Enough
Alexis
Today was one of those days when I had soooo many good intentions.

I was going to do so many wonderful things while my older three kids were at one of their two days a week at school. It would be just me ant the baby so I'd have all kinds of time, right?

When will I ever learn?

It started well, I got the kids dropped off before the rain showed up, stopped at the grocery store for the few things I needed for dinner. Look at me, dinner already figured out at 9am. I was on a roll!

Get home and it was just a sprinkle so no mad dashes...only to realize that we forgot to close the door on our way out. How does an entire family forget to close the door? Horray for no hard rains and living set back of the main road!

So I started some laundry, but then I needed to change the baby...so I got sidetracked. Then she was hungry...and my mom called. So I fed the baby while talking to my mom. Just as our conversation was wrapping up my awfully determined baby...ok, she's a toddler...can I please just call her the baby? Anyway, she decided it was time to nurse. NOW!

She is the most distractable nurser on the planet so I got off the phone and spent some time snuggled up with her. Then we played some games and it was naptime!

I tried to eat breakfast in there somewhere. And I know I had my toast because I remember sharing bites with the boss. She's just too darn cute (and loud) to deny.

So, naptime...which also equals coffee time. Zoe is still very sensitive to caffeine so I have 3 small windows a day in which I can consume my daily cup. Just one cup, but 3 chances. And I had been mentally preparing this cup since I got in the car, talking myself out of going the long way home, just to hit a drive thru Starbucks.

Coffee brewed, cup in hand I stole a few minutes to watch the first half of my new favorite show. As soon as I finished my cup I whipped up a batch of lemon muffins from a tasty looking recipe and I put some eggs on to boil. Yay! putting a dent in my list!

The muffins were horrible. I'm not even sure the glaze on top saves them. Sad day. The eggs are ok, I think.

I had some lunch before being summoned by the princess.

And here is where everything goes haywire.

Apparently Zoe is part simian because she now climbs. Today it was the couch and I couldn't stop her or leave her side because climbing up was way more fun when it included running across, with no regard for edges or calamity! I tried to start dinner, and somehow did get it made...but there was a lot of whining, holding, snacking, and diapering in the mix.

And then Daddy was home and it was bedtime.

There is a good chunk of hours in there that just sort of happened. In a blur they went by with new discoveries, lots of excitement, and no real accomplishments.

Most days the pile of half finished laundry, gross muffins, and things not crossed off the list really bums me out. It's easy to look at today's failures and set up camp there...but today I can rest in the knowledge that I handled the important things.

And it's going to be enough.
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Baby Boy
Alexis
Do you remember that scene in the movie Parenthood, at the end when wise old grandma is describing family life as either a merry-go-round or a roller coaster? If you haven't seen the movie, I can't say it's the greatest movie I've ever seen, but I do remember it had it's moments...and I still remember this scene, years later.

I couldn't help but think of it yesterday while my youngest son squealed in delight at his first finally tall enough to ride it, big roller coaster ride.

I was terrified for him. I knew he was safe, but he's my baby. Here he was about to be flung hundreds of feet in the air, flipping upside down, and defying gravity...and he just couldn't wait.

He had no idea what was ahead, but he knew it would rock his little world and usher in a new experience he'd never forget.

What he didn't know was that this was going to change me. This was one tiny step in letting him grow up and letting him spread his wings.

Before I know it he'll be grown, and I know how fast it goes because his big brother, my first baby, is on the cusp of manhood and reaching for new independence every day.

I don't know if I'm ready for this part of the ride, but I'm strapped in and holding on because before I know it we'll take off and I don't want to miss a second of the ride.
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Alexis
This is a 159 character text message post as I forgot to blog until I was cozy in bed. I return to real posts tomorrow.
This would be much easier with a laptop.
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I was going to be an actress
Alexis
Sometimes I take a second, look around at my life, past the sticky fingerprints, sink full of dishes, and toys that litter the living room floor like so many tiny landmines and marvel at who I am, and where I've ended up.

I never imagined this life, twenty years ago when I was getting to know my best friend outside of a coffee bar, when I married him, or even headed down the road in our little red car on the way to deliver our first child.

I couldn't see the nights we stayed up way to late just talking, the 19 unit college semesters my husband slaved to get to the career God was calling him too, the first smiles of each of our children, the pain of saying goodbye to one of them, the absolute bliss of holding our miracle. I never imagined the struggles would be as hard and that they would lead to the sweetest places.

I look back at those kids walking down the aisle and I laugh at how little they knew about the road they would take.

This is not the life I imagined.

It is soooo much more.

I never knew the mundane things that would define me, would be things I would treasure.

I guess, once again, God is reminding me that His plans so much further exceed my imaginations.
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No Catchy Title Either
Alexis
Tonight, no good "first lines" are coming to me.

We all know how important that first line in an essay (or blog post) is. We learned back in middle school. That's the line that makes the audience decide whether they are going to keep reading. It has to be catchy. It has to grab the reader, draw them in...and I have backspaced my first line a million times.

I've got no good intro so I guess I'll just jump in.

Can that be okay for tonight? I mean, I'm bound to have 15 or 20 good intros this month, so a few super boring, sub par ones are acceptable right?

Back at the 10 days of prayer I did something new. It was pretty outlandish actually.

I have been carrying around this secret dream for nearly a year. An aching secret dream that I have mentioned to God in prayer a time or two, but knew it wasn't really n the realm of human possibility so I prayed things like "God, you know I really want this but I know it's probably not your will so help me to be content."

The same God I begged and believed would heal my daughter, I just wrote off as wanting me to have this other impractical dream. Sometimes I have to laugh at my own ridiculousness.

So here I was, at day 7 or so and sitting in my "personal prayer time" seat. Listening to the worship music and focusing on God and trying to be quiet and listen...and I started to pray about this dream.

Now let me be clear. It wasn't just big like "We need a new car." It was crazy big...and the desire for it was nearly crushing. To the point of tears at the thought of it being a dream never realized. For months I carried this around. Aching in my soul.

So I start to really be honest with God and pour my emotion all over the pew. I was utterly transparent in my dream. In the crushing weight of it. I poured it all out and gave it 100% to God, knowing he might say "no".

And I think that was my fear all along, that He would say "no" when I wanted to hope for a yes more than anything.

My God has plans for my life that are better than anything I can ever imagine. He has shown me that time and time again. In so many ways He has shown me...but this dream, it felt to big to let go of.

Until that day. I let it all go.

And it wasn't until last week that I realized that the heaviness and burden for my outlandish dream had vanished. I was no longer dragging around this heavy sack of fear and desire. God totally has freed me from it, by taking my burden as His. Even for something as simple as *my* crazy dream.

As for the answer to my crazy prayer? Maybe this post would be better if I ended with "And you know what? As soon as I let it go He said YES!!" But in truth, I'm fairly certain the answer is "No, this isn't my plan for you, sweet daughter". The amazing part is, I'm okay with that. Not just okay...but great with that. Because my dream was pretty big and amazing, so if He's got better for me? How can that be bad.
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Blessed
Alexis
Do you hear that? Just now, the dryer stopped, the TV is off, and everyone is asleep. It is beautifully, blissfully quiet...save the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard.

One of my favorite sounds.

I need to get up and put the kids' martial arts uniforms in the dryer and finish a project for a client tomorrow, but I'm just going to take a few minutes and write...sound good?

And yes, I did just say client. :) tomorrow I am meeting with a couple to help them create a personalized, styled photoshoot with my amazing friend Stacee Lianna and I am so excited. Styling shoots is quickly becoming one of my very favorite things. It's all the fun of wedding and party planning on a much smaller and more personal scale!

It's funny, because I didn't really see this happening, I was always just along for the ride and moral support with Stacee. I always knew she'd be behind the lens for epic shoots, but I didn't know I'd get to play a part in helping her clients build these amazing memories. Documenting special events and relationships in deeply personal ways.

I love how God is so remarkable like that. One of my most favorite things I used to have the opportunity to do when I volunteered with the Women's Ministry at my church was decorating and coming up with themed events. I LOVED it. I loved how a cute table setting would imediatly connect women to the central message of the day or weekend.

I have missed it. Deeply.

But God, in his immeasurable love, has given me a chance to practice what I love again. Isn't that so like him to care about something so insignificant? Because I care. And He loves me.

I am so blessed.

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Bloguary!!!
Alexis
I tried to back myself out of this again. I always do :p

But it's February and here I am, I'm trying to carve out a few mins each day to sit and reflect.

Things are really weird for me right now because I feel like a few weeks back everything changed for me, and not one single circumstance in my life did. Finances didn't multiply, relationships didn't change, schedules didn't slow down, the baby didn't start sleeping.

Nothing changed...except me.

It's no secret I have struggled with a lot of stuff over the last few years. Mostly relational stuff. The hardest things to struggle through for me are relational stuff.

So how did it change?

God. No question.

A few weeks back we were having 10 nights of prayer meetings at my church. They weren't at the best times and they were hard to get to, but I really wanted to be a part of things. I wanted to see, first hand, how God would move.

I wanted to see all the incredible signs and wonders. Healing. Dancing in the aisles. I wanted to see it all.

What I saw instead was a family. A quiet family, waiting together and sharing in an intimate season together. God moved, yes. Pain was removed. Hope was restored. Faith was renewed.

And my heart was healed. Healed and open to what ever God wants to do.


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