to get out from under it.

So I escaped to a nice hot shower. I started thinking about how grateful I was to have that shower. It's a second shower, not the one in my bathroom, next to the inconsolable baby that was trying to sleep, but an entire second shower I could escape to.

I always wanted to write a weekly blog series, but never knew what I had to share weekly that had consistent value...but, inspired by that hot shower and my good friend Stacee Lianna, I finally saw it.

It's the little things.

Just like it was little things that had piled up and tried to crush me, it was the little things that were going to give me some perspective.

I have so many obvious and big blessings...my God, my family, my health...but I also have a million little blessings too. Little love notes that I believe are from God, every day. Things that tend to be a little more tangible and immediate.

Things like that shower. It might seem silly, but a hot shower is one of my cheapest forms of therapy. I can literally feel my stresses flowing down the drain. Maybe it's because it's one of the few times I am alone and can hear myself. All the outside noises are drowned out and no kids are asking me for, or demanding anything from me. And to realize that I had an option of a shower today because we had a second shower was like a bright light in the midst of all the ick from my morning.

Our house is not yet put together from our move, and there are still a lot of bad feelings associated with how things went with the old landlord, but loving this house, knowing it is home, and enjoying things like hot showers make that all feel so much better.

I wish I had words to even begin to describe the events, emotions, revelations, and life that I have lived in these last several months.

I have so missed sharing myself and my thoughts with this blog.

Zoe, baby number 5, is finally asleep in her bassinet, the big kids are at church, and my sweet hubby is sleeping after a very long day. Me? I'm just enjoying the few minutes of peace.

Zoe has been so much of a blessing, even as the most challenging baby I have ever had. She is making her mark on our little family. Each of the children is more in love with her each day. Even Jack, the "baby" before her, has loved her from the moment he saw her.

I'm sort of struggling to figure out what each next step is for me, not in a "what next" sort of way, but in a "how does this fit" way. I'm trying to fit this new family dynamic and new personal dynamic into the lives we have been living. It's difficult and frustrating, but, when I can step back from them a bit, incredibly exciting.

I hope to be able to find more time to get back here as I work it all out.

I'm having a few of those days where so much of what is good in my life...and there is *so much*... seems to be caught behind this veil of murky water. The day to day grind is kind of getting me down. I am hoping that I can get my brain and spirit back in line if I take a few moments to focus and get it out.

I had a run in with someone today and it was really unpleasant, when I am alone he talks down to me because I am a woman and since I need to live in peace with this person as a part of the very peripheral part of my life I can't really get up in his face about it, so I have to smile and nod and agree when what I want to do is whip out the best finger wave I can muster and a good "Look here you..." It's a great lesson in trusting God I suppose. In letting Him fight my battles and raise me up. Unless something divine is done in this man's heart I can't see the situation really changing so I need to count this as one of those time where rain is falling on the "just and unjust" and let it go...so not my natural reaction.

I have also made great strides to become more debt free and less spendy. I have never been an extravagant spender, nor has my husband, but I have been learning new and creative ways to stretch money a little further... and then my car windshield cracks and my husband's car starts has this fun mechanical problem...bye-bye any stitch of getting ahead. Gah, it's so frustrating. Now there are some new expenses we hadn't planned for or seen coming that really shouldn't be on us, but are and we'll have to find a way with those too. Gah, again. Why is this always such a struggle for me? Why do i find it so hard to actually, joyfully, "consider the lilies of the field"? To look around me and see that we have *never* gone hungry. That we have *never* gone without. My living room floor is currently covered in a maternity wardrob larger than my regular one. All hand me downs and perfect for the seasons I'll need them. They are sitting next to the most comfortable couch I have ever sat on, that was also a handme down that was practically new. That faces the amazing TV my parents gifted us with at Christmas...and that's all *extra* that God doles out with wild abandon...and somehow I fret about the necessities. Sheesh. Even the car with the mechanical problem? that was a gift. We've only ever paid for gas and some minor maintenance...yet still, I fret. How many times will God need to teach me this same lesson?

I feel discouraged by my messy house, not dirty, just messy and then I look at the three amazing children I have...dragging things hear and there all day...and wonder how I could let that bog me down? I know every mother thinks it, but I, honestly, have amazing kids. I would totally pick them if I got a do over. I *like* them. they are funny, and kind, and loving. They love God and their family. Today, after i had been talked down to, they had my back. My oldest saying "I wish I were just a little bit older and I could tell him to talk to me!" Who is that blessed? Me! That's who.

So, I have everything I need, a lot of things I *want*, kids and a husband who love me more than I ever thought possible, a God who has my whole life in His hands and guarantees that He is working "everything for the good" of me and mine...and still I get discouraged?

Sheesh.

It feels so much later than it really is, and the day has just flown by...but I need to take a few moments and really reflect, really see, really savor the last dozen or so hours.

It's not strange to think a birthday would have you start to reflect on the life you are living. Who and how you serve, parent, friend, and think.

It's been a wild few years, as I've said over and over again. I'm not going to lie, I haven't always dealt with it all with grace or humility. I haven't always adjusted my focus tpo the eternal and away from the spiritual...but more often than not I have. I have striven to see god when I felt blind, and listen to the whisper of His small voice. I have wanted to live out who He was calling me to be and walk the path I felt was the one He placed me on.

I fell, I got pretty beat up along the way, but mt great big God always waited next to me, with His hand outstretched to lift me up.

Today was fun and amazing, with nothing particular spectacular. A rare midweek breakfast and movie date with the one person on this earth who loves me beyond measure, the joy of a stolen day together. A relaxing dinner and a casual conversation in patio chairs on display at Kohl's with a dear friend. Nothing spectacular but a day marked with the profound.

Today, in messages that were unexpected, in gifts that were small tokens or grand gestures, in cards from other countries...in all of these things...an assurance that I was loved for simply being me. That I was valuable to people whom I love. That God gave me a life to live with great relationship and joy.

Today I saw myself through the eyes of God as special and called for purpose. Today I knew who i was more clearly than I have in ages.

Today petty disputes and profound disagreements ceased to define or darken the great love that I have been blessed with.

Today God met me and spoke with me in a voice as loud as thunder. Spoke to me a language of deep, unimaginable love.

Today I was freed. Again.