I have decided it's time to buckle down and really lose the extra weight I have been carrying. It's a little harder now to decide this because I so don't want to be one of those women chained to the ever self hating cycle of weight loss and gain.

I don't want to be on a diet, obsessed with how many point are in a quarter cup of M&M's (4 by the way. Just one point shy of a slice of yummy pizza). I just want to be someone who is happy with whatever shape my body is in. Someone more concerned with my inner core than the outer package and how it weighs me down. I just want to make good food choices and let my body take it's natural shape...

But I haven't been making good choices and so much of that *is* a reflection of my inner core. Of rebellion. Of grief. Of busyness. Of bad planning. Of time not well spent... so I am going to try and use the outer tools to help me gain perspective on the inner me.

And I don't want to. I really am thinking I would like a break from all the refinement...until I get alone with my Jesus and realize I see him clearer everyday. That when I am refined I am more accurately able to reflect his image to others. So I am going to welcome the process and allow God to pick me up when I fall down instead of just lying there in the dirt.

I'm going to take care of this person God loves so very much as an offering to Him. I'm going to let Him show me true beauty. I am going to shed the pounds of baggage I know I still carry.

For today's blog check Trusting God's Heart...

I didn't say I'd blog here everyday anyway. :)

Well, my brain is chocked full of cluttered thoughts to share... none of which are fully formed thanks to lots of good sun and adult onset allergies.

Today I was at a local park, an old favorite from my childhood filled with tons and tons of wonderful memories. My kids were playing with friends, celebrating the birthday of one.

A regular afternoon when tragedy struck just a little too close...

A boy was missing. Not one of our boys, but a boy who was at the park with his grandfather and brother. Grandpa turned away for a second and his two and a half year old grandson was just...gone.

People from another birthday party fanned out. A few from our party...looking in trees, trashcans, bathrooms...scouring the adjacent neighborhood. Everyone seemed so calm in the midst of it, but I know that inside I was screaming.

I thought of the call to the parents, the guilt of the grandfather, of the brother who would always know they had been playing together. I made the connection to the boy being about the same age as my youngest boy. Inside I broke. Now I am sure the people with me reading this are thinking "Huh? She didn't seem all that invested actually." But inside I imagined losing another child and I just broke.

Within about 15 minutes the park was surrounded and swarming with police. It's been said before, but police in that city, they just don't mess around.

So we, at the party, gathered together and prayed. What more could we do? We didn't see the boy, there were probably 20-30 people already on foot...so we prayed.

When I spotted a mail truck I went to check with him, grateful for a few seconds alone just walking over. He'd seen nothing. But Thank You Jesus, while I was talking to the mailman, the boy was spotted just wandering a few streets over.

The police picked him up and brought him back to grandpa, we took him some water, and settled into a nice relaxing party. One where our own children were constantly counted and recounted...and told to stay just a little bit closer.

This last week my husband attended a men's bible study that he really enjoyed and found to be very blunt, honest, and revealing. He really enjoyed the time and was relating some of the material to me...there was a big emphasis on certain specific life choices that are very applicable to us and our family. My husband was very grateful that our choices were in line with the speaker and wondered to me how that might have effected the men for whom that wasn't the case.

As we talked my heart kind of sank as I thought of these really remarkable and godly men. I wondered "Would this really be something they would change?" It wasn't something obvious like an addiction to pornography but something more subtle, easily justified in today's society.

This led me to wonder about something else...Do people really come to church every week ready to hear a message that will make them dramatically change how they live? Ready to be challenged a little more each week? Not just encouraged in closer communion with God, but to really go beyond the status quo if their status quo might not measure up?

I don't think I always did. I hope I do now, but I really don't think I always did before. I wanted to "be a good Christian" and I wanted to be "touched by God" but did I expect radical change every.single.week? No...

Even as I type this, I wonder, am I prepared for that now?

I want to be. I want to welcome it and understand that anything God asks he will not only equip and provide for me...but it will be for His ultimate glory and my ultimate good.

Tonight was, and still is, an at home date for my husband. When you have three kids and one income out on the town dates become kind of rare...

So we're at home, making the most of the little bit of time alone we have and we decide to watch the episode of American Idol we DVRed from earlier this evening. It's on on a rare Thursday night due to the big Idol Gives Back benefit from last night.

This week is "inspirational" songs, and really some of the performances from Tuesday were okay...but for me it's hard to find inspiration in just an average song.

So there we are, sitting with Ryan Seacrest who introduces the final eight singing...get this...Shout to the Lord! On national TV. One of my most favorite worship songs ever. On American Idol.

I watched all these kids singing one beautiful song with a beautiful and profound message:


I couldn't help but be heartbroken that for some singing that song all they were singing were words. Empty words. My heart was at once excited to hear My Jesus praised and at the same time broken for those not open to hearing it...

I went to grab the verse this brings to mind and once again was struck by God's heartbreak at our bad choices. Was reminded of how perfectly just and merciful God is and how He hates so much to see us set ourselves up for such pain...

Also, I was humbled by his great love for me...

Luke 19:

37When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
38"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!"^[b]
"Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"

39Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"

40"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

41As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it 42and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. 43The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. 44They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God's coming to you."

I am feeling much better this morning and the situation that had me heart so grieved has been resolved and all is well...

So here is what I have been thinking for a few days now...

When I sat down this week to read the creation story, I can't honestly say I expected some dramatic enlightenment. I mean who hasn't read it? And then I read an account of a friend who was so moved by the vastness of God and my spirit shifted gears...

So I sat and read and my spirit resonated with hers, about the vastness and immensity of God and His creation... and I was humbled that He would love and care so deeply for little insignificant me.

And then I read on, completely unaware that God had even more to say to me in scriptures I've read a thousand times over.

I went on to read Genesis 3, the accounting of The Fall of Man. The eating of the fruit and the casting out of the garden...and hidden in those verses I think I glimpsed a bit of the father heart of God.

I am a parent of four amazing children, only one of which has never required discipline or correction. Only one has never broken my heart. The other three have, at one time or another gone so completely out of the plans I had for them that I had to step in and redirect them in a way that caused us both anguish.

So I read familiar verses:

11 “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?”

12 The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.”

13 Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?”

Suddenly I didn't hear the harshness I typically attribute to God in so many of the Old Testament stories... Suddenly I heard what I believe must be the truth of what happened. I heard a broken hearted Father "What have you done?" as His mind realized what consequences would follow and His heart broke at the idea that He would no longer be able to walk in the cool of the day with His children, and He realized the divide that would now come...

What must God have felt, knowing that all of His children would know pain and fear and heartbreak because of this single act?

And I cried. I cried for the beauty and love of God that are met with strife. I cried for the mourning God had to do that day. I cried in gratitude that He was willing to sacrifice so much for us.

I can't blog today... my heart is heavy and I just can't put together a coherent thought for here...

But I'm gonna say this counts.