I've been thinking about you a lot lately... If I'm honest I've been thinking about you for two years.

I've been thinking about how hard we used to laugh. I've been thinking about how amazing it was to watch you find the heart of a God who adores you. I've been thinking about the things you always said you wanted... but mostly, I've been thinking how much I miss you.

How my heart literally aches at the thought of you. How, when I talk about you, I still start to cry. How I'm probably the only one who still hopes things will go back to the way they were.

I pray for you all the time... every time I think of you.

I don't know what to do with this ache, other than to pray.

Sometimes, I compose long emails to you. Sometimes full of love and hope... sometimes a little pointed and snarky... imagining that if I sent them the sting would snap you back into who you once were. I never send them, though sometimes I'm pretty close.

You don't know the kids anymore. You're missing so much. So much AMAZING stuff... and I just can't believe you're better for it. I can't imagine that the unconditional love of four incredible people isn't missed, either. What do you do with that? Do you even feel the loss? One of them still really feels the loss of you.

I do hope your life is good, but more than that, I pray that you'll be led back to a place of desperation, a place where God becomes *all* that you need and want. Even if *I* never see it. Even if I don't get to be a part of it... that is all I have ever wanted for you... God's perfect and amazing plan.